I wouldn't care if he had long hair it had style but it looks like he just hasn't had a cur for months! 

The long haired muscle man. 

He is wanting me to catch him and hold him. LOL He looks like a stuffed rabbit with dog paws. 

How can I say no to this face. 

Buzz will not be a "man" anytime soon.

That inconsiderate lady never called back. I was going to call her with Peter's phone and catch her off guard as she had both my home and cell phone to put into her cell phone to "caller id" me. You know if something like the size of Buzz changed her mind does she really think I would get upset if she had called and cancelled? She was the one that called me with her Bitch in heat. Hello!! I have never had anyone upset with me when I have called and changed my mind. I always got "thanks for calling". Then again that was the whole reason I would not let my dog go to her place!! She looked lower class and so did her daughter when I met her!!!

What cartoon character are you?

I am Tweety and here is what it said about me.

You are cute, and everyone loves you. You are a best friend that
no one takes the chance of losing. You never hurt feelings and
seldom have your own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze. You are
witty, and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of back stabbers,
and you are worry-free.

Well I don't know about all that. I do tend to worry, um could be because of my continued, previous, but ain't happenen no more relapses but I have had friends dump me left and right just cause they got tired of talking to me loaded. Well when it comes to men I have been a deal breaker. Um who ever fucking said life was a breeze doesn't live. Witty, no, Dooce is witty. Ah but these days I am calm most of the time, unless you try to cut my sons hair with a pair of non hair cutting scissors because he has refused to get a hair cut for months (Peter).

Take the test

I feel more pissed on than pissed off

I got a call today from a woman I met several months ago. I met her at the park I take Aiden to and she had brought her Shih Tzu that day. This was before we purchased a puppy and it was her dog that made me want to go for the Shih Tzu breed. Her dog was beautiful and lovely and so calm and gentle with my son. She was small like Peter wanted and upon research I found out they are really patient with kids and don't shed. Bingo!! I went searching in the paper shortly after and eventually we got Buzzlightyear. So any ways after I had gotten Buzz I ran into her again but this time at an AA meeting with her daughter. I guess she was supporting her daughter there and ironically her daughter was in First Steps. I met her daughter right before I dropped out of First Steps but I didn't get to know her well. I went up to the woman and reminded her we met at the park and I told her about Buzz. She talked about breeding Buzz to her Shih Tzu. I said well give me your number and I will give you mine. Strangely enough I was thinking about her yesterday and thought maybe I ought to hold off on getting him nuetered. So the call today was to let me know she has a female (the offspring of the female Shih Tzu I saw at the park) in heat and wanted to know if I would be interested in studding my dog. I had to call Peter and call my vet to check if he was old enough. Ideally it would be better if he were older but it is not uncommon to breed this young. It just depends on his matuity and if he knows what to "do" with the female. So I called the woman back and said Ihave the go ahead except Peter does not feel comfortable sending our dog off and if she would be willing to bring her dog over fine. I talked to her other daughter and told her everything I could think of about our home and dog. She said she would bring the dog over at 3:30 and her daughter would follow her over. I ran errands and got back in time for her arrival. She never showed. I tried calling at 4:30 and I got no answer and it said the mail box was full. What the fuck. I thought maybe she changed her mind after I told the mother that Buzz weighs 15lbs. She asked if he is a full breed and I explained that the guy that sold him to me said he was. He had told me that he had both parents and that the father had no papers. So she was going to come over and check him out and bring her other puppy that was an accident but absolutelu adorable according to her. She insisted I see the little guy. He was a mix between Shih Tzu and Chiwawa (sp?) Her male Chiwawa nailed her female Shih Tzu when she was gone so she had no idea that her female was in heat and could not prevent it. She only had one puppy and they are keeping her. Why tell me all this shit and then not show up? It is now 5:42 and still no phone call. If they changed their mind the least they could do is call. If there was an emergency maybe call but I get the feeling they changed their mind and are too chicken shit to call and are avoiding my call. She purposely put my cell phone number in her cell phone. Ahh for caller ID. Did she know she wasn't going to come but failed to tell me she wasn't interested but still set up a time? Grrrr. I feel pissed on truley.

We went to Ojiichan's 81st Birthday party at their house on Sat. Even my Dad and Monti went which was great because both sets of grandparents got to see Aiden this weekend. There were 10 to 15 grandkids there and it was great fun, very loud too. So much food it was crazy. Three lasagna's, tons of chicken and salads, and snack foods. They are so used to doing the buffet thing and arranging the food a certain way that I got kicked out of the kitchen. Any ways great fun.

Since the beginning of the week I have gone to 5 different Jewelry stores. I believe I am going to really go for the big solitaire. There were so many beautiful three stone settings with additional smaller diamonds running down the side and very intricate white gold designs but they were all $5000 and up. I have very expensive taste. She pulled out the $10K's before I told her my budget. Ha I nearly fainted and told her to please not pull out any more really expensive diamonds. I told her I did not want anything in an I clarity and no less than near colorless to bring down the price. So really she pulled out a .93 or .96 I can't remember that was an SI2, HI Color and I could live with that. It was a loose diaomond for $3795. and I wish I could put it in a nicer setting but I am opting for a plain band to again keep the cost down. Then later I will ask to put it in a different setting for sure. We will probably have to wait for a nicer one and just get a simple wrap around wedding band. Any ways, I told my dad what was going on and he seemed thrilled that we would be actually moving forward finally. So Peter asks me today if Pooles (the jeweler selling the .93-.96 diamond) had financing. I didn't know and couldn't find out today because they are closed on Sunday. I also went to Devon's and their diamonds with almost the same clarity and color are much more expensive and they claim that if I bring a piece of paper with the diamond specs. on their business card or similar they will beat the price. So I went home and saw that I already have it written down on their stationary. The only problem is that I wrote all over it too. So I am going to bring it in tomorrow when the manager is in and see if I can talk them down on both a loose diamond and a setting. They call it a "mounting" but you know what I mean. I doubt they will and it would most likely still be more than the estimated $4200 that the Pooles ring will cost. Even if I went there for a loose diamond they could take 20% off if we finance it with our own credit card or cash but I told the dude that their diamonds are too expensive even after the 20% off! It seems every where I look the price of a 1 carat with the same color and clarity I want are all way to expensivie so I think we are getting a deal. Zales sells there 1 carats for $5 and $6k and an I clarity which means you can visibly see the inclusions and most likely it will make even a good color look dark because of it. Okay enough about rings. I have been obsessed lately!! Oh heavens I just looked at the clock and it is 12:30 shit I have a tile guy coming at 8 to replace cracked floor tiles (finally) going to bed. AHHG!

Addict

As it turns out Andrew didn't go to Sutter Psyche, instead he went to Sierra Vista. Peter spoke with him yesterday and last night and Andrews spirits have lifted. Perhaps he gave in. That would be a good thing as that is part of the first step to recovery. He is one of those teens though that is extremely rebellious, extremely self centered and has only just begun his journey of addiction so I only see this drug free period as a pit stop. He is at a new high school and making a place for himself among peers. He has already chosen the wrong croud so with someone that has such low self esteen and such low self worth I do not expect him to return from the hospital and have the courage to find a new group of friends. If he has the craving and is hanging with a group of kids that get high his chances of recovery most likely will not happen until he is out of high school, if he isn't dead or in juvenile hall first. How do I know this? He is walking in my shoes and with a lot more anger than I ever had at that age. I believe deep down he is still effected by the divorce of his parents. Peter dropped out of the kids lives when Andrew was first born. His step dad has been in his life since Andrew was 6 months old. How heart breaking and confusing to learn that your real dad was out there but he was not with his mom.

Ah see why I stay.

5150 update and farting

So Peter came and told Andrew that they needed to take him to the hospital to get checked out. Andrew refused, went out side and perched himself up on the back fense. So his mom eventually called the police and Peter told him you can either do this the hard way or the easy way. Andrew chose the easy way and they rode in his mom's car with Peter in the back seat to make sure he did not jump out of the car.

They got to Kaiser ER and it was packed and over crowded. It took hours to be seen and they were put in a room to wait for the psych dr to come. She did not arrive til after 3:30 or so. After evaluation it was decided Andrew should be admitted to a psyche ward/drug rehab.. They do not have that kind of treatment at the Kaiser hospital so they first had to find him a bed at the hospital and then they were referring him and transporting him to Sutter psyche (lock down facility - same place Peter's sister gets locked up in) Andrew was angry that he was at Kaiser and that they were admitting him to psyche ward but as the day wore into evening he was less angry. Peter did not get home til 7:30 or 8 I can't remember. he got a flat on the way home and had to change the tire.

I am so self centered! First off I told Peter a while back I don't want him and his ex to drive one another. This case it was 100% necessary so I didn't get mad. As they both had to be there for Andrew and spend an entire day together ofcourse they probably talked. I got concerned about that in my head. She tends to babble about her own unhappiness with her home life to Peter and I friggin hate that. Any ways Peter had gas and was farting (no holding back) as they sat in the room. His ex's comment was, "you haven't changed a bit" I told Peter that I felt uncomfortable knowing she said that. He was like it is about farting why would you be uncomfortable and I told him that "you spent 15 years married together and for her to recognize a habit of yours after so much time lapsing makes me uncomfortable" He said jimini crickets which is his way of saying that is stupid. So I said loudly and emotionally "that is my feeling and you are not to tell me my feelings are stupid" He said I didn't say it was stupid so I explained that yes saying jimini crickits does not validate how I feel. So he said he was sorry before I got even more upset. How else am I supposed to feel when his ex told me she still loves him. It is no different than how Peter feels when I have spoken to my ex. He gets all bent out of shape to the point of calling my ex and saying "don't ever call my (my name) ever again or I will break your fucking neck." See I don't get as spazzed, but I know I am self centered when I get jealous like that. I am actually a hypocrite really because of all the times I have spoken to my ex and secretively to boot.

5150 = suicidal

I was about to jump in the shower when Peter called and I asked what's up since his voice was serious. He said that he is about to be at Chris's house which is his ex wife and he said that last night Andrew was very sick. She got out of him that he had taken a bunch of Morphine and vicodin pills. She did not take him to the hospital (stupid if you ask me) She has an asshole husband that doesn't want to spend money on the visits (copay for Kaiser I suppose). Any ways,
this am she calls Peter and they discuss getting him admitted on a 5150. Andrew doesn't know it but he is being driven to the hospital today to be admitted. I told Peter don't even tell him anything or he will run. He may even have troule getting him in the car. I told him I would say a prayer and to call me after his admission unless he needs to before hand. Peter is a little stressed that his asshole boss will be mad. Peter told the office and tried to tell his boss but the dude will not return his calls. Typical. I wish his Boss was like CrazyAunt's husband's boss. She got flowers!!!

Engagement Ring

If size and glamour of an engagement ring was important to you but your budget did not allow for a full carat or more would you settle on this type of ring. There is a side tab that explains what the Moissanite are made of. Would I be nuts to even consider this?

Just when I think it sucks

I realize my life ain't so bad after all. Considering my last post, ofcourse he has a house in San Diego, he met a 23 year old there and she is taking him to Cabo San Lucas in a few weeks. Oh but they are just friends. Yeah where did I hear that line before? Oh yeah when we were married and that was the reason I left him, He had too many fucking friends, female that is. Getting an email from him an me opening it was my bad.

Okay now back to reality. On Monday Peter stayed home sick. I told him that the jewlers up the street had a one day only sale on Thursday we should have gone because they advertised a $5k ring for $1400. Peter told me I should have told him on Thursday and he was serious. So then on Monday he tells me to go down to that jewelers and see if by any chance the sale is on. So I go and it's not but they had an extraordinary selection of designer rings. So I tried some on andtold them me and Peter had been talking about rings. So I gave them his budget of $3000 and what they did was use the $3 k as the middle mark and then I tried on rings that were less than, at $3kand over $3K. I fell in love with a lot of rings but in the end the one that did not actually have a center stone yet was only $895 and had accent stones on the side. They put in different center stones for me to see and then in the end Peter can decide how much he wants to spend on the center stone. I put back the most expensive one which looks a lot like this (isn't it just friggin gorgeous?) but if I remember it is round instead. I think I will go back and select it again. Yesterday Peter came home early from work and we went and picked up Aiden together (never did that before) who was dirty and had a dirty diaper. (no he isn't trained yet - he refuses to use the big potty) Apparently Peter wanted to see his daycare finally. On the way home Peter said too bad Aiden is filthy he was going to take me to that jewelers to look at rings. I told him it is just as well because the store is closed until Thursday because they are going to a diamond show. I couldn't believe my ears! I suggested that we comparison shop because that store may be expensive and I might get a better deal elsewhere. It makes me want to go to the mall and look at rings, rings, rings,. I haven't worn an engagement ring in atleast 6 years maybe more? It is practically all I can think about now. Yes I am materialistic I admit it!! I'm hooked! I was looking at rings on the net last night past 12:00.

On to other things. I got 100% on my test from last week. I was thrilled to death. So this Thursday is the test on all of Chapter one which has sections from 1.1 to 1.9. I have studying and home work to do today. Then all of the homework will be turned in on Thursday as well. I have filled almost an entire single subject notebook with homework.

I know my dad and Peter are proud of me. In fact I got a kitchen counter note like I do almost every morning from Peter that said, "Thank you Regina for all you do. You really have come a long way" and long was underlined. Hell I am proud of me.

Yesterday's AA topic was acceptance but it veered off on the subject of problems other than alcohol which require medicine and how some people consider that as not having sobriety. As usual I got called on and boy did I let out some steam. I told the story of my experience at the recovery center and how after several months of attending I was told I could not take my meds and come as it was addictive. So advised how I tired to not use it for my pain and decided I could not live like that and left the treatment. So I told the meeting that "I continue to take my medication daily that I do not abuse it and if anyone thinks I am not clean then F you you can kiss my sweet ass." I said "I have not had a drink in 11 months and I have not drugged for 8 months." That was that. I had turned red when I spoke as I always do. I had said that I hate sharing but know I need to for my program and others. I said I thought I always sounded like a blubbering idiot. After I had spoken to a male friend (Not that kind! naughty thinker you) and he said that I speak very well, that he feels a God conscience from me and that I glow these days. He always gets like goose bumps or fuzzy's when I speak. That really really made me feel good even though I do not see it. He told me that he gets told the same thing and doesn't see it so he believes it isn't for us to see it is for others only. That was an interesting comment. I gave him a similar compliment because he always seems to say something I need to hear.

I am having one of those moments where the thought that being with my ex husband would have been a much better life than the one I lead now. We traveled to Europe and Mexico and did things every single weekend. I know a lot of that changes after having a kid but even before our child Peter and I didn't even go to the movies hardly let alone anywhere else. That birthday trip to Marine world was the very first place we went to together. My ex made good money too and from what I found out recently he owns a house in EG and San Diego.

Sickness

Peter is very sick. He started throwing up last night around 11:30 pm and continued to throw up off and on til around 5:30 to 6:30 am. He has a headache and muscle aches too. He has been on the floor all night and for the most part puked in the garbage can. I felt so bad he didn't have anything left to throw up so he was dry heaving for a long long time.

Forgot to mention

I sit in the very front row, pay attention and keep quiet unless I get called on. On Tuesday the back row and one gal especially got in trouble with the teacher for not paying attention, doing homework in class and what the teacher referred to is "attitude" that was "disrespectful." Unless it was a facial gesture I never heard anyone being disrespectful. So this am there was quite a stir before the teacher arrived. Particularly from the back row. I heard a few people say they were going to move up to avoid any further problems. Quite a few people were mad at him and the one gal apparently was really upset after class on Tuesday. Once the teacher arrived it simmered down and I made a point to turn around and look at who was in the very last row. The gal that got the brunt of it all, still sat in the very back stern faced. She didn't ask one question today. It makes me wonder if she really had any. The teacher didn't give out to any one today but as people were talking during "his time" he did look up and give one good dirty look. Boy I am so glad I sat in the front row. We get called on more but hey I would rather be a teachers pet than on his shit list.

Quiz

Had another quiz today. I hope I did well and didn't make stupid mistakes like last time. I went over it twice and it all appeared to be correct. That frigging knot in my shoulder is coming back so now I know it is test anxiety.

The gal that sits next to me is a bit competitive. She shows me her notebook and how it is organized and all of her homework making the subtle suggestion that I shoud do the same. I tend to like my folders. They are both spiral bound and I keep one strictly for homework to hand in and one strictly for notes in class. She has everything loose leaf in one folder separated by a tab. When she turns in her homework it will be pulled out and stapled together whereas mine will be the entire folder handed in. Who knows which is better but what ever works for yourself should matter so I am not changing mine. I think for the most part she is trying to be helpful but I get theimpression that she thinks her way is much better. Could I be the one that is competitive? Well it doesn't matter each way is acceptable to the teacher.

Friend

Every now and again I get a call from a gal I met in First Steps. She is on the verge of having her kids adopted out to family if she doesn't stay clean and do everything that Child Protective Services asks her to do. She has court coming up again soon and even her atty was trying to prepare her for possible adoption to her family. As it stands her 4 kids are living with her mom and she is living with her sister. Her mom and dad recently split up but both of them help my friend.

Her husband, a dope addict, finally left her and her kids, lost his job and hasn't even picked up his crap from the apartment that she is being evicted from. She ended up packing up all his crap and his families crap they had. She was too nice if you ask me. He even had the nerve to bring his girlfriend by and wait in the car yesterday. I feel for her. She didn't love her husband and pretty much only needed him to pay the rent but still she has to be hurt and scared. I am not certain what she is going to do. She says since her kids are not in her custody she isn't able to apply for any assistance. I don't have a number where I can call her so I am constantly wondering in between calls. Her phones were shut off some time ago.

She is the only friend that calls me. Sad huh? I just have the hardest time making friends and keeping friends it seems. I have quite a few acquaintances but I don't go out and do things with them nor do I have them over my house or call them so I don't call those people friends per se. Peter made the comment the other day that his brother, Solar didn't have any friends and what was up with that and I said well he has me as a friend and by the way I don't have any friends either. His response was you have me so you don't need any friends. Isn't that typical of a man or maybe it is the type of man that I attract. I am not sure. My dad isn't like that nor was my mom and they both had tons and tons of friends that came over and they actually did stuff with. So my dad really has a hard time understanding why we don't have people over and says tht is what "we need". Maybe he's right. I don't dispute having friends is a really good thing. I wish I had them it's just hard for me to make friends is all. What it boils down to is fear. Fear that if someone really got to know me they probably wouldn't like me.

This is on the way to the college. They say the college is in Marysville but really you drive through Linda to get there and it is ghettoville. Everything here is small, run down and dirty. A typical house is the size of our living room and usually has two families living there. I had a friend that lived here but she fell off the face of the earth after having her baby. I just hope she didn't get back on Meth since her probation case was closed 

This is in the East parking lot of the college. I am going to dread this walk in the rain. 

This is the college. 

This is the look I get when he is being "calm submissive" as the dog whisperer would say. He is about to lay on his side or back when he does this to show that I am the "top dog" I had just told him to stay. 

Here is the little terror. He weighs a whopping 15 lbs and is a much bogger dog than we wanted. Must have been a God thing cause Aiden would have killed a smaller dog by now. Buzz takes Aiden's roughness quite well. They love each other so it was no mistake. 

This is probably not a good idea but he loves games!! 

Oh and I got 11 out of 15 right on my quiz. I got problems wrong by not reading the full instructions. Oh that pissed me off. It could have been that I was also distracted by the neck/shoulder pain I had that day. It was the same day I left school and went straight to my pain mngmt dr so he could do something and he injected both shoulders and my neck to try and break up the spasms. I have been mad at myself for such stupid mistakes. I guess it is a c and a c is passing so I shouldn't be too upset I just expected more from myself considering they were easy problems. I thought I would have gotten an A. Thhhhhhwwwp!

Boss from hell.

Last night Peter came home and said his boss is constantly botching every time they talk. He got a call such as that a few minutes after he got home. The next thing I know is that Peter is screaming at his boss and is having to not only defend himself but explain to his boss that he is not doing side jobs behind his bosses back. WTF? They got off the phone sort of left hanging. At that point Peter was ready to tell him to go Fug off. Then he was concerned so he called back and said "where do we go from here, I am confused as to where I stand." So his boss left him hanging again by asking him to come up to the office tomorrow and they could discuss it. As it turns out they had a two hour lunch together hammering a bunch of shit out and Peter is glad that he cooled off before speaking to his boss again. Guess he still has a job but I project that it will not be too long before the next round of Boss bullshit happens. In fact I expect to see it on the next paycheck next Wednesday. I told Peter what ever his decision I will support him. I personally would not have put up with that kind of boss for so long....money motivates Peter more than me though. Then again I have never made a six figure salary either so I might put up with it like he does.

In a way I feel regretful that we racked up so much debt instead of banking the money so that if something did happen we would have something to fall back on. We wouldn't last 2 months as it is. Our saving has taken a dive and the loans we have given his brother haven't helped either. I have to admit I have a bit of a compulsive shopping problem myself. Doesn't matter if it is the grocery store or department store I can go overboard. Retail therapy I suppose. Sometimes I shop for something to do to get out of the house. To me it is no fun window shopping. I don't want to go unless I can spend. I didn't used to be that way but since being spoiled by Peter I have been. When it was my own money earned I budgeted much differently. If I was an active participant on the main account I think it would be different because I would know ho much I can or can not spend. As it is I spend on a separate account and at the end of the day Peter puts money in that account so we don't get overdrawn. So in one day I can spend like $300 and not even know if it is in our budget. (did that yesterday) Does that make sense?

This weekend was spent celebrating my dad's 69th birthday and hanging out on Sunday. The only thing I did really was go to Sams club. I was a football widow. That is perfectly fine by me because I can do my thing on those days. Aiden was a brat yesterday though. He was not listening to us at all and got a huge swat from Peter right in the middle of the store. Later in the eve we all went for a family walk. I love those times. I feel like we are just an average all american family. Something that I think a lot of people take for granted.

I have always felt different and let's face it to be an alcoholic-addict is a bit didfferent. So to be clean and sober living in a beautiful home with family leading the life of a stay at home mom and student is a gift from God. I do not take it for granted. Atleast I don't think I do. We spent some time telling each other just how lucky we are to have each other. I think I came out the more spoiled one but hey aren't women supposed to be taken care of. We lead the traditional rolls of family in our home and that was the way both of us were raised so it suits us well. I can remember my husband from my first marriage wanted it that way and I was too young so I told him to take a hike. I had refused to do his laundry. Now days I feel like I am not doing my job if Peter has to throw in a load of laundry himself. I wonder if I will want to be so traditional once I start full time school or full time work??? I did it all before during my long engagement and second marriage but I didn't have a child then.

I hit the grocery store today and as we passed each customer Aiden said hello and if they asked him "How are you?" he would reply "I'm Aiden, what' u doing?" He would announce to every passerby that he was grocery shopping as he proudly pushed his mini size grocery cart through the store. I don't think a few people were amuzed when he would twirl the basket around and block the aisle. Most of the older people would actually stop and have a conversation with him. I have to assume that he got that outgoing personality from my dad. My dad will talk to anybody and everybody he comes across. Aiden is the same way and I just let him, keeping quite for the most part myself. I get a kick out of it really to see how sociable and friendly he is. He is the total opposite of me. I keep to myself for the most part and am to embarrassed to just shoot the breeze with people I don't know.

9/11

On the 5th anniversary of our nations terrorist attack I hope people pause and say a prayer for those who died and the families who were left behind do deal with the loss of their loved ones. I don't think our nation will ever be the same. We feel vulnerable now and some how even more united and determined. Sadness. I can't believe 5 years have come and gone.

I got 14 out of 15 correct on my quiz. Now the class is getting a bit harder. I started my homework Tues night and got stuck on a problem. I tried it twice, coming up twice with the incorrect answer so I set it aside for Wed.afternoon. Often times when I set something aside or put it on the back burner I can come back to it later and can figure it out. Even the teacher made this suggestion but I learned that from one of the many rehabs I went to.

I got my hair cut Tues. It is so darned hard to find a good stylist. I did find one since moving but I got a call saying she is dropping all new customers. I was offended by that. I don't believe she had too many customers and think she just didn't want to cut my hair. But who the hell knows.

Any how I took another quiz today and I can't wait to find out what I got again. Waiting so long is agony. I like school though and I am looking forward to going again in the fall. I am probably going to take the class my school mate recommended and definately another math. Unfortunately my current teacher doesn't teach the class I have to take.

I wish I could post some other stuff but I am afraid of posting real personal things for fear that Peter will once again locate my blog and read it. That is so unfair that he does that. I am sure I have given him reason to be suspicious of me in the past but still this is my journal and is private to him. He still thinks because I put it out there for the world that he should be included. Yeah what if I called one of his family members a nose picking, ungrateful goon. He wouldn't be so happy about that and really is non of his business. By the way I don't think that about any of his family members.

Back to the grind

We are just getting ready for school this am. I can't wait to find out what I got on my quiz. I am hoping he lets us know today.

It wasn't the greatest weekend considering it was that time of the month and I was fatigued too. It wasn't bad though. Everyone liked the bbq and I got to met yet another Japanese friend of the family that Peter had not seen since his mother died in 85. She has now invitied us to her home in San Fransisco in September. I say let's go for it. Even though I can hardly understand her english. Harumi was not kidding when she said her english was poor. she was also very traditional and asked who was the head of our household because he/she should sit at the end seat. I explained that Peter was the head but that it really didn't matter to us who sat at the ends. As it turned out my dad and Peter's dad sat at the ends and I sat next to Peter and Kobe.

Off to school we go, it is getting late.

Chantix

I have started taking Chantix to get off the nicotine gum. The worst side effect so far is that it causes insomnia and I mean bad. I can't go to sleep and when I do I wake up frequently and can't go back to sleep. I am so friggin tired and irritable in the am it isn't even funny. 1am here now and wide awake.

misc

I got a message this am from uncle solar saying that Seiji wants to see Aiden so he wanted to see about coming up today or tomorrow. I talked it over with Peter and he said he wanted to drive into Sac on Sat to see his kids and parents so I called Jeff back and suggested Sunday. He said that would work so we are having a bbq. I then called my dad and his gf and invited them. they are going to bring her grandson too. Peter doesn't know about all this but I am sure he won't mind. After all he has Monday off. He can get yard work done in the am and then kick back in the after noon except to show me how to make that teriyaki sauce. I still haven't learned. We ran into a snag because I can't find a recipe for canning it. As far as I can tell it will need to be pressure canned but I don't know how long so we are sort of stuck. I have looked all over the internet and can't find anything that talks about preserving Teriyaki sauce.

School is still easy. I took a quiz yesterday and am pretty certain I got an A. I think I got one problem wrong but I will see if the teacher let's it slide. It was the espanded notation and I couldn't remember if you say 6 thousands or 6 one thousands. So I wronte 6 one thousands and then when I checked later in the book it said 6 thousands so I don't know if he will let it slide or if it has to be precise.

I bought cousin Seiji some bday gifts since he turned 3 last week. I didn't want to spend too much because I wrote yet another check for $200 to uncle Solar so his electricity doesn't get turned off. We have lent him over $1000 now and don't expect it back. He should get out from under that house or get room mates. He is really in debt in a bad way and can't file for bankruptcy. I guess he borrowed 35k from Baba to get the house and I don't even know how he is going to repay her. Crazy!

I was supposed to have a dental appt today but I didn't confirm with dad in time so i cancelled. I am also chicken. It is the first time in about 15 years. I am embarrassed to even admit that. I had so much painful dental work done when I was a kid that I have a horrible fear of the dentist. I have broken and chipped teeth. 3 wisdom teeth that need to be pulled because the grew in sideways and it is too hard to keep clean. I have had a few infections because of them too. I have one cap, 4 bridges, I had to have my jaw reset with a bionator, I had to have teeth pushed forward and some teeth pushed back because I was born without 4 wisdom teeth and they had to bridge them. My bionater was like the 3 rd one from the left and the 3rd one from the rt. All of that was very painful so I just friggin dread the dentist. The bionator really wasn't painful but I had to wear it 24/7 except to eat for a long long time.

Peter's sister

Peter's sister called me today. She is totally suicidal. She was also intoxicated. She takes 7 different meds from anti depressants, antipsychotics, bipolar, etc. She says she is in a manic stage and hasn't slept in 3 days. Everything I suggested she implied would not work. She said that none of her medications have ever worked. I did not have a clue as to how to help her. She asked me not to tell Peter so he wouldn't preach at her and then tell her dad and make him worry. I am going to tell him any ways because I never know when she is really serious about suicide or not. She has been suicidal many many times over the past year and has been hospitalized for it but she is saying now that she is just ready for rest. She implied that no one would care if she were gone any way. I told her that wasn't true but she insisted that she has nothing to live for. I hate not knowing how to help someone.

So far math has been easy. I wish it was that way the whole class. I also wish I would have signed up for a second class. I found out that reading would have been a good class to take from a classmate. Her counselor recommended it because it gives all kinds of study tips. I think I will take it next semester with my math class. In some ways I wish I could go full time already. The plan wasn't to start full time until Aiden was in school full time.

Peter's boss with held $1000 from his check again last week (can't remember if I mentioned) and the bastard hasn't handed it over yet. Peter made a half million sale yesterday and his boss was still an ass to him. The guy has taken atleast 8 vacations this year already and was complaining yesterday that he was having to work in the office. I personally think he went back on the booze and is moody but who knows. I know Peter is ready to tell him to "go suck eggs." Last week his boss said he couldn't make payroll because customers haven't paid up yet. So Peter went out and collected a lot of money owed to the company which leads me back to the opinion that his boss can't afford to pay him and that is why he is withholding the money. Now if the jackass would stop going on trips to tahiti and jamaica he would be able to.

I should go to the grocery store today to get veggies and a bit of fruit but I don't feel like it. I guess if I get my ass up and ready I could go to one of the local veggie stands close by. I just feel lazy. I worked pretty hard yesterday getting the house clean and now I don't want to do anything but I don't want to be bored either. Sometimes doing stuff soley for Aiden, ie the park, etc gets boring. he loves it though and I feel like a better mom when I do so I may just turn it into an Aiden day.

sponser

I can't remember if I mentioned before that my sponser has hurried me off the phone when I have called for a few months now. She will also agree to meet then not have the time or say that she had a prior engagement. So I ahve basically given up on her. I have some one picked out already but I haven't seen her at the meetings I go to so I have been technically without a sponser for a week or so. I just hope I don't have to start over at step one with the new one. I am ready to move on to step 5.

As I was driving home today I came up on our neighborhood and saw two firetrucks, two sherrif cars and an ambulance. I didn't get a really good look because the fire truck was in the way but someone had aparently wrecked into a house knocking off the corner of the house and jacked up the garage door too. I can't wait to drive down a bit later after everything has cleared and get a better look. It happened down a side street and it was the second house from the stop sign. I can't figure out how the got enough speed to do that kind of damage. The angle that it hit the house it would have had only 4 houses to pass before it hit. That isn't much time for an older car to gain speed. I still can't figure it out. There were tons of people out gawking. If Aiden hadn't been sick I would have walked him down there but it was too far of a walk.

Shop til a fight breaks out

On thursday after class I went clothes shopping and spent an extraordinary amount of money. Mind you Peter's boss played the withholding of $1000 again but gave no forewarning this time. I had charged it since Peter said a few weeks back i could go shopping. I didn't intend to keep it all but had a hard time deciding so I brought home over $400 worth of clothes and I was going to model it and have Peter help me decide. I thought it might be fun. Well when he saw all the clothes layed out on the bed and asked how much the fun was OVER> never mind the fact that I explained I was taking some back the next day. So we got into an argument with him saying I don't understand why you do that and me explaining that I only have a short time to shop and it helps if I bring the clothes home see what matches with my existing clothes and to try them all on again and also to have time to think if I really want it. I said since I take it back the very next day it is like I never spent the money. Well we ended with me crying and saying fuck it I will take it all back. He said don't turn this around on me and I wasn't friggin trying to it was just easier for me to just take it all back and not have to hear a word about the subject any more. So he said I can keep a couple hundred worth. The next day rolls around and I decided to get up and try everything on again and see if I wanted to keep some. The nest day it was much easier to decide. Any ways I check in with Peter in the am and he said that part of reason he was upset was that he has seriously been considering getting me a ring and charging it and that money could have gone toward the ring. he said that amount could have been half....well I didn't like that much. Not getting the ring but the amount he indicating he would be spending. Am I a picky butt or what. It is just that the last ring I got was over $4000 and he didn't make near as much as Peter at the time. If Peter finances he can afford atleast a carat solitaire or more. So I took over half that back on Thursday and today I said I am not interested in the highest quality diamond and I no longer have to have a three stone setting but at the very least I would like a 3/4 carat or up, preferrably a 1 carat and it has to be near colorless. I actually looked at rings at the mall whie I returned and brought home a card with a ring and it's price. I suppose I am a little eager but the thought of being engaged finally is exciting. I was not really hppy with the ring I got last time and it was my own fault for not speaking up and not thinking I was worth it. I really wanted a carat but told him I loved the 3/4 the only difference this time is that I know all of Peter's bills and 1 carats are pretty darned expensive so if I got the same size I would still be happy. I would be over the moon though if I actually got a cart. I am not expecting it though. Peter isn't real big on size or spending a fortune on jewery despite me having diamond earrings and a custom made diamond ring and custom made Topaz and diamond necklace. I could even tell him to hold off until he could afford a carat but then I am afraid I would have to wait another 4 years before getting engaged and I would rather be engaged. Enough about me being selfish.

Peter's brother, uncle solar called me on Wednesday eve and asked that if he had to go out of town for work during the week would I be willing to watch Seiji over night and all day. I told him sure but that I am going to school and Monday night, Tuesday day and Wed night Thursday day are out because of school. So he couldn't bring Seiji up like I think he was going to ask and instead went to Ojiichan's and was spending the night. What I didn't know was that he had gotten into it with auntie prozac and he told her that she could pick him up on Thurs in Yuba City at my house. I guess that made her mad. So she called him several times that night and called and talked to both Haruni and Ojiican. She had to have known Seiji was at their house but she played this dumn game calling my house afer 11:00 pm on Peters cell phone woke me up and said is this...(my name) and I knew her voice so I was pissed and hung up on her. Then she called the house phone and I was really pissed and said look Ca..it is after 11 and we were sleeping. click. All I heard is I have to talk to you. Not at 11 you dont witch. So I ended up having to turn the ringers off, wake up Peter to have him turn his cell phone off (he had to get up at 4 am that day). So Harumi called me the following eve and filled me in on how she called their house at 11:30 and threatened to call the Sherrif's because uncle solar didn't tell her where her son was and Ojiichan told her fine go ahead and call the sherriff and hung up on her too. Poor Ojiichan is old and has a really bad heart and he had to go to the dr the next day due to an irregular heart beat. That pissed me off so I sent autnie prozac a nasty email telling her she sent him to the ER and to do us all a favor and leave the grandparents out of their mess. I also told her I didn't appreciate being woke up from sleeping and that I wanted no part in being in the middle of their mess. She sent an email appologizing but I think it is horse shit. She told Harumi that she thinks everyone in the K family is ganging up on her. Harumi told her no it isn't true but that they don't want to be put in the middle of her and uncle solar's mess. She said that since she is the mother of their grandchild ofcourse they would like contact with her and for her to bring him over just skip the BS. But unfortunately we all know she is incapable of going more than 2 minutes with out bitching about her ex and trying to put him down to get people "on her side". She says that uncle solar lies all the time, he says she lies all the time. I suppose he is just giving her a taste of her own medicine is all. They are both nasty to one another and it just makes me want to stay with Peter all the more to avoid all this bullshit. it is sucking the life force out of both of them.

We went to Sac today picked up Jared and Chrtina, took Jared shopping for chef clothes since he is taking a culinary art class, went to Japanese lunch then over to Ojiichans and ate dinner only an hour after lunch because Peter lied and said we had eaten a coulple hours earlier. He could have told her the truth so we could eat a couple hours later!!! So we all felt full and sick after dinner was over. Not too long after that we had coffee and rich chocolate cake....ugh. We were all cracking up because we couldn't let on how full we were. Aiden was the only one that ate and didn't feel gorged.

It is late late so I better get my butt to bed or I will feel it tomorrow.

Stinky fishy kissy lips

I put on the new perfume I purchased today and asked Aiden whether I stink or smell pretty....his reply "stink" I bought Beautiful Sheer. I haven't had a new perfume since 2003 so I treated myself today. Along with some new fall cloths.

I also got the shots in between my joints in my spine today. He showed me on xray how the spaces between vertebrae are widening and how the spine itself has straightened up a little. I was told previously by his receptionist that the white areas on it are the arthritis....wrong. It is the kissy lips at the edge of the bones which are much more pronounced on the right than the left which explains why it feels like I have a rod going thru my back on the right of my mid back. Lots of fishy kissy lips going on. My low back has been bothering me today and with out me even telling him, he could tell I was having spasms by touch.

I also took Aiden to the dr today because the frequency of complaints of butt pain increased. I explained to the dr that he only goes poo the amount enough to merely stain his diaper. The dr said he isn't constipated he is holding in his poo from painful past experience. I thought that was the culprit. He prescribed a laxative to help soften and make him go. He recommended I sit him on the pot after breakfast every morning to get him in the routine of going. I advised that I am going to have another issue to deal with since Aiden never wants to use the toilet and has a fit if I try and make him. So I made sure Aiden was listening and had the dr tell him the medicine was to help him go poo and that it would make it not hurt. Aiden said, NO! So the dr kept reasuring him it wouldn't hurt and that it would make his tummy aches go away. Since Aiden absolutely loves his dr I am hopeful that did the trick.

First day of school

It went well today. I was really early because I thought it started at 9:00 am but it started at 10:30. I went and had a huge breakfast at Denney's, read the paper, got my parking pass, checked to make sure I had the right book and then listened to my Go Gear outside our classroom. After class I went to a meeting, then to the grocery store for fresh produce, came home and unloaded gorceries, then completed my homework. The homework was really easy. I just wish the rest of the class was as easy but it's not. he gave a summary of the coarse work and I got lost on the first hard problem. I had to raise my hand and ask if he was going to slowly explain how to do the work and he said yes, whew. After the class the instructor asked if anyone didn't know where the ligrary was. Only two of us raised our hand. He took me and another woman over to the library and showed us his office and where to get tutoring. I actually got to speak to the woman who oversees the tutoring and I told her I would be in on Thursday to sign up. I told her I want to pass the class understanding the material. I also let it be known to my instructor that I haven't taken a math class in over 20 years. I hope he takes that info and for my selfish benefit goes really slow!!!

The newest member of our family... 

What a terrible picture of me....but here is my dad with us. This was Fathers day at Ojiichan's this year. 

They fight like brothers. Aiden is spitting on his cousin in this one. 

Our new gardener. 

Ojiichan and Baba with Aiden. 

Andrew the hell raiser and Aiden. 

Aiden and Seiji at Ojiicahn's house. 

Didn't I lear my lesson the first time!! 

Can't turn my back for a second. 

4th of July at our house 

Me and daddy 

Daddy and Aiden...funny seeing his dad having a good time. 

This was at Marine World and that is Aiden's older brother Jared. 

This is the monster named Buzz who is now much much bigger. 

This is the new vehicle which now has dual exhaust so it is LOUD!! 

Miscellanious

Hard to believe that I have gone back to school. I went and purchased more school suplies and my text book for my class this semester. I am starting with math since it is my weakest subject. I am going to complete all of them first before I take Eng 1A and after that I can apply for the nursing program. I was at Mickey D's today letting Aiden play on the playground while I chomped junk food and looked over my new book. I ran into a lady in a medical uniform who asked if I am attending school. I told her the class and my ultimate goal. She is going for her medical assisting and said that a place called Yuba City One Step offers an LVN program now with the only requirement of passing their prerequ. exams and being accepted after three or four interviews. She said it bypasses a lot of classes that Yuba College requires. The only issue is that they only allow 20 students at a time so there is usually a waiting list. I am going to check it out while still attending my college courses. Doesn't hurt to get info on it. Funny how God puts certain people in your life at certain times.

Speaking of...a fellow blogger that I found out was reading my old blog religiously has had many "it was a God thing" experiences along with her husband. Crazy Aunt...you brought tears to my eyes this am after reading what you had written about me. I thought I only had a couple readers and they have fallen off the planet so to hear that I some how touched your life felt really great. The AA book talks about that we will eventually no longer hate our past or wish to shut the door on it for we can use our experiences to help other to achieve sobriety. However, in your case it sounds like my experiences gave you the courage to set boundaries and to perhaps see the addiction process/recovery process through my eyes. Any way enough of this analitical crap. I hope everything goes well with you and Hubby. My only advice is that all this sobriety is new and to not let your guard down to early. Things may improve in leaps and bounds during the first few months which is great but just remember for the addict/alcoholic the first 3 months are the hardest. It does sound like from your posts though that your man has made some fantastic decisions and that things have fallen into place by merely making those positive decisions. I wish you the best and I am amazed at your courage and strength it must have taken to stand by your man for so many years.

Ah what else ahh my sponser..the flake like me. We have scheduled and rescheduled meetings over and over. Once one was confirmed and when I called to ask if I could bring Aiden to play with her son she said that I had the wrong day when I know I didn't because I had written down the confirmation on our emails and have her email replying a yes for that date. So she was off. Any way we finally met at an AA meeting not last Fri but the Fri before and when I went to talk afterward she said you are going to kill me I have to go pick up my son from daycare. I fell put off and put off. I know on occasions I have had to cancel for reasons such as Aiden being sick or Peter not getting home on time but dang this has been going on for months and months. I am now thinking about asking for someone else to sponser me and to get me thru the fifth step. I am done with my 4th step and feel ready to move on. Ah I will talk to some one else about it and see what they say.

I am also saddened because two of the women I went to first Steps with have relapsed and have had the phones turned off for lack of payment so I can't call them any more. Only one of them ever called me and called me often. I haven't heard from her in a few weeks now and I am worried. Her husband is still using and he pays the bills or doesn't I should say. She was struggling to get money for milk for her kids even. I really don't have any one else that I really reached out to. Well there is this one other lady that I have called before when I was still spun out on vicoden and a few times after I got clean. She is busy as heck but I could always call her. She is the one that used to live one street over with our realtor Cindy. She is a great lady and has 5 years sober. I guess I should call her and see what she thinks I ought to do. I have not called or emailed my sponser since that Friday mostly because I have been irritated with her and also because I have become flaky myself. I know I see myself in her and that pisses me off. I don't want to be the flake I was. I don't like that character defect at all!!!

Oh and I am a terrible mom. Last night I got my son to bed late because I was watching a repeat I have never seen. So I read one book quickly and told him that the monster would come if he wasn't sleeping right away because it was past the bedtime. My son bravely replied "there are no monsters." I had told him before many many times there are no monsters. He went to sleep right away anyways....I knew he didn't want to take any chances. I know that he thought there might be a chance of a monster because he said, "will he eat daddy?" I told him "no it is only little boys that stay up past their bed time." I think I get the award for all time worst mother!!!!

Have a great week.

water fun

The neighbors came knocking on the door to see if Aiden wanted to play in the water with them. The guy about my age who lives with his mom right now has a 3 year old and his brother is in 5th grade. So I offered to fill up the blow up pool for them and to play in our back yard. I guess they stayed for a couple of hours then went home to eat and nap. I am grateful for the visit as I was lazy and feeling guilty that I wasn't doing something to entertain my son. Aiden often goes out to play basketball with the 5th grader. He is really good with Aiden and would make a great babysitter some day. His sister is supposed to babysit one of these days when we decide to go out on a date. Like that will ever happen.

naughty word

Aiden was playing a game on the computer and he said, look mommy a fucking crab. I said what and he repeated it. So I told him that was a bad word and he is not to say that word. I told him daddy sometimes says that word but he knows it is a bad word. Then I called Peter and told him to be more careful about swearing. Aiden had heard the f word atleast 10 times the night Peter talked to Auntie Prozac on the phone. I will be so embarrassed if he says it at school or at his grandparents. Not good. I tried not overreacting because after all how could it be bad if daddy says it. ya know

gone

My golden days are gone and had I known that it would zip by so fast I wonder if I would hav done things differently. I am no longer the young looking sexy woman I used to be in my early 30's. In a mere 9 years I have changed dramatically from bags under my eyes to the fold of skin and a scars from bearing a child. I used to flirt a lot more because of the self confidence I had but not any more. I feel like an old lady and whats the point except to look like a fool. Would I have quit smoking sooner, drinking, taken more care of my body and what I ate?

If anything it has helped me to settle into this relationship now knowing that he loves me for who I am not what I look like or what he remembers me looking like. On the other hand my ex treated me like I was a trophy wife and looks were oh so important to him. I had to always look my best around him or so I thought. He had an obsession with models so I never ever felt pretty enough and I always wondered why he had settled for me. I don't think Peter could spout off the name of one model. It isn't important to him.

On another note I start up school again next Tuesday. I am a bit nervous but am dedicated once again to achieving my goal. What a great agreement we have. He takes care of me now and I go thru school, become a nurse, he gets to retire and I take care of him.

He is going home

Yeah Andrew is going home today. I feel relieved. Despite the overdose incident he wasn't too bad this time.

I have been getting calls from my brother in law again. His ex is up to the bullshit again. When he is supposed to pick up his son for his week, she won't answer the door or her phone. She will make an agreement to go get their son on her off day and it isn't confirmed the day before but the day she is supposed to she no shows then tells daycare that it is his fault as an unfit father. She made up some damn lie about having a migraine and then because her car was in the shop. So my brother in law went picked up his son then drove by her place and saw that her car was there. so he asks me to call and say that I know her car is there. I guess he just wanted to let her know that other people are on to her game. So I left a message on her voice mail saying we know her car is there and that it is a shame she has to play games. She is now threatening to garnish his wages for half the day care. He just doesn't have the $ now and would lose his home if she did that which in turn would hurt their son. So Peter calls her that same night and this time she picks up and he basically asks her why the hell she is so bent on trying to make his brothers life miserable and she denied it and so Peter said in so many words that she was a self centered bitch. He swore at her so much I couldn't believe my ears. He was hoping to come to Seiji's defense. Now she wants to talk to me and I told my brother in law I don't wish to do so that there is nothing that she could possibly say that would change my opinion of her and that it would take a change in her actions to get her off my shit list.

Must be thinking about marriage

We went shopping yesterday at Sams and Peter went over to the jewelry case and started looking at engagement/wedding rings. He has never done that on his own before. He has followed me when I went looking before but always dismissed it. This time he was saying for the price he would just have his brother make me a ring and I told him well we would get a better quality diamond but much smaller and I would rather have the bigger diamond. His brother also doesn't use prong settings and I like how the diamond can be seen in a prong setting. Intead he sort of wraps the diamond in gold or platinum so that you can only see the top of the diamond. I think it takes away from the refective properties as well. My heart shape diamond ring that his brother made is like that and it doesn't sparkle the way my other diamonds have.

Peter has also mentioned on several occasions that he has been thinking about getting married soon. It has taken me so long but I finally know I can make a committment to him for the rest of our lives. Before I couldn't because I didn't feel in my gut I could committ. Now that I am clean and sober I know I want to and that I can. We compliment each other in most areas despite our differences sexually.

Not gone yet

Andrew's aunt couldn't drive part way so Peter didn't take Andrew yesterday. In fact Peter asked what I thought about Andrew staying a few more days. I told him he was only supposed to be here a few days and it turns out he has been here over a week now. I said a few days means 2 days not a week. I asked when his mom was going to be back and he said Wed or Thurs. Ha tried to mislead me again. Peter decided to give me a break from having him here and took Andrew to Reno today with him. I am glad for my privacy. I just feel like I can't be myself when he is around.

The prank caller hasn't called again and I found out Peter left a message saying "if you call my house or call R...(me) again I will break your neck, better yet I will shoot you then break your neck." I have been listening to the message he left me over and over and I have heard that voice before I just can't remember where. On one hand it does sort of sound like my ex disguising his voise in the beginning but the more he speaks the less it sounds like a disquise. We still don't have an answer yet from the reverse directory thing. I hope we don't get ripped off on that. It cost $21 to find out who this is and I want to know.

Not again

I have a new prank caller at 2:00 am last night. This time he left a message stating that he has been trying to stalk me since high school or has stalked me since high school. He sounded drunk and said that I am looking quite beautiful. Me and Peter paid to have phone reverse directory to find out who it is. I am getting blamed for giving out my phone number as Peter doesn't believe me. I haven't done anything that stupid since I got drunk the last time in Sept of last year. I don't understand how this person got my new number which is not even in my name, it's in Peter's name. Any way a brief search showed it is from someone in Citrus heights. I can't wait to find out who it is

Shutting the door on feelings

I was peeking at a blogger who lives in Scotland. There were several pictures of buildings, statues, etc. It looked a lot like Ireland. I don't have any pictures from either of my trips and so when I see pictures sometimes I get the same feeling inside like the days that I was actually there. The feelings are so incredibly intense and when I started feeling that I had to shut it off as fast as possible. Much of those same feelings are attached to my ex and I am not ready to go there. It sucks me in and swallows me whole. It isn't a bad feeling really but one that makes me long for and remember. I suppose much of my first spiritual experience was when I went there and saw that whole worlds exist outside of the US. I didn't get the same feeling when I went to Mexico like I thought I would. Everything was different in Ireland and I mean everything. For crying out loud the plumbing runs on the outside of the houses and they still use skeleton keys. All the houses are attached together like duplexes and not one had a window screens.

I have been in a funk the last week and I think in part it has to do with Andrew being here. Everything is a little different when he is here. I like my privacy and I have none when he is around. He is gone this am because he spent the night at a friends house. So until this afternoon I have the whole house to myself. I was a bit bitter at Peter last night. He told me that Andrew would only be staying a few more days. Turns out a few more days meant 6 days not 2. I feel misled as usual. Now he wants me to ride with him to drop off his son in Vallejo on Sat and I told him no. I don't want to drive all that way then turn around and drive back home. Yuck.

Once again I am meeting my sponser at a meeting tonight. I am not looking forward to it and only because I still haven't finished my stinkin 4th step. I only have a little ways to go and now I am just sick of looking at myself. It has been a painful eye opener seeing just how fearful, cruel and selfish I really have been. I don't want to be that same ugly person any more. It could be that I see a lot of myself in Andrew and that is why I dislike him at times.

you say ketsup I say catch up

Well let's see, Peter got his check. We went boating over the weekend and papa took Aiden fishing his very first time over the weekend. Last Thursday Peter's middle boy, the hellion came to stay with us. I freaked when I caught word that he wants to move back in with us. As it is I want him to go home and things to go back to normal. He would have been gon but his grandma refused to babysit him while his mother went on a trip so she asked us to keep him. What does that tell you!!! The kid took 8 tramadol on Monday and ended up having seizures and taken to the hospital. I took him to a meeting on Thursday. I had planned on taking him to a meeting again today but I am not well at all. I guess he is going home on Saturday.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but nearly three days I have the cold sweats all day and all night long. The only time I feel normal is in a very warm shower. My feet and hands freeze while the rest of me has goose bumps and sweats. I do not have a fever. My back hurt so bad along with the cold sweats that I didn't get to sleep until after 3 am. I have done nothing but take a shower all day. Thank God Aiden has daycare today because I have no energy at all.

Still no check

His boss called last night and Peter throws in (after I motioned to him while he was on the phone to ask his boss for the check again) please bring his "issue with him tomorrow" at their meeting in the afternoon. He had to say issue because a member of one of the crews was in our house within earshot. HIs boss got the picture and get this......The secretary of the office calls Peter this am and says his boss won't be coming to the meeting today. NOW DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT IS BECAUSE HE WANTS TO AVOID HANDING OVER THE CHECK. I called Peter right before my meeting and told me that and I told him that mother fucker is doing it on purpose. I said excuse my language but that is how I feel. I mentioned asking him to leave at the office so he could pick it up on the way home to make him keep his word. Peter indicated that the office was too farout of the way after all the driving he will have done today. He said the boss will be in the office tomorrow for their business meeting. Let's see, I am pretending to be a fortune teller. I can see him coming up with another excuse and because they are at the office Peter won't have a "little talk" with his boss and his boss knows that so he can withhold it once again. I am so interesed in seeing the date it was issued. If it was on payday it would have been issued the 30th. This guy is the biggest self centered, inconsiderate, chicken shit, lying man I have ever seen.

Alcoholism

I started drinking at about eh age of 12. I experimented at home while my parents bowled. I immediately loved the effect. I continued to drink on the days they left for bowling. I would go to bed before they got home so they wouldn't suspect anything. I would also replace what I drank with water. I finally got caught a few years later when my parents tried serving drinks to friends and they indicated watered down alcohol. By then I had some of my friends drinking with me too. When I got my drivers license it was on too. I set off for party after party then would drive home drunk. I have no idea why my parents didn't suspect until much later. I got drunk once before school while waiting for the bus to come. The friend up the street was the one who provided the alcohol and got drunk with me. She was obvious after she got on the bus and the driver went and told the office. After first period started I was called out of my class. My parents were called and they took me to McDonalds and proceeded to ask me why. I had no answer why. Little did I know that I was an alcholic and that is what alcoholics do....drink. When the alcohol started wearing off I was snet back to school with a pass. Since it didn't indicate a time when I should return I cut class to have the same lunch as my boyfriend. We walked to his house where the housekeeper was cleaning. He let his friend inside to make a sandwich and we went in the garage instead. The family van was parked in there and we got in. I lost my virignity that day in that van. I was 14. He used a white condom and it hurt like hell. I had forgotten that you bleed when the hymen is broke so when I went to my next class. PE I bled through my clothes. I hadn't dressed for gym because I got there late. I asked to be excused to the locker room and had to explain I was bleeding. I am sure many people notice the blood. I changed into sweats. I couldn't wait for the day to end and also didn't want it too either. My mom was coming to pick me up and I had a hair appt to go to. My mother stayed mad at me and from then on hated that girlfriend and blamed her. Years later I told her was me that chose to drink and I did not get influenced by my friend. She still hated the girl.

We continued to have sex a lot, I got my license at aage 16 and we would park anywhere and everywhere having sex in the back seat of my families car. Eventually my mother came across a letter I had written to a friend that I sometimes felt my boyfriend was using me for sex. She found it where I hid it inside of a record album. I was confronted and my father was told. I was shamed. Before all that my mom was open about sex and said I could come to her to talk. It was quite the opposite. She was furious with me and I was no longer allowed to drive her car. I confessed to all the places we had sex, her car parked any where and everywhere, the river, his house. I was forbiden to see him.

I continued to see Gregg and as time progressed I became interested in the drugs he was using, marijuana, meth, cross tops, pink hearts, mushrooms, etc. It was on! I liked the way speed made me feel and within a short period of time I was hooked. I was working then and able to pay for my drugs but would often have to have it "fronted" till pay day. Me and my boyfriend eventually broke up toward the end of high school. One of our friends had killed himself after driving home from a party while intoxicated. He got on the freeway going the wrong direction and crashed into an overpass. It killed him instantly.

I met a boy before school got out while playing softball. He was the brother of one of my teammates. I corrupted him. He started drinking with me, lost his virginity to me. etc. He eventually wanted to start seeing other people including my friends. Luckily some of my friends said no way and told me what he was doing.

After High School I worked as a store bagger and carry out. There was a bakery inside the store but not affiliated in any way. This is where I met my next boyfriend. He partied with me for a few years but when he saw my meth addiction was too bad he insisted we move. We lived next door to meth and coke doke dealers and he thought if we moved I would stop. I just had to drive a little further to get my drugs. He eventually got caught for stealing cases of alcohol from the store. His grandfather, a millionaire lawyer, had a talk with the manager and owner stating his grandson would undergo therapy instead of being prosecured. He was never arrested and the police never got involved. After attending therapy my addiction was brought up and I was asked to join in on a session. I agreed and he told me I was an addict and that I needed inpatient treatment. I didn't have the money for that but my parents did. I didn't have the courage to tell my parents or to ask them to pay for my treatment. My boyfriend agreed to drive all the way out to their house and tell them. I in the mean time went on a run. I had the upstairs neighbor by me a six pack of beer and I drove back to South Sac to my dealers house and had a dime bag or more (can't remember) fronted to me. I proceeded to get high and then didn't want to go to treatment. I drove all around ending up near the Sacto zoo at the bigpark there. Something told my ex I would be there driving around the mansion houses. My dad was the driver. They found me and cut me off with their vehicle. My mom was screaming I just want to talk to you. She was crying really hard. They came to my car and saw the empty bottles of beer....I felt defeated and agreed to go to treatment. I thought I would just be registering then I could go home and pack. It doesn't work that way. I was immediately an inpatient and my boyfriend had to pack my clothes. I stayed clean and sober for 4 years back then.

Here I am now, 16 billion relapses later, 5 more treatment facilities and atleast 10 arrests, three of which are assault but one was dropped to probation violation and one dropped to disturbing the peace, 2 DUI's and the rest are drunk in public. I am at the 6 month mark now and haven't drank alcohol in 10 months now.

The check

So Peter talked to his boss on Monday. He explained all that he does for the company and how he deserves to be paid the same amount. His boss agreed and said he would give him his check. I told Peter I bet he is lying. He is a big fat friggin liar. Peter described his personality to a t. He said he is a self absorbed, poor me, self indulged person. So Tuesday rolls around and by the end of the day no check. Peter believes he should get it by the end of the week. He hasn't talked to him about it again. I would have rode his ass all over again if it were me. His boss did say he did't want him to leave. He claimed Peter hasn't been a team player. I believe the office people are the ones that are saying that and saying Peter gets paid too much. Peter is the highest paid employee in the company and he has added waterproofing to their company and many other things as well. If it weren't for him whole crews wouldn't be working.

Peter has been praying like crazy about all this. I have never believed in prayer for ones own needs except that thy will be done. His prayers ask the Lord for specific things for himself. I am not saying that is wrong at all. We just differ in the ways we pray is all. I am glad that he is turning it over to God. I can tell he is stressed out to the max but doesn't want to talk about it. He feels like he is failing his family and I assured him last week that isn't so. I know he devotes 10 to 12 hours a day and even at home to his work. He develops strong relationships with the crew members and has gained their respect. In turn they do favors for him all the time. We are often invited to their homes for birthday gatherings, great big taco feasts and the like. We had tacos sent home from one of the workers one weekend and they were authentic tacos like from Mexico and they were the best I have ever had. So was the salsa. I guess the guy who cooked it was a cook in Mexico when he lived there.

Well any how I wanted to also mention that it isn't wise to use that Spray and wash dual action Stain remover plus oxy clean on clothes other than white because it bleaches out the area you sprayed it on. I ruined three shirts from using it on pink, burgandy and blue t shirts. For the ladies I will recomend Bare Natural by Loreal. It is a mineral posder foundation. It works great and I don't break out as bad as I used to. It covers evenly, gives a healthy glow, lasts for hours and looks pretty natural. It is also much easier to match skin tone. I found one that is exactly my skin color so there are never any "lines".