Andrew's new girl. She is actually really nice.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Taken a few weeks before Aiden's party. Our lawn is the greenest, best manicured lawn in our entire neighborhood. We get people asking us all the time what we us on it. We use this fertilizer with a fungus killer in it and we water it for 10 minutes every night and twice a day when it is in the 105 F., heat.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN
I have already started telling Peter's family that we are engaged and I told my dad's girlfriend last night. My dad is on his way to Missouri so I have to wait to tell him. My dad is going to be thrilled. He was asking where is my ring at Aiden's birthday party. He wants us to get married something fierce. He loves Peter to death not only because he gave my dad a grandson but because Peter treats me so well. My dad knows about our non existant sex life and still thinks it is my fault for not doing things to get Peter in the mood. I gave up trying to tell him long ago. The very first time Peter met my dad 4 years ago he told my dad that he plans on being with me for a very very long time. He said something else too that let my dad know he had intentions of getting married so my dad like him from the start. This was when Peter was a hard working laborer making $20 an hour.
Monday, October 30, 2006
the ring
I know Peter went to Pooles on Sat and he said he was happy with the diamonds they ordered so I think he is having it set and sized now. He started to tell me what was going on Sat night but didn't finish and when I asked on Sunday he said never mind. He just told me it is really beautiful. I can't wait. Yippee we will be engaged!!!! Believe it or not I am so thrilled about it I can hardly stand it. I want to go out and get married right away. I guess we probably won't though until the beginning of next year after the holidays. Just a courthouse kind of thing or a Lake Tahoe wedding. Nothing where we need to dress up or have a party. We may have a family dinner to celebrate but not a reception.
Family feud
Either somewhere far back in this blog or my old one I had mentioned that Peter's oldest son, 19, is engaged to his girlfriend, 15 or 16. I believe I also stated that it wouldn't last and that Jared would get his heart broken by this gal. Well it happened, I just didn't expect it so soon.
First off, Aiden's party was a blast for everyone. Jared couldn't make it since he had to work. Christina came and so did Andrew and his girlfriend Heather. Christina left with Ojiichan and Baba to go home for their own Halloween party. Before that though, Christina had given Jared the ring back because he had been a screw up. He was spending his money unwisely and drinking too much alcohol and not going to work. I guess they still planned on this party though. Somewhere along the line the neighbor girl next door ended up in bed with Christina and Jared. We don't know everyting but supposedly Jared made the move on this girl in their bed. The next thing we hear is that Christina slept with the guy who lives next door and that they are breaking up. So Christina called Peter and told him that she regrets sleeping with this dude but that she fucked up and they are splitting up. Same info holds true today. They are splitting up but Peter talked to the two of them already and said that he would like to sit them both down and talk to them. I know Peter is going to talk about ou own trials and tribulations and how we and especially he overcame them. I cheated on Peter and he finally has let it go and forgiven me. He still hates my ex but I don't have a problem with that. I think he will be telling them that they can see it through this. Christina really is good for Jared. She helps keep him in line and responsible. Although he has been screwing off lately. I guess after all the money we forked out for his culionary classes he hasn't even been going to that. It sounds like she was fed up and wanted to get even with him for his misbehavior with that other girl. Peter told Christina that he has accepted her as his daughter in law and cares about her and the both of them. Hopefully they can work it out. I am afraid with out her he is going to fall into a pit of depression and irrisponsiblity. We are also concerned with his drinking. I knew that one day we went over to their appt and he was throwing up that it had to do with alcohol. I saw Corona beer caps all over the floor and his throw up smelled like alcohol throw up. Sounds gross but I am all too familiar with that smell. I just now told Peter though because I did want him to worry. He acted surprised.
Any ways atleast this whole fiasco didn't interfere with Aiden's party. He had so much fun. All the kids did. Even the older ones. They all enjoyed their gift bags and the party favors which were all Halloween themed except that hats and party horns and blowers. They got glow sticks and stickers, Halloween pencils and erasers, funny eye glasses, halloween cups with straws, etc. We bought Aiden a driving tractor. He also got a huge Tonka fire truck and a huge helicopter, magnet whatchamacallits, clothes, remote control car, tinker toys, books, a puzzle and a small Diego Lego set. I say he made out like a fat rat. The $50 cake was not what I had hoped for. It was beautiful and the cake part itself was moist but there was two inches or so of very sweet rich frosting. They should have only used a little frosting since it was a chocolate cake. We also ended up having cold cuts, home made soup, chips, salso, and veggies with dip. All really easy stuff and it was great that nobody had to cook. Everyone just adores our son and I am so happy for that. He is a very smart, sweet and kind little boy. people tell us all the time how smart he is. We are kind of biased ourselves so when other people notice I know it really is true.
First off, Aiden's party was a blast for everyone. Jared couldn't make it since he had to work. Christina came and so did Andrew and his girlfriend Heather. Christina left with Ojiichan and Baba to go home for their own Halloween party. Before that though, Christina had given Jared the ring back because he had been a screw up. He was spending his money unwisely and drinking too much alcohol and not going to work. I guess they still planned on this party though. Somewhere along the line the neighbor girl next door ended up in bed with Christina and Jared. We don't know everyting but supposedly Jared made the move on this girl in their bed. The next thing we hear is that Christina slept with the guy who lives next door and that they are breaking up. So Christina called Peter and told him that she regrets sleeping with this dude but that she fucked up and they are splitting up. Same info holds true today. They are splitting up but Peter talked to the two of them already and said that he would like to sit them both down and talk to them. I know Peter is going to talk about ou own trials and tribulations and how we and especially he overcame them. I cheated on Peter and he finally has let it go and forgiven me. He still hates my ex but I don't have a problem with that. I think he will be telling them that they can see it through this. Christina really is good for Jared. She helps keep him in line and responsible. Although he has been screwing off lately. I guess after all the money we forked out for his culionary classes he hasn't even been going to that. It sounds like she was fed up and wanted to get even with him for his misbehavior with that other girl. Peter told Christina that he has accepted her as his daughter in law and cares about her and the both of them. Hopefully they can work it out. I am afraid with out her he is going to fall into a pit of depression and irrisponsiblity. We are also concerned with his drinking. I knew that one day we went over to their appt and he was throwing up that it had to do with alcohol. I saw Corona beer caps all over the floor and his throw up smelled like alcohol throw up. Sounds gross but I am all too familiar with that smell. I just now told Peter though because I did want him to worry. He acted surprised.
Any ways atleast this whole fiasco didn't interfere with Aiden's party. He had so much fun. All the kids did. Even the older ones. They all enjoyed their gift bags and the party favors which were all Halloween themed except that hats and party horns and blowers. They got glow sticks and stickers, Halloween pencils and erasers, funny eye glasses, halloween cups with straws, etc. We bought Aiden a driving tractor. He also got a huge Tonka fire truck and a huge helicopter, magnet whatchamacallits, clothes, remote control car, tinker toys, books, a puzzle and a small Diego Lego set. I say he made out like a fat rat. The $50 cake was not what I had hoped for. It was beautiful and the cake part itself was moist but there was two inches or so of very sweet rich frosting. They should have only used a little frosting since it was a chocolate cake. We also ended up having cold cuts, home made soup, chips, salso, and veggies with dip. All really easy stuff and it was great that nobody had to cook. Everyone just adores our son and I am so happy for that. He is a very smart, sweet and kind little boy. people tell us all the time how smart he is. We are kind of biased ourselves so when other people notice I know it really is true.
Friday, October 27, 2006
My aunt
She is not doing well. She has been in the hospital for a while. She has been transferred to a place like a nursing home. My dad couldn't tell me what is wrong with her but it has to do with her neck. WTF? Any ways if she doesn't respond to treatment it could turn fatal according to him. She doesn't know where she is at I guess so what ever it is it's affecting her brain. My guess was some sort of tumor but who knows. My uncle probably told him exactly what she has and what it affects but my dad doesn't understand or remember much any more. I swear I think he is getting alzheimers and he is half deaf too. He refuses to go get a hearing aide and would rather say what all day long and make people repeat everything they say and yell at him. Any ways I have to go visit her next week before it is too late.
Insurance crap
In order to go to work I would have to quit school and I don't want to quit so I called Kaiser yesterday. We are to far out so they won't even quote us. I then looked at health net and to cover the 3 of us there is a cheaper plan than what he is currently paying now. I don't know if it is comparable or better coverage or not. I hate insurance crap. You pay a fortune only to find out that they don't pay for much of anything. I think I want to pay a bit higher premium to get a lower deductable considering my back. For the first year they won't even pay for my preexisting condition or Peter's for that matter. I wonder if we should just put me on one insurance and keep what Aiden and Peter have before we decide to switch them over. It seems that we never know what is covered until we actually have to use it. Considering my back problems and family history of cancer I don't want to go with out insurance. I just wouldn't get the screening that I have now if I had no insurance.
Peter and I hadn't gotten married before in large part due to my health ins. Now that is out of the way there isn't much holding us back. I got a copy of my credit report and it isn't as bad as I thought. I do owe on a car that I let go and they auctioned it off and now want the balance due. Not sure if it has been dropped or if it is still pending. I don't want to call them either because it isn't like I could pay them yet.
One day before the party and we still need to get food and I need to make potatoe salad. I guess we are going to have hamburgers and hot dogs. Easy enough and Peter will most likely bbq while I sort out the games for the kids. Wren and Essay aren't coming now but Peter's friends daughter is is so there will barely enough kids to play games. I am about to start my period and I am moody and tired. That always seems to happen when we decide to have a party or get together.
Peter and I hadn't gotten married before in large part due to my health ins. Now that is out of the way there isn't much holding us back. I got a copy of my credit report and it isn't as bad as I thought. I do owe on a car that I let go and they auctioned it off and now want the balance due. Not sure if it has been dropped or if it is still pending. I don't want to call them either because it isn't like I could pay them yet.
One day before the party and we still need to get food and I need to make potatoe salad. I guess we are going to have hamburgers and hot dogs. Easy enough and Peter will most likely bbq while I sort out the games for the kids. Wren and Essay aren't coming now but Peter's friends daughter is is so there will barely enough kids to play games. I am about to start my period and I am moody and tired. That always seems to happen when we decide to have a party or get together.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
gaining and losing
Peter can't afford the kind of ring I want so for now he is going to get the setting I want with a smaller center stone. Atleast we are getting engaged finally. He is going back down to Pooles right now because he went in earlier and told them what he could afford and to see what they could do for him. He said he wouldn't be able to pay his brother cash so going through him is out of the question.
To top it off I found out my medical benefits are going to be cut off. So I either have to go to work and get benefits or we are going to have to sign up for Kaiser. Kaiser is a long ways away. The closest one is in Roseville an hour away. We would keep Aiden's health insurance as is. I better get into the dentist asap. The soonest it would be cut off is November 2. I have a dr appt on Monday so I am going to see if they can shoot me one last time and refill my meds.
To top it off I found out my medical benefits are going to be cut off. So I either have to go to work and get benefits or we are going to have to sign up for Kaiser. Kaiser is a long ways away. The closest one is in Roseville an hour away. We would keep Aiden's health insurance as is. I better get into the dentist asap. The soonest it would be cut off is November 2. I have a dr appt on Monday so I am going to see if they can shoot me one last time and refill my meds.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
For the hell of it
I counted Peter's dress shirts. Not including the ones at the dry cleaners he has 64 button up dress shirts. One side of the closet contains strickly his short sleeved shirts and the other half long sleeved. The buttom up shirts are kept separat from the t shirts. The lower bar is for his jeans only. Mine are separted by summer and winter and then organized by color. How do you arrange your wardrobe?
Monday, October 23, 2006
Call me a fool
I am still going to marry him. In the past few days I made it clear to him that I don't know how long I can stick it out with out getting my needs met and I have accepted that he is never going to change. For me to leave now would mean giving up school, going back to a job I hate to support myself and son and then having to go through all that dating crap again, that is if I could get a date. I read somewhere that it is really hard for a woman in her 40's to find a man to marry. I hit 40 in a few months. I am doing the comfort thing this time around. Last time I had passion and always argued. Now I have no passion and rarely argue. Granted I felt more in love before but I got hurt and hurt bad before. Atleast I know that Peter won't hurt me or atleast won't diddle daddle with other women. When I had found out he told his coworker all that personal stuff it was the first time in 4 years that he had ever hurt me. I hurt him plenty unfortunately and he is still willing to stick by my side. That has to count for something. I left all my relationships before. Every single one of them. For some reason I just can't with Peter. I haven't even tried and really don't want to even though I complain so much. I like the comfort too much. Financial comfort, the comfort of him and the fact that I don't have to impress him or put make up on if I don't want, the comfort of knowing he wants me for all time sake.
Yesterday he said to me he wanted a juice from this juice shop by our house. It happened to be right next door to the jewelers where I found settings I like. I thought to myself no not there. I didn't want to have to walk in next door knowing I would hve to wait a whole other year. He tricked me though and said oh well there is Pooles Jewelers let's go in there, want to? I said what the heck. The lady that helped me last time was there and told me the cases and all had been moved. So I walked up to the case of engagement rings looked down and was able to spot in 2 seconds flat the ring I wanted. The setting is only $875. It's simple but suits my hand. I showed Peter the ring with both a 3/4 carat and a full carat. Later that eve he said he would probably buy the diamond from his brother and the setting from Pooles. I have a feeling the ring will be this years Christmas present. Looks like I don't have to wait a whole year.
I recently had to fill out a questionaire for my health insurance. I fully expect to get cut off. If that is the case we are going to have to find a more affordable family health plan. Peter pays about $400 or maybe more a month for him and Aiden and it doesn't cover shit. It is a shame tht health insurance has to cost so dang much. It is even more of a shame that his boss doesn't pay for health ins.
It is one week from Aiden's birthday party. We are having it the weekend before his actual bday so that my dad can make it. My dad is leaving soon to go to his boarding school reunion. He went tot he School of the Ozarks, Missouri. Anyways we are most likely going to get Aiden one of those vehicles that he can drive. I had no idea how expensive they were til we went looking this weekend. Holy gracious as Aiden would say. Peter wants to get him the mustang for him. I say get the least expensive one but one he can grow with. Any who I am sure he will be spoiled this year. We are having about 20 or so people over our house. Just family this time around. I have a few games I thought we could play and then we are either going to order pizzas or we are going to get meat and cheese trays to make sandwhich's. I think I am liking the pizza idea more and more. It seems more kid friendly. Peter wanted us to cook but I want to be able to enjoy the party not work the whole time. Everytime we cook for large crowds like that I can't seem to enjoy myself because I am too worried about everything turning out all right and too busy working. Since Peter's family is Japanese they are pretty particular about presentation and how things taste so it is really nerve racking. Harumi (Baba) is the best cook ever and I feel like I have to cook as good as her although that will never happen. She could open her own restaurant she is that good. All the boys fight over her food and who gets the last bit of this or that. Her buffet's are enormous too. She usually makes two vegetable dishes and couple of salads, rice and these things I call rice pillows along with a few different meats. I would be at work for days if I tried to do all that. I say Pizza and cake. I can't wait to see the cake. I bought it from a cake store and it is costing a whopping $52 and is going to match our Halloween decor. The lady hand decorates the cake using a picture to copy. I can't wait to taste it to. Even though it will be hella rich I went ahead and got Aiden's favorite, Chocolate. Any how I have so much to do this week I don't know where to start.
Yesterday he said to me he wanted a juice from this juice shop by our house. It happened to be right next door to the jewelers where I found settings I like. I thought to myself no not there. I didn't want to have to walk in next door knowing I would hve to wait a whole other year. He tricked me though and said oh well there is Pooles Jewelers let's go in there, want to? I said what the heck. The lady that helped me last time was there and told me the cases and all had been moved. So I walked up to the case of engagement rings looked down and was able to spot in 2 seconds flat the ring I wanted. The setting is only $875. It's simple but suits my hand. I showed Peter the ring with both a 3/4 carat and a full carat. Later that eve he said he would probably buy the diamond from his brother and the setting from Pooles. I have a feeling the ring will be this years Christmas present. Looks like I don't have to wait a whole year.
I recently had to fill out a questionaire for my health insurance. I fully expect to get cut off. If that is the case we are going to have to find a more affordable family health plan. Peter pays about $400 or maybe more a month for him and Aiden and it doesn't cover shit. It is a shame tht health insurance has to cost so dang much. It is even more of a shame that his boss doesn't pay for health ins.
It is one week from Aiden's birthday party. We are having it the weekend before his actual bday so that my dad can make it. My dad is leaving soon to go to his boarding school reunion. He went tot he School of the Ozarks, Missouri. Anyways we are most likely going to get Aiden one of those vehicles that he can drive. I had no idea how expensive they were til we went looking this weekend. Holy gracious as Aiden would say. Peter wants to get him the mustang for him. I say get the least expensive one but one he can grow with. Any who I am sure he will be spoiled this year. We are having about 20 or so people over our house. Just family this time around. I have a few games I thought we could play and then we are either going to order pizzas or we are going to get meat and cheese trays to make sandwhich's. I think I am liking the pizza idea more and more. It seems more kid friendly. Peter wanted us to cook but I want to be able to enjoy the party not work the whole time. Everytime we cook for large crowds like that I can't seem to enjoy myself because I am too worried about everything turning out all right and too busy working. Since Peter's family is Japanese they are pretty particular about presentation and how things taste so it is really nerve racking. Harumi (Baba) is the best cook ever and I feel like I have to cook as good as her although that will never happen. She could open her own restaurant she is that good. All the boys fight over her food and who gets the last bit of this or that. Her buffet's are enormous too. She usually makes two vegetable dishes and couple of salads, rice and these things I call rice pillows along with a few different meats. I would be at work for days if I tried to do all that. I say Pizza and cake. I can't wait to see the cake. I bought it from a cake store and it is costing a whopping $52 and is going to match our Halloween decor. The lady hand decorates the cake using a picture to copy. I can't wait to taste it to. Even though it will be hella rich I went ahead and got Aiden's favorite, Chocolate. Any how I have so much to do this week I don't know where to start.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Email to him
I am completely embarrassed now to call the office and ask for you. I fear "she" will answer the phone when I call. I also have a gut feeling that you have told "her" what happened when I came across the email from her to you. She obviously was going to follow up with the question and I don't believe you said to her well, ahem, it is none of your business. I bet you told her I found out, I bet you told her two days later i went out drinking and I bet she has told other people in the office our business (THAT is the WAY women are and that is normal for women to do, gossip gossip gossip in the office) I know because I worked in an office for more than half my life. I don't trust you because you have already made it clear that you have a very personal and trusting relationship with her, which you never wanted me to find out about. You also can not answer my question's with a straight answer. I also find it obvious that you still do not trust me since you have "snooped" through my history and the blog I used to have. I never snooped through your stuff like that. At the most I looked at your phone history when I was feeling like you were cheating on me since you and I had no sex for like a year. What is a relationshi[p if there is no trust and no communication. Especially when it comes to problems like sex.
We have issues and the same issues that have been going on our intire relationship. I don't even know what to say about that.
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We have issues and the same issues that have been going on our intire relationship. I don't even know what to say about that.
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Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
confrontation
I asked Peter again about getting engaged and getting married. He said "are you asking me if I am going to buy you a 1 carat diamond." I told him" it was more than that. Are we ever going to get engaged and married." He said "what do you think." I said "what do I thinkl what you think. What the fuck...why are you playing games." Then he was all mad because I got mad and said well" a lot depends on your sobriety and you haven't told me or shown me what you are going to do about it." He is right I haven't gone back to AA yet and I haven't called my new sponser. But I got all pissy with him and said, "I didn't know Ihade to report to you" He eventually said "Yes I still want to marry you." But that is as far as it got. We argued a bit more. He was made because I was so defensive and I was so mad because he was plaing games instead of just getting to the freaking point. So then we just stopped talking after that. I was busy washing the dog and giving Aiden a bath and putting laundry away so he didn't follow me aroud the house. I did eventually tell him what I plan to do about AA. I have been totally embarassed to go back and say I relapsed. That horrifies me. I know I have to though if I want to stay sober. So today is Tuesday and my normal day to go. Who know Peter may be following me today to see if I really am going to a meeting or not?
Monday, October 16, 2006
Dementia
I went to school today and dropped Aiden off at daycare. Apparently my dad's girlfriend called and left me a message so I called back but missed her. We finally were able to talk around 3 while Aiden was playing at the park before his nap. She was terribly upset. One of the five uncles that I have called my dad this AM and said he didn't want anyone in the family to know tha two weeks ago she had a hert attack and now she is showing signs of Dementia. My uncle stayed up all night with her last night and she was refusing to go to a dr. They had also sent out invitations to my Aunts birthday party on 11/4. I didn't get one but I want to go anyway if they are still having it. I feel aweful for my aunt. I knew something like this would happen because the last time I saw her she was well intoxicated and she had the shakes really bad. She shook bad at my baby shower too and there was no alcohol.
I can't understand why he would keep it from us and my dad's girlfriend downs't get it ether. We hardly ever see each other but I certainly want to see my aunt before she doesn't know who we are. My uncle who is a recovering alcoholic needs support from us too. Any ways she is going to get what the hell is going on from my dad tonight and then she is goig to secretly tell me and if my dad decides to tell me then I have to act surprised because I am not supposed to know. Lord we have a dysfunctional family!
I can't understand why he would keep it from us and my dad's girlfriend downs't get it ether. We hardly ever see each other but I certainly want to see my aunt before she doesn't know who we are. My uncle who is a recovering alcoholic needs support from us too. Any ways she is going to get what the hell is going on from my dad tonight and then she is goig to secretly tell me and if my dad decides to tell me then I have to act surprised because I am not supposed to know. Lord we have a dysfunctional family!
Since Aiden was sick on Thursday I missed class and have to go into school today to make up a test. I think I am pretty prepared since I studied all the way to Sacto and back home again yesterday. I hate math but this class isn't so bad because the teacher explains everything and we go slow and I ask a ton of questions. I am certain the majority of the class hates my guts because I ask so many questions. Fuck what do these teeny boppers expect. I haven't had to do any of this stuff for over 20 years. We are learning what I should have learned in the 7th grade. I think kids these days are learning this stuff in grade school now.
We were going to visit Ojiichan and Baba yesterday but they were busy so we drove down anyways to give his oldest son gas money and had lunch at the restaraunt his girlfriend works at. I must say it was a great burger. It was a lot like In and Out but they carmalize the onions before putting them on. Yumm.
I had asked Peter via email whether or not I had to wait an entire year again to get married and if he had told his brother to stop looking at diamonds. Well he never answered me. Over the phone on Friday he said we would talk about it at home that night. Neither of us brought it up again but it has been on my mind every second. I am pretty certain by his lack of repsonse that he is non too eager to get married now. I was getting so excited about being a wife again too. Aaahh nuts.
We were going to visit Ojiichan and Baba yesterday but they were busy so we drove down anyways to give his oldest son gas money and had lunch at the restaraunt his girlfriend works at. I must say it was a great burger. It was a lot like In and Out but they carmalize the onions before putting them on. Yumm.
I had asked Peter via email whether or not I had to wait an entire year again to get married and if he had told his brother to stop looking at diamonds. Well he never answered me. Over the phone on Friday he said we would talk about it at home that night. Neither of us brought it up again but it has been on my mind every second. I am pretty certain by his lack of repsonse that he is non too eager to get married now. I was getting so excited about being a wife again too. Aaahh nuts.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Forgot to mention
How much I really regret drinking and even while I was too. Peter must have left 25 messages on my phone including ones of Aiden saying "come home mom, come home!" I was pretty much in a black out when I listened to them but after repeatedly hearing my son, I came to my senses and called home.
I can see now where I had not been practicing my program as I should have and it seems to me that if I am not moving forward then there is only backward left. There is no such thing as a pause. In other words if I am not doing everything suggested as a program of recovery then I am on my way to relapse period. I do have a new sponser but haven't called her yet and haven't been to a meeting since I drank, I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I haven't yet got the courage to show my face, and to tell the truth.
I can see now where I had not been practicing my program as I should have and it seems to me that if I am not moving forward then there is only backward left. There is no such thing as a pause. In other words if I am not doing everything suggested as a program of recovery then I am on my way to relapse period. I do have a new sponser but haven't called her yet and haven't been to a meeting since I drank, I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I haven't yet got the courage to show my face, and to tell the truth.
Side swiped
The day after I did go drink. One long afternoon into evening drunk at a bar right up the street from our house. I called Peter after having two beers and told him that he needed to pick up Aiden after school. Then I hung up on him and turned my phone off. Next thing I know basically is that it was 10 or so I had been cut off from the bar and I wanted to go home. Ofcourse Peter came and got me and he yelled a bit that first night but after that he really hasn't said a whole lot. I think he feels a bit responsible even though he isn't. The next day which was Friday Peter had arranged for his folks to be at our house to watch Aiden. I stayed in the bedroom except for once I came out and briefly talked to my mother in law.
It has taken over a week now to get back into the groove of things. I still wanted to drink again on Tuesday. That was my fault because I had fed the sleeping tiger. It is Thursday now and my son is home sick. I had already spoke to my teacher yesterday and he said I could make up the test on Friday or Monday. So we are just hanging out in our filthy let everything go to all heck house.
It has taken over a week now to get back into the groove of things. I still wanted to drink again on Tuesday. That was my fault because I had fed the sleeping tiger. It is Thursday now and my son is home sick. I had already spoke to my teacher yesterday and he said I could make up the test on Friday or Monday. So we are just hanging out in our filthy let everything go to all heck house.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Felt like drinking yesterday
Went to a meeting at 8 pm instead last night. I got some sleep during the day.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Hi Peter happy reading.......
Yesterday I sent Aiden to daycare because I had my CAT scan and xrays of my neck. I am calling my dr today, by the way, to see if I can get in. That knot is still there bad as ever. To tell you the truth I have a feeling it is because of my math class. One because I am looking up and down a lot which is flaring up a pre existing problem but also because math stresses me the fuck out. I have hated math since the 5th grade. I avoided doing my flash cards with my teacher and I stopped at about subtraction. All the other kids stood in front of the teacher and he would use a whole deck of flash cards to test each student individually for addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. I think the other kids were on division and that is when my teacher noticed that I hadn't been doing it. I was an honery cuss even in grade school!! If charma flows correctly, me and Peter are going to have a harder time with Aiden than we ever had with Andrew. I screwed myself way back when I didn't want to do my math. I have hated math since then and I would sit down and do my homework even in high school and cry because I did not understand what I was supposed to do to solve a problem. Knowing this about myself I signed up for a tutor after the very first class when the teacher showed us the tutor hall in the library. They haven't contacted me yet but it is already time. Looks like I probably will going as a walk in after school and a meeting today. I think my neck knots are psycho-somatic. In other words it is caused all in my head!!
Anyways I had looked at a bit of naughty stuff on the net and had my relationship with a pink vibrating toy. Mind you I recently complained to Peter that I have a better relationship with my vibrator than him and it produced NO results. So back to yesterday....I forgot to clear my history and Peter beat me home. Yes he looked at my history which included the porn and this new blog. He called me as I was leaving the store and said "Where are you" so I knew he beat me home and I could tell from his voice that he was not too happy. Any person that just knew him wouldn't know that something bothered him...but I knew. I knew before I even got home that he was peeved that I looked at porn. As I was driving home I was thinking if he so much as gives me an inkling of grief it is his own fault. I never said that exactly but he came up to me while I was cooking dinner and gave me a hug and said. "We need to work on our relationship." What? I didn't say that but I said "oh yeah, what do we need to work on" He said something like I saw you history today and I immediately pulled away and told him I knew he saw it even before I got home that I could hear it in his voice and to not even dare be mad at me. He sort of stood there dumb founded because he didn't say he was mad at me and in all appearances did not appear to be mad. Looking back I think he got our problem from a different perspective and didn't like how he felt after he knew what I was doing and that motivated him to do something. So any way I got all bent out of shape told him he had no right to be upset with me after I have no sex life and I am the one that misses it and complains. Although I don't really say anything any more because it only makes things worse.
I didn't start up this post again until the following day and a lot has transpired since then. Last night I had a suspicious feeling that Peter had hid something in his email. I didn't know what or when but I had to look. I don't know his password but I took a chance that he had automatic sign in on the lap top he takes in his truck. Sure enough it did. I saw and email from one of the females at his work and the title of it said Just Curious again. The content of the message said. "Yet you do not follow her coming and going." or something like that which led me to believe that he talked to her about a private matter and I tried getting into his trash but the computer got stuck. Aiden had gotten up on the bed and decided he wanted to play a computer game and pitched a fit because I wouldn't let him and told him to stop grabbing for the computer. I was irritated because I wanted to see the deleted shit before Peter came in and checked on Aiden's hollering. Sure enough Peter came in and saw me on his work lap top. I said what are you trying to hide and he said let's see, grabbed the comp and deleted all the relevant fuccking emails and when I asked him what it was regarding he tried saying nothing. So I was pissed off that he was keeping a secret and particularly with a female coworker that I always felt he was a little too comfortable talking with 2 years ago even. So finally he says let's talk about it. I said yeah right after you deleted all the info and have had time to think about your story. Fuck that. I was pissed then curiousity had me so I asked what it was regarding and he said that after he had seen all the porn he was suspicious I was looking for a lesbian relationship so he asked this female coworker to get her perspective as to whether she thought I ws seeking a lesbian relationship or if this was something females did. I am embarrassed, hurt, feel betrayed. I did not sleep one wink the entire night. I have been crying almost non stop and my eyes have swelled up into puffy little balls. I told him that he isn't comfortable enough to talk to me about all this yet he felt comfortable enough telling her my private stuff. OMG I am still so upset at 8:00 am. I feel like smoking! I wrote him a big long note last night and at the end asked him how he wold feel if I called Jen (as he calls her) or emailed her and told her that he only gives himself to me sexually about 3 times a year and that is the reason I masturbate to porn. I am not some sexual deviant like he thinks out looking for some sicko relationship. I showed Peter the site I went to and how I randomly chose sample clips and told him that he should have come to me if he had questions or atleast gone to webmed or asked a professional. I am completely mortified that this woman knows all this about me now and I would not be surprised if she shared the info with other staff members. He appologized to me over and over and over again. I know he is sorry and he knows it was wrong but it doesn't take away the distrust or the pain or the embarrassment or the betrayal.
My new blog was also left on the history and he may or may not have caught it. I have nothing to hide.... so happy reading. I also told him despite our sexual problems I chose not to cheat on him and I feel horrible that he thinks that I could do that to him.
Anyways I had looked at a bit of naughty stuff on the net and had my relationship with a pink vibrating toy. Mind you I recently complained to Peter that I have a better relationship with my vibrator than him and it produced NO results. So back to yesterday....I forgot to clear my history and Peter beat me home. Yes he looked at my history which included the porn and this new blog. He called me as I was leaving the store and said "Where are you" so I knew he beat me home and I could tell from his voice that he was not too happy. Any person that just knew him wouldn't know that something bothered him...but I knew. I knew before I even got home that he was peeved that I looked at porn. As I was driving home I was thinking if he so much as gives me an inkling of grief it is his own fault. I never said that exactly but he came up to me while I was cooking dinner and gave me a hug and said. "We need to work on our relationship." What? I didn't say that but I said "oh yeah, what do we need to work on" He said something like I saw you history today and I immediately pulled away and told him I knew he saw it even before I got home that I could hear it in his voice and to not even dare be mad at me. He sort of stood there dumb founded because he didn't say he was mad at me and in all appearances did not appear to be mad. Looking back I think he got our problem from a different perspective and didn't like how he felt after he knew what I was doing and that motivated him to do something. So any way I got all bent out of shape told him he had no right to be upset with me after I have no sex life and I am the one that misses it and complains. Although I don't really say anything any more because it only makes things worse.
I didn't start up this post again until the following day and a lot has transpired since then. Last night I had a suspicious feeling that Peter had hid something in his email. I didn't know what or when but I had to look. I don't know his password but I took a chance that he had automatic sign in on the lap top he takes in his truck. Sure enough it did. I saw and email from one of the females at his work and the title of it said Just Curious again. The content of the message said. "Yet you do not follow her coming and going." or something like that which led me to believe that he talked to her about a private matter and I tried getting into his trash but the computer got stuck. Aiden had gotten up on the bed and decided he wanted to play a computer game and pitched a fit because I wouldn't let him and told him to stop grabbing for the computer. I was irritated because I wanted to see the deleted shit before Peter came in and checked on Aiden's hollering. Sure enough Peter came in and saw me on his work lap top. I said what are you trying to hide and he said let's see, grabbed the comp and deleted all the relevant fuccking emails and when I asked him what it was regarding he tried saying nothing. So I was pissed off that he was keeping a secret and particularly with a female coworker that I always felt he was a little too comfortable talking with 2 years ago even. So finally he says let's talk about it. I said yeah right after you deleted all the info and have had time to think about your story. Fuck that. I was pissed then curiousity had me so I asked what it was regarding and he said that after he had seen all the porn he was suspicious I was looking for a lesbian relationship so he asked this female coworker to get her perspective as to whether she thought I ws seeking a lesbian relationship or if this was something females did. I am embarrassed, hurt, feel betrayed. I did not sleep one wink the entire night. I have been crying almost non stop and my eyes have swelled up into puffy little balls. I told him that he isn't comfortable enough to talk to me about all this yet he felt comfortable enough telling her my private stuff. OMG I am still so upset at 8:00 am. I feel like smoking! I wrote him a big long note last night and at the end asked him how he wold feel if I called Jen (as he calls her) or emailed her and told her that he only gives himself to me sexually about 3 times a year and that is the reason I masturbate to porn. I am not some sexual deviant like he thinks out looking for some sicko relationship. I showed Peter the site I went to and how I randomly chose sample clips and told him that he should have come to me if he had questions or atleast gone to webmed or asked a professional. I am completely mortified that this woman knows all this about me now and I would not be surprised if she shared the info with other staff members. He appologized to me over and over and over again. I know he is sorry and he knows it was wrong but it doesn't take away the distrust or the pain or the embarrassment or the betrayal.
My new blog was also left on the history and he may or may not have caught it. I have nothing to hide.... so happy reading. I also told him despite our sexual problems I chose not to cheat on him and I feel horrible that he thinks that I could do that to him.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Ring update
Peter asked me to be patient when it came to diamond. I told him I would. Since I really am still undecided on the style of the engagement ring and wedding band, I told Peter I would just go with the .90 carat solitaire in a tiffany setting (plain band) then when we get married or even at the 5 year I could get the big diamond set in the engagement ring of my choice. he said that would be fine. He took a look that the sample I came up with and said he believed his brother could do a Simon G knock off but it would take a long long time because he has to first sculpt in by had and then he had to do a mold off of that then pour it. He said we could go to his brother's house to look at his studio and see what he could come up with. Whoo hoo. I may be engaged soon. Finally.
I showed Peter some wedding rings I thought would look nice on him. He said it was too soon to decide. That didn't make me too happy. He said we could get married at a year clean and sober and that is just around the corner. I have 9 months clean and sober this month and I am even off the Chantix now. So I am totally nicotine and Chantix free for about a week or more. I forgot to write down when I stopped taking it. I just did it before I ran out of pills to make sure I could do it with out the pills. I have now started to recommend Chantix to everyone I know that smokes. In fact I go to (gag) smoking meetings on Tues and Thurs and I should announce it at meetings just in case people are trying to quit.
I showed Peter some wedding rings I thought would look nice on him. He said it was too soon to decide. That didn't make me too happy. He said we could get married at a year clean and sober and that is just around the corner. I have 9 months clean and sober this month and I am even off the Chantix now. So I am totally nicotine and Chantix free for about a week or more. I forgot to write down when I stopped taking it. I just did it before I ran out of pills to make sure I could do it with out the pills. I have now started to recommend Chantix to everyone I know that smokes. In fact I go to (gag) smoking meetings on Tues and Thurs and I should announce it at meetings just in case people are trying to quit.
Went to ER again
Damn it to all hell. For two night I got no sleep. Friday night I could not sleep because every time I started to fall asleep both of my arms and down the middle, ring and little finger would fall asleep, tingle, ache and go numb. It was impossible to sleep with my arms like that. It happened evry time I layed down and would stop after sitting up for a while. So the following day I was a bitch and tried taking a nap with out success because of the numbing when I layed down. The next night I also had trouble sleeping because of slight numbing and because of the friggin knot that had devolped in my right shoulder and up the neck. So the next day I went to the urgent care clinic and apparently got there late so the dr was at lunch. They recommended that I go to the er's clinic next door. So I did. I was seen right away and since I was already scheduled for a CT on Monday to determine the cause of neuro problem they didn't refer me. I told the dr that I would not take, narcotics, benzo's, SOMA etc as I I was in recovery. He said that limits the medications he could prescribe to me to help with the pain and sleep. In the end he was able to prescribe the muscle relaxer. I forgot the name.....but will look and post later. It helped but only after I had several in my system. I slept last night and thank God because I don't hurt as bad today.
The coyote ugly family
I remember Helga's dog was very very pretty. It is what made me want to get a Shih Tzu in the first place. I also remembered that Helga and her daughter weren't so lucky in the pretty department. I met one of her daughter's in an AA meeting and that is when I had told Helga I bought a Shih Tzu after seeing her dog in the park. So when I learned it was Helga and her other daughter that were coming I was curious as to what the other daughter looked like. I agreed to the dog being bred with mine because I ASSUMED the offspring of Helga's dog would be pretty as well. WRONG. Helga's other dauther wasn't as coyote ugly but her friggin dog was. It's bottom jaw jutted forward making the teeth stick out of the lips constantly and the dog's coat was thin and stringy unlike my own dog's whose coat is thick and wavy. No wonder why my dog and her dog wouldn't do the nasty. I hope they didn't any way. I tried to have the lady come pick up her dog asap but she had to work that night til 11 so she said she would come the following am. which was Saturday am. Okay one more night wouldn't hurt and I don't have to get a dog from this litter if they did do the nasty.
So the following am the coyote ugly family came and picked up their dog. I answered the door and her kids were standing there. Mrs. Coyote Ugly was talking to Peter in the garage which is why I didn't notice she brought her husband. Her kids had lopsided faces and I felt sorry for them. I am not kidding either. We aren't talking barely visible lopsided (mine is lopsided by the way) but theirs was to the point that one eye sat much lower on the face than the other and one cheek was terribly more lopsided than the other. Holy crap Mrs. Coyote ugly finally came in the house through the garage and her hubby followed and that is when the title "Coyote Ugly" popped in my head. The kids looked just like the dad but the dad's face was much worse. I didn't think Helga's daughter was so bad looking so I was quite surprised to see she married someone that was so much less attractive than she is. I chalked it up to low self esteem. I kid you not I don't remember ever seeing a man so unattractive and that sounds really mean but that is what I remember thinking and I didn't even say anything about the family to Peter. We just agreed that their dog was FUGLY. Mrs. Coyote ugly informed me that she would have her fugly dog ultra sound in a few weeks to see if there were any pups. She thought there was a chance that they did the nasty the first night with out yellping. Is it possible that when dogs "do it" they don't yellp? God I hope not. I was thinking how horrible I agreed to pass on this horrible dog trait. A dog like hers should not be bred so the jutting jaw stops with her. Her dog is the reason people by dogs with a pedigree, as her dog was noticeably without a pedigree. Not so easy to distinuish with Buzz. I thought we got pretty lucky when selecting Buzz. Supposedly both his parents were full breed but then again the Coyote Ugly family's dog is full bred, but apparently the father of their dog or maybe even the mother passed on bad genes. It told Peter yesterday that their dog is the reason people will pay $1000 for a dog. He couldn't understand that before but now he sure can. He was saying yesterday, "that dog was soooooo ugly, I am sorry, but it was!" oh yeah, I was thinking to myself, ofcourse it was, it belonged to the coyote ugly family.
So the following am the coyote ugly family came and picked up their dog. I answered the door and her kids were standing there. Mrs. Coyote Ugly was talking to Peter in the garage which is why I didn't notice she brought her husband. Her kids had lopsided faces and I felt sorry for them. I am not kidding either. We aren't talking barely visible lopsided (mine is lopsided by the way) but theirs was to the point that one eye sat much lower on the face than the other and one cheek was terribly more lopsided than the other. Holy crap Mrs. Coyote ugly finally came in the house through the garage and her hubby followed and that is when the title "Coyote Ugly" popped in my head. The kids looked just like the dad but the dad's face was much worse. I didn't think Helga's daughter was so bad looking so I was quite surprised to see she married someone that was so much less attractive than she is. I chalked it up to low self esteem. I kid you not I don't remember ever seeing a man so unattractive and that sounds really mean but that is what I remember thinking and I didn't even say anything about the family to Peter. We just agreed that their dog was FUGLY. Mrs. Coyote ugly informed me that she would have her fugly dog ultra sound in a few weeks to see if there were any pups. She thought there was a chance that they did the nasty the first night with out yellping. Is it possible that when dogs "do it" they don't yellp? God I hope not. I was thinking how horrible I agreed to pass on this horrible dog trait. A dog like hers should not be bred so the jutting jaw stops with her. Her dog is the reason people by dogs with a pedigree, as her dog was noticeably without a pedigree. Not so easy to distinuish with Buzz. I thought we got pretty lucky when selecting Buzz. Supposedly both his parents were full breed but then again the Coyote Ugly family's dog is full bred, but apparently the father of their dog or maybe even the mother passed on bad genes. It told Peter yesterday that their dog is the reason people will pay $1000 for a dog. He couldn't understand that before but now he sure can. He was saying yesterday, "that dog was soooooo ugly, I am sorry, but it was!" oh yeah, I was thinking to myself, ofcourse it was, it belonged to the coyote ugly family.
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