School, Auntie Maria, my Peter

I took my math test today and I felt like I missed a ton of problems. I am not to happy with myself. My study time that I chose was inappropriate because Aiden was home and constantly interrupted me. Then I had to break and put him to bed. When I layed down next to him I fell asleep and woke up at 1 am. So I stayed up and studied for an hour. I did not do practice problems as I have done in the past. So not only did I miss the first test, I probably bombed the second test. I am doing great with understanding the math though and am able to complete my homework with out the assistance of my tutor. I always speak up in class. (Both classes actually) Any ways I will do better next time.

Uncle solar was going to bring Seiji up late this afternoon but his work required him to cancel. Now Peter's sister is going to come over on Fri and spend time with us til Sun. Last time we hung out with her last weekend I stressed that she should come over to get out of that environment. she looks a million times better now that she is clean. Before her face was picked at so bad she would get staff infections. She always had several huge open sores all over. It was mighty gross. No sores now though. I used to hate it when she touched my child and I got to the point where I would always asked, "do you have an infection and can you cover your sores with bandages please." She was understanding. Any ways, she is trying to stay clean and is still suffering from depression. She has been bipolar and depressed her entire life. She has attempted suicide more than once and has been suicidal several times requiring the cops coming an taking her to psychiatric facilities or her father taking her to the hospital. Peter has told her nearly weekly to get out of that house (she lives with a crazy drug using person in one of those cold, dark, dingy, filthy, piled high with junk houses) I have been inside and there is no method of any sort, and no decorating. For example, lawn chairs in front of a tv set on card board boxes and other pieces of furniture or large awkward items all about the entire room. You have to walk in sort of a maze like fashion to get from one room to the next. Well enough about that. I am just glad she has decided to come. We need to see about taking her out for fun. Her long time room mate, like we are talking close to 15 years, has schizophrenia, bipolar and addiction. She hears voices, believs that the cops are watching her and getting in through the garage, setting up surveillance viewing in there because the house has camera's watching her. She will often times go out side and scream at the top of her lungs, usually a slew of swear words and finally to get the F*** out of her house. Well enough about all that madness.

I went to a meeting today as it has been a loooong time since I did. I will be going again Sunday but at the Madhouse to see Peter get his 6 year chip presented to him. I have been thinking about going up and saying something (pre-prepared speach of some sort. The difficult parts are that there will be about a minimum of 50 people in the room. Many of whom I will know and even more that I don't. In addition, when I say a speech in regards to a loved one, I always get choked up, cry and then I am unable to speak except in squeaky, unintelligible sentences. Doesn't that sound like fun. In the past Peter has asked me to come and present his chip and I always have chickened out. I do feel it is important though because out of those six years, Peter and I have been together for 5. Tons of people from the made house believe Peter and I would not make it together. Many people told Peter to give up on me and let me go because of my relapses. Many people did not approve of our relationship. Many people were jealous too. Now I can stand up there with a nice sparkling ring on my finger and a billion wonderful things to say about Peter and what he does for his recover and for his family. What a walking miracle he is. He used to cook and sell his own dope, get sex from bag whores (women who want a bag of dope exchanged sex to get it). These women must have been unclean, filthy, and would do basically anything to get a bag of dope. I imagine with Peter being on dope and the nature of that drug making you want to fuck for hours with out stopping, did so with these women. That is one of the reasons he is so fucked up about sex. I am getting hung with another woman's rope basically or many women I should say. He was also homeless at one point, lost everything he owned because he couldn't pay for storage any more, rode a bike ever where, got arrested several times, had three felonies for drug possession and paraphernalia so he he did more than two years of jail time. Now look where he is at today. Pretty fucking amazing if you ask me. He has always been the rock of our family.

New week

Last week was a horrible week. It was full of emotional ups and downs with it being the anniversary of my mothers death and the anniversary of my engagement to dick head. I had a whole afternoon of crying and again later that evening. Once I got that out, the rest of the week wasn't quite as hard. This week and even into the weekend is much better for me emotionally. I think Peter and I have swapped though. This weekend he became very emotional on the way home from Ojiichan's. He called his eldest son to say the end is coming and to visit as much as he can. Poor baby couldn't even finish talking to his son and handed the phone over to me. I have only seen Peter cry like that one other time in regards to his mom. This time it was more intense. I told Peter that I was there for him through this difficult time and that I want to be his net, his rock, his shoulder or whatever he needs me for to get through it.

Jared and Peter

door mat

This week the winch apologized for what she says she didn't even know she did wrong. Yeah right. So I made nice back to avoid getting the see she is a bitch reputation. So any way on her website she is all I love Petr he is like a dad to me and I look up to him and he is nice to everyone even if they run him over and use him to this very minute and so I write back say. Who is running him over this very minute? If that isn't what she meant then i asked her to change it. so then she writes he is nice to EVERYONE even if they run him over or use him. So I thought a while about that disturbing statement and wrote back to her and this is what I said.
"Hey I know you don't mean it this way but to imply that Peter is nice to
everyone even if they run him over and use him makes Peter sound like a door
mat. You may want to rethink that statement as well. In truth Peter isn't nice
to everyone that runs him or his family over, quite the contrary and as far as I
can tell nobody "uses" him. His own boys may take him for granted now and again
but no one uses him, including myself."

I need to let Peter know that I apologized so that if they get together again I don't look like a bad guy. Perticularly for his son's sake. But in truth I still think she is a bitch but I will play nice to her face like I had to do for the last year or so.

Go get your own man!!

I swear that girl has the hots for my man. She did this tribute thing and got his picture off of our profile THAT I MADE on myspace. She is like oh he is like a dad and she respects him so much and how he never gives up on her, blah blah blah..read for yourself. I wonder wo she is referring to when she says someone is just using him this very minute.
Click on the prop 36 admiring one. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=16873132

Jared may consider moving in with use to get away from her and to get a job up here in the new Lowes. I think he should but on the other hand him and his brother are hanging out togethr at AA/NA meetings and really supporting each other. We will see. Peter is counting his chickens before the eggs are hatched. He wanted to start getting Jared's bedroom set up. We have an idea of what to do but Jared can come up here nd help do it since it is for him.

I got a really nice note this am. It said,
" I love you Regina. I want you to be my wife. I want to make love to you. xoxo
Peter :) I love my Aiden too.-"

apology

Apparently I was wrong about Peter reading my blog. I thought it was because someone with the same, internet service provider coming out of the same location looks at my blog and the way this person finds my blog is to type in key words from one the headings of my entries. As i looked closer it is someone out of Sac State

Any ways we are not doing much better. We had another big fight last night about same old same old. I told him that i did not know the reason he doesn't desire sex with me is because of all my relapses. i also told him that all this may be too late because i am no longer sexually attracted to him. i explained that i am still interested in sex just not with him because i have been hurt and rejected for so long. he got all pissed off about that which makes no sense to me because if a person gets to the point that they don't want to make love to their partner why the hell stay together? He also claimed that I never apologized to him before which i have and i remember we were in the car going over the highway 20 bridge and i listed all the things i had done wrong and that i was deeply sorry and that as i get to my 9th step it will be a more complete amends. So last night again i apologized for everything and told him the sad things is that in a year or less he will turn around and say i never said sorry to him. That is the way he is. Selective hearing all the time and another reason that i get so freakin pissed off at him. he only hears what he wants to hear.

I am getting an A still in my class. I had made up my test yesterday and got 95% and the quiz before that 100%. finals next week and then we are done. i am not going to go out and look for a job just yet. i am dong to good in school to give it all up just yet.

hamster wheel

Apparently I was wrong about Peter not telling his family we got engaged. He said he told his kids and parents. I told him that i never heard him say anything to his family at all so I thought he didn't tell.

We got in the car alone on Sat and talked about why i have been so angry and depressed. I asked him if he could get honest and tell me why he doesn't want to have sex with me. He said it isn't so much that he doesn't want sex but that I have screwed him over so many times. Not only a few days ago he got all mad at me for carrying around a resentment against Christina. He said he didn't hold on to resentments. liar the whole reason we don't have sex is because he holds on to resentments. Until he learns to rid of the resentments our sex life will not get any better. i told him we are on our last leg and that I have no faith whatsoever that things will change between us. he can sit there and try to force himself to have sex with me but it will feel forced it will be unpassionate, mechanical and over in a matter of a few minutes. the truth of the matter also is that he is constantly resentful because he doesn't trust me. it is in no way my fault that i keep geting prank voice mails and text messages and he keeps blaming me, keeps thinking i am cheating on him by talking to other guys or whatever else. so he has all these unjustified resentments which is totally unfair to me. i told him i don't want to be with a man that doesn't trust me. a lot apparently has to do with my relapses as well. he said the other day in a fit of anger when i asked him why he won;t make love to me that maybe it was because i can't stay clean. i told him bullshit there is always an excuse. first it was my smoking, so i quit no change, then it was the nicotine gum so i quit that, no change. Previously it was lack of sobriety, i had over a year and during that year we did not have sex 1 time, no change. Then is was calling my ex and I haven't talked to him on the phone for over a year now. I didn't want to kiss him recently. why should he have his needs met when i don't he said not kissing would ruin our relationship and i replied what do you think not having sex has done? i told him we could stay together for now for aiden's sake. i also said i am going back to work because i need to protect myself. i have to have an income because i don't see our relationship getting better. i am not going to move out with out a job. to be honest i am too depressed to even look for a job. i haven't cooked for over a week. i didn't go with him yesterday because i wanted to go back to bed instead of study. i also told him i don't want the fucking cell phone anymore because it has caused more problems in our relationship than what it's worth having. my dads girlfriend new something was wrong when i didn't call my dad back right away and so i told her what was going on. atleast i have her to talk to. she certainly has been there for me in the last few years and i don't know how to show her how much i appreciate it.

Unreasonable bitch that I am

Hope you all had a wonderful turkey day.

Ours was very nice, up until the end that is, when Andrew wanted to spend the night. According to Peter he was having his mother drop him off at Ojiichan's house after their Thanksgiving in Oroville. I said that is fine, until he AND his girlfriend arrived. I wasn't asked if the girlfriend could spend the night on Aiden's birthday and Peter had already told the kids it was okay. I was pissed. So when she showed up I promptly went over to Peter and told him that the girlfriend spending the night is not a part of the deal. So he told the kids that they couldn't spend the night that night. So today rolls around and we were to go pick up Andrew and go Christmas shopping. Peter asked if he was spending the night and the answer was yes so Peter says to his son well can you come alone please I would like to spend some alone time with you. Andrews answer was apparently no and that her parents were going to Tahoe. Not my problem!!! So then Peter say well let me talk it over with Regina. My response did not change. First of all I don't care if they are sleeping in another room. They are both too young, secondly Andrew is not trust worthy and just because he recently started to try and get clean doesn't mean anything to me. He has to earn my trust. The last time he was at our house besides Aiden's bday he ordered porn on our cable with out permission (like we would give it) charged up $30 never apologized never offered to work off the money, he also stole my medication and ended up in the er, times before that he would go out and not come home making us go look for him and report him missing, charnged up porn on other occasion as well, had friends over and took pictures of them smoking pot in our house. Peter says I am being unreasonable. I did not budge no matter if I was crying or he was pissed because I started swearing. He claims that I wasn't compromising. I told him oh fuck that I compromise plenty in this relationship. He asks what would make me happy. Is aid if you respected my feelings. He claims he does. I said well then if you respect my feelings then let's talk about sex so then he blamed me not wanting Andrew to spend the night is because I was trying ot get even. That made me even madder but I told him he was the one that changed the subject and that I am pretty happy with our relationship but when it comes to his son it is the only freakin time we really argue. I told him Andrew is more than welcome to come up here by himself but it is NOT MY FAULT his son is so immature that he won't come up unless he can have a slumber party. I said that right there shows his immaturity and lack of consideration for your feelings. Fuck that. Oh then he tried to say I wasn't allowing his son to come up because I didn't like him. What ever, Petr was just trying to get back at me like an immature 15 year old. Then he brought up how wild I was as a kid and I promptly told him that as an adult it doesn't mean I fucking aprrove of that behavior now. I said I certainly wouldn't let Aiden havea girl spend the night at age 15 and I certainly won't allow him to do wild things just because I did and if that is his reasoning and he wants his son to turn out the way he did then he's sick. That made him really mad. In the end he called up Andrew and told him I wasn't comfortable but that he would still pick him up to shop. Asked him if he would come spend the night any way. NOPE Selfish little brat that he is. Nothing has changed about his behavior I am sorry. I am not about to provide him with the convenient opportunity to have a fuck fest in our house. Peter left and as we promised my dad is bringing Aiden over to be babysat. I refused to go with Petr and here I am at home. Before he left we both apologized. I did not apologize for my feelings however. If I allow it now then I have to allow it again and again and with diffrent girls and blah blah blah No way. I even vented to Harumi last night and I know that she said something to Peter's dad because when he called last night to make sure we got home he asked something about Andrew and Peter had said that he took the kids home and then in that tone of ofcourse not he said NO, DAD! I know it had to do with her and him spending the night. I told my dad what was going on over the phone and told him Peter would be late. He agrees with me, ofcourse he is from a conservative generation. Things might be different of Andrew behaved differently but here is a boy that called me cocksucker, cunt, ugly anorexic bitch and expects me to just roll over to what ever his dad says. Oh I don't think so. Not after he has repeatedly missbehaved. less than a week ago he took Morphine, a hallucinegenic and pissed all over his mothers floor he was so out of it. Yeah and I am the foul mouthed unreasonable bitch in the family. That should have been my costume, oh wait it already was/is.