finals and the trials of potty training and church.

Still studying for finals. Or hardly studying I should say. I started yesterday. I brought my outline, that technically I finished today, to the nail salon and read it while I had a pedicure and had my nails done. I have been getting my nails done for quite some time. A reward I have treated myself to for 1quitting the nicotine gum. By far it is still less expensive to get my nails done. Peter can't say a word because he always used to say I would rather you spent the money on clothes or things for yourself, instead of the gum or on smoking.

Any ways, Aiden is finally almost potty trained. It has been a battle to say the least but he is finally coming around. He most recently purchased trains with his own money, that he earned doing various small chores and for also going pee or poo on the potty. Now that he has done this, he is even more eager to earn and save his quarters. I give him one quarter for a pee in the potty and two for a pooh. The two may seem generous and it is because he has always refused until recently to go in the potty. He always wanted to hide somewhere on the floor and pooh in his pull ups. That is until I showed him how much money he could earn, how much praise he would get and now clean it is to go in the potty instead of his pants. I feel that I have done a good job finally combining the two lessons of potty training and learning to earn, save and some what of the value of spending you r own money. He has this Thomas catalog that he keeps open and every day, several times a day, tells us exactly what he wants to buy, to add to his collection of Thomas the train sets. He has loads of actual trains. two fairly large sets of tracks and only a few buildings. His focus now is more on things like the cranes, factories, etc to make the town of Sodor. Go figure.

Yes I am avoiding studying at the moment. Truthfully, I should have sent Aiden to school today. I thought that is what I was going to do ,but instead, have just let him play around the house. He is perfectly content at the moment just playing by himself. I have only needed to feed him and make sure he goes potty. So far so good. It isn't always like that. A typical day usually consists of several requests for me to play with him or to go to the park, ride bikes or ride his tractor. I almost always do what he wishes, unless I have to get something done in which case I will still try to squeeze it in. I can sit out front and study while he rides his bike, but on most occassions I join him because it is more fun than doing home work. I am still getting A's but the final grade will determine if I just pass each class or if I get an A. I could get a D on the final in reading and still pass. I can get a C on my math final and still get a C in the class, as I sit at a C right now after missing one whole test worth 100 points. It is only because I have gottne A's on every test and homework assignment. I love math and I am shocked.

Oh and I have been a praying fool and we really have gone back to church. It ha been over 30 some years for Peter and about 7 years for me. We have decided on the Church of the Nazarine and we can either drive to the large one up the street or walk across the srteet to the elementary school where they hold church in the multipurpose room. We like the big church much better. On mothers day, Aiden got to sing with a bunch of children his own age in front of the church. It was adorable. We had missed a few days here and there so he never got a chance to learn the words, but boy he sure tried hard to sing and do all of the little moves. Peter was nearly in tears. Then last night we were saying grace at the dinner table and Aiden chimed in with his gratitude list. He thanked the Lord for church last night and if that isn't enough to make us keep going I don't know what is. Peter said he is motivated to go because Aiden enjoys it so much and so what ever it takes I am just grateful my family wans to go. I was raised in a non religious family. We didn't talk about God and I never learned to pray or rely on a power greater than myself. My parents felt they were doing me a favor by letting me choose as an adult what religion, if any to partake in. I know they did that because they thought it best, but I don't want that for my son. I felt lost growing up and I don't want my son to feel the same way. I want him to have faith, a source of comfort (besides his family), knowledge, peace, joy, love and wisdom, just to name a few. I knew nothing and had no example.

Well enough blabbing about me and my family. I better go study before the whole day is wasted.

update - brief

I am still getting prepared for finals. I decided to give myself a few extra days of study and will take the Reading final on Mon. of the following week instead of this coming Friday. I haven't even finished the outline but am close. By the time I get done, typed it will still be over 20 pages. Hear that 20 pages to memorize. Crap. So not next week but the following I will have a reading final on Mon. and my pre algebra on Wednesday. I am more optimistic about my math. I have gotten an A on every test so far.

On Wednesday I took Aiden to the park as promised. Uncle Solar drove up to get a check we wrote to him as a loan of $200. He had to pay some $600 for Seiji's health care because Carol, the $@$##$%$!, wouldn't give him the info off her old insurance which made him pay retroactively for Seiji. That woman, I am telling you is evil. Uncle solar has kept most of the voice mail messages she has left for him, to eventually use against her in a court of law. Totally admissable, because after all she was the one leaving the messages. Any way, I listened to about three or four and trust me, the woman is completely insane. Saying things like take Seiji to the dr, he is sick, when I am sitting thre looking at him and he isn't sick at all, but in the same voice mail demands that Seiji be dropped on at Daycare to spend the day with his peers? Well let me see, if she is under the impression that her kid is sick enough to go to the dr, then why in the hell would she want him going to day care. I know from when I talked to her before she is under the impression that when unclse Solar has Seiji, he shoves Seiji in a room all day by himself while he works. Not the case. On the days he doesn't have Seiji he works 12 and 14 hours s that on the days he does have him, he can take him to the park, or any whre else kids find amusing. I feel so much like letting her know that and to tell her there isn't a judge in the world that would demand that the boy spend time in daycare, instead of his own father. But it isn't my place, or is it? After all, wouldn't it ease her mind to know that her son is being well taken care of and not just abandoned in the home to fend for himself all day? Maybe I am trying to justify little jabs? But she deserves it I swear, to come over my house, try to pump me for information and give me the old sob story of I missed you, he alienated me from the family, can I call you soemtime- to me and I havne't even heard from her since. I wrote a brief email recently asking if she really intended on taking Seiji and moving to Oregon, while uncle Solaris in Austria or is she just trying to get under his skin. As expected she didn't reply, but trust me I know she read it and ten seathed after word. You know we could have stayedfriends but she made it a picking sides thing and was so afraid that i was going to offer infor about her to uncle Solar that she cut all contact and then just expected me to pick up right after where she had left off. Hell no, I felt betrayed and hurt. So I ended the friendship. I am worth more than that crap and too bad she didn't see it that way. Now her only friend is a psycho woman that over medicates on her morpphine patch, vicodine and xanax. She is near death and in the hospital all the time. They both got fired from SMUD, I believe. Which everyone says is a hard thing to do, it's like the State, they can never get rid of poor employee's.

Ok enough mumbo jumbo, I have to drop off a card and candy at Aiden's school for child care provider/ teacher appreciation week and then come home to do homework, while Aiden plays in his pool. I think I will take the laptop outside on the patio so I can work and keep an eyeball on Aiden.

All is good. Hope you all have a great weekend. Caligirl, be brave.....go to the dentist. Ha, easy for me to say, when I actually had ins. I chickened out now I have no insurance and well can't go. May the force be with you.

mortgage woes

The goal is for me to cont. with school. We are getting an appraisal to see where we stand and will sell the expedition if necessary to come up with a down to refinance. We have enough money on a tight budget to cover the increased payment for the first 6 months, but when it goes up again in the next six months we won't. I need to get the house in chape for when the appaiser comes and am dreading that back breaking chore.

sick

I have been sick for over a week now. On or around Thursday last week it turned into a sinus infection. I had amoxicillin at home that dad got from Mexico but it really wasn't working, so I went to urgent care yesterday and got a stronger antibiotic. I still am having a hard time sleeping because of the congestion but energy wise I am feeling a bit better now. Last week at school was the pits. All I wanted to do was come home and go to bed.

Sat we went and spent the day and evening at Ojiichan and Baba's house. I ended up doing tons of math homework there. It was a nice visit and we had some awesome meals. I swear no one can cook like Harumi. Uncle solar was there too with Quin.

He said that auntie Prozac, Carol, is off the hook. She had a police escort on one of the days she was picking up Seiji. She is still threating to take Seiji and move to Oregon while uncle Solar is in Austria for three weeks. I can't figure out why te hell she would want to do that. There are many many days where it is her turn to have Seiji and she will leave him with his dad saying she can't get him because she is too sick or her car won't start or any number of lame excuses. She isn't going to have that luxury in Oergon. I can't picture her mother or father taking up the slack. I sent an email to her asking if she really was leaving or if she was just trying to fuck with Uncle Solar's head. She didn't respond as I guessed she wouldn't. I am almost certain the whole reason she was all nicey nice the day she came to our house to pick up Seiji was to pump me for info about uncle Solar. I am glad I didn't buy into it. I pretty much just listened to her bitch. Oh can I call she says, crying , "I missed you." Yeah right bitch. Poor uncle Solar is really worried that she will do it. I guess even though it is illegal for her to do so, it is really hard to get the kid back. You have to jump through the court system hoops in order to do so. That is exactly what she wants. She wants the legal fee's etc to suck him dry. He also told me the reason he chickened out on that gal rom overseas was because he actually knew more about Carol when they got together and looked what happened. He really didn't know much about this asian gal and didn't want to make the same mistake. Whew, maybe all my questions about her sunk in. That was close.

mortgage.

I don't feel like going into detail but suffice it to say, our mortgage is going up by over $700 a month, because of the adjustable mortgage rate type loan and will be increased again in 6 months if we don't refinance. We owe more than it is worth between the original loan and that stupid equity loan he took out. My dad had offered to help out, but a down payment would be more than what he offered to help with. So, unless the market improves we are up the creek. I discussed getting rid of that Dodge again last night and although he really does not want to, he will sell it so that I can cont. going to school. It just makes more sense that I cont. with school than to go back to work in Sac.

email sent to a friend giving update

Oh gosh I caught a bad cold and forgot all about updating you. I am sorry. He is much better and the swelling has gone down significantly. I just hope he doesn't end up with scars now. It really looked worse initially than what it actually was because of the bleeding and swelling.

On Monday I didn't have Buzz and Aiden together too much. When I did eventually let Buzz in, Aiden stayed pretty far away on his own accord. He didn't run from Buzz, but he didn't run up and give him love like he usually does. It has been that way since. I think my son learned a huge lesson of respect for the dog. He did rough house once with Buzz and I reminded him that he can't kick the dog or pull the dogs leg just because he is mad at him or Buzzie will bite him. I think we are going to keep Buzz and once our mortgage crap is all sorted out, I am thinking about dog training. We need to nip the food aggression in the bud. I have been a lot harder with Aiden and how he interacts with the dog since. I realize I can't blame the dog for doing what dogs do in their packs. So I am almost better off training Aiden about safety and dogs. We have told him over and over not to hit the dog and not to touch or go ne ar Buzzie while he is eating. For the most part Aiden won't but since Buzzie was eating his food, I think it was natural instinct for Aiden to want to stop him. So we have spent the last couple of days going over the do's and don'ts. Any time food or snacks are out now, the dog goes outside too. I am not risking it any more. You probably think I am nuts to keep the dog and maybe I am, but I wouldn't feel good if I didn't give him one more chance. Buzz has a new found respect for Peter now, since Peter beat the crap out of the dog right after it happened. Before then, Buzzie never listened to Peter, but he sure as heck does now. I myself am torn between training by positive reinforcement and negative consequences. Even when we were house training him, I couldn't just let his peeing on the floor go with out a scolding and a swat, but ofcourse I gave lots of praise when he did go outside. I tried initially to house break with only positive reinforcement and it wasn't working. As soon as I started swatting him and holding him by the scruff of his neck while telling him NO POTTY he stopped peeing and pooping on the floor. He is a very strong willed, stubborn dog. Any ways enough rambling. No worries aobut Aiden he is fine.

naked snuggling

Aiden got bit by our dog. documented here. He is doing much better today and has had minimal contact with our dog. Our dog has been really timid since the incident yesterday. I think Peter hitting him real good made an impact. Peter has never reprimanded our dog, ever, until yesterday. I am not certain if I believe soley on positive reinforcement training or a little of both. Either way if we keep the dog, we most likely need to consult a trainer.

It turned out to be a quiet weekend. Dad and Monti came over our house after the game and stayed a while. Uncle Solar never came up because he didn't want to sit around the house. Peter suggested all of us going to a movie but I guess he wasn't interested. It was just us on Sunday. Since Aiden went to bed early and slept the whole night thru I took the opportunity to put on a teddy and initiate play time. We "played" and it was nice. Not earth shattering, but nice. Lots of naked snuggling in candle light and I suppose that is what our relationship lacked most was the non-sexual physical intimacy. He called me and thanked me today which was nice. See he is making an effort and I certainly appreciate it because I have been making a huge effort to make him happy too.

I think I will call her Auntie Xanax now

Uncle Solar is probably bringing Seiji up tomorrow. Peter called and asked him if he could make it up Sat and not Sunday. Auntie prozac is being a witch again. Uncle Solar has to go to Austria for three weeks for work. Miss anxiety med addict is threating to take Seiji out of state for good, so he is all freaked out. When she had mentioned to me in our kitchen, that there is nothing for her now in Sacto., and that she felt like moving, I reminded her that she shares custody and how sad it would be for Seiji to be away from his father and family. She said oh yeah it would be sad but I know damn well she doesn't give a shit and some how thinks that having full custody of Seiji would be better for him. This is coming from a woman who got fired from her work because she always called in sick from her depression. This is a woman who admitted to me just weeks ago that on weekends she does not have Seiji she sleeps the entire weekend. This is a woman who is on disability, yet clams she is the sole provider for him. This is a woman who takes her son to full time daycare 5 days a week, even though she is at home all day now. This is a woman who I have witnessed not being able to get out of bed and making it so uncle Solar has to take care of their son all by himself on weekends. Ohh that woman makes us all so mad. I think she purposely does stuff just to piss uncle Solar off because she has no life.

Insurance scam

I did a insurance quote thing online the other day. Before I even finished, an insurance agent called and we scheduled an appt. I got tired of waiting for our broker to do his job. She was with Mega health and life and the NASE, National Assoc for the self-employed. We thought it was a good deal. She wrote all the stuff out on paper instead of going over the actual policy. Clue number one, I failed to head. It appeared, based on her discription, to be a good plan for all of us. We could tailor it to fit our needs. After she left , I looked at the actual policy and for every service it says things like, will pay 70% up to and then they put a tiny cap on it. For example, they will pay for an ambulance 70% up to $250. Well Peter and I know damn well that a short stint to the hospital is over a thousand dollars. So, long story short, I am having Peter do a stop pay on the checks and I called her this am and told her to withdraw our application and mail the checks back. Okay I know what you are thinking and yes I learned my lesson.

I have a shit load of homework and I don't feel like doing it today. We bought Aiden a new blow up pool with a slide for this summer's hot weathe and he is dying to try it out. It probably will get warm enough today. I should have had that lady last niht blow it up. Her hot air would have had it up in no time.

School, insurance and work ramblings

Since my reading teacher takes the higher two of the three finals, she knocked off my 1st mock final grade when filling out grade sheets. I am getting 98% in the class. Here is hoping I do much better on the next 2 finals. One of which is on Thursday but we can reference the reading material and it is not an essay. We are only required to write a thesis statement and a summary of the major details. It sounds a lot easier than it is, but I did well on the last assign., so I am hopeful.

I filled out one of those online insurance quotes and received a call from an insurance agent, before I was even done looking. She is going to come out tomorrow. I want to find out what can be done for us directly with an insurance co., as opposed to dealing with our broker. Our broker is nice and all but I believe he is too busy to be of the best service to us. She will come tomorrow after Peter gets home from work.

Peter and Aiden's insurance didn't get cancelled by the way. Our checks are in the mail, no really, the are.

Still not certain if I need to go back to work. I need to determine exactly how much our mortgage payment is going up per mo. and whether or not we can afford it on Peter's salary alone. If not, then I had better start looking now. And that makes me sad. I want to finish college. It seems like I always start something and then never finish it. Peter was relying on being able to afford it, after his boss comes through and gives him a pay increase. We all know that he can not rely on his boss. Even if his boss said, Peter you are getting a raise and it will be on the next check, that in all reality he wouldn't see it on his check until 6 months later. His ass-hole boss is that way. He is in Bali or the next three weeks anyway. Must be nice.

Oh and I forgot to mention I got a $500 check for financial aid which will go toward this months insurance payment for Peter and Aiden. That is if Nationwide reinstates.

Going back to work.

I haven't held a full time permanent job since 2001/2002 or so. I have made attempts here and there in 2002 or 2003 to temp. as an examier but nothing for more than a few months at a time. When I got pregnant then I just gave up working entirely. The goal was to raise our son at home.

Now with the possibility of not obtaining health insurance for myself, I may have to go back to work for the benefits. Peter and Aiden had/have health ins. through Nationwide. Since he hadn't heard from Blue Sheild and they had a deposit check, he went ahead and stopped th automatic deduction for our acct for Nationwide. That was last weekend. Now this weekend he got a mile long denial list from Blue Sheild. Needless to say we freaked. I contacted our broker office ver the weekend and today, so she is going to see if we can get it reinstated with out having to go through the application process. A lot has transpired with Peter's health since he applied with them and based on his current need for blood pressure meds, they would most likely deny him too. If that be the case I will definately have to go back to work. Peter's boss will not provide health insurance.

I know it wouldn't be entirely impossible to hold a job, have a family and go to school but I did not want so much on my plate. I would never see Aiden and I wouldn't do that. So I have been praying. I don't know if I should just buckle up and work to relieve some of Peter's stress and to get bene's for all of us or if I should try to perservere through school. They do have an ROP program in town. You have to go through their CNA prerequ. courses, medical terminology and physiology and anatomy,before you can take the LVN class. They have a few other prereques. as well but the schooling s mostly at night. I know that I can't hold a full time job and do that and take care of my family. It is too much.

Neither Peter nor myself want for me to have to drive to Sac.for work, so at best I imagine I could get a $10 hr receptionist job, in fact there was one listed on the net yesterday where Peter and Aiden go to their dr.'s. It was an 8-5pm job m-f and included bene's. It is just the registration and co-payment office where you sign in before going to your dr. The trouble is that I need Peter to get out some of my old paper work so I can see where I used to work and when. I worked at so many different insurance companies that I can't remember who I worked for and when. Either way I am not available to work until after my last final May 23, 2007. God please help me I don't know what to do?

He turned himself in last night.

So we are going to the park today. Yippie. Oh and Aiden's first game is this weekend, not last weekend, like I thought. I will be surprised if he pays attention the whole time. He has no interest in practicing ball at home. Except for leaving his glove off and sitting on the ground to throw the ball back and forth. It is hard because I can't make him leave his glove on or stand up. Gah!

Here is the real story on the suspect.

http://www.kcra.com/news/12498657/detail.html

There were two helicopters flying over the elementary school and vicinity right by our house, all afternoon.

I have not heard word if they caught the bastard.

Finally he returned the call.

Guess I forgot to post that Uncle Solar got cold feet, so the girl never came. Still a call would have been nice. Peter said Uncle Solar was on the pitty pot, so he told him that he had better be grateful for what he has.

Virginia-Tech copy cat threat

Yeah we had a copy cat threat this am at Yuba College. It was not voted by Yuba College to have a campus wide evacuation, but when our math teacher got word that the alleged threat was to happen at our college, he said we could go. There were also concerns that he could go into any of the schools or daycares, so as I was picking Aiden up, so were many other parents. By the time I got to my son's school, the staff had already heard about the threat, but were not able to get a hold of local authorities to see what they should do. Aiden did tell me that the teachers told the children not to go outside. I was going to drive home my usual route but the sherrif's dept had the road blocked with the their cars. So I hurried on home in the other direction. I overheard one parent telling the preschool director that the crazy man lived on our side of town (Yuba city). The notice from the Sherriff dept. that was posted all over campus included the picture of the man and it said that this guy is armed, dangerous, wants to die by cop suicide and that he planned to do this at Yuba College,that he would put the Virginia Tech massacre to shame. He has supposedly been on drugs for several days. I also over heard that he is homeless which is making it difficult for the Sherrif dept to locate him. The source of that info was from the wife of a man who works for the fire dept. So we are at home eating lunch and will take an early nap.

Sometimes our world bites green donkey dongs.

I hear hellicopters from a distance.

wind

It is so windy today I think the house is going to blow down.

WTF?

Just as I expected, I got an F on my mock final and an A on my math test. I am not certain if it was at all a learning experience or if it is a set up for future fuck ups. Either way I expected it and am not happy with it. I will try harder next time. Although I have another writing assignment due on Th and I don't even want to start and tomorrow I move Auntie Marie's stuff out of storage and that will take all day. I have a get one free late assignment in my class so I may use it this time around.

No word yet from uncle solar either. It says his work cell number was disconnected and he is not answering his home phone. There is no recorder for his cell phone. Peter has tried calling for the 4th day. I have sent an email and he has not responded either. Now we are worried. I told him to call his folks to see if he gave them a new work number. It is pretty odd for him to not return a call after this long.

Oh and we didn't hear squat for Uncle Solar this weekend. He said he would probably come up, but I thought Maria was coming so he probably changed his mind. Peter called him on Sat and left a message but he never called back. RUDE. And he complains about auntie prozac doing that to him.

winch, financial shit

They were together exactly one month and she broke up with Jared again. Poor kid. I knew it was going to happen. So now he is all down in the dumps again. Man he just needs to get over her. I am sure that is what people thought about me and my ex. Damn.

Ah and yesterday Peter says to me what do you think about getting married. I said great except that I would lose my tuition assist.

The shit it hitting the fan about our finances too. I told Peter a long time ago not to get an equity loan right after he got the house but he did it any way and bought that expedition. So now we have a huge loan to pay off and the mortgage rate on our loan is going up if we don't refinance. Well the market dropped and the house values went down. Now you guessed it. We owe more than it is worth so no one can help us refinance. We can put some money down to get a little bit better loan but have squat in savings because of those friggin credit cards. So I said sell the expedition and we will have money for the down on a new loan. He won't do it. His idea is that if something should ever happen to him, I will atleast have a new car to drive. I said get rid of the new dodge then. The car payment and insurance payment would cover the extra interest. He just keeps telling me he will work it out but doesn't come up with any new ideas. he keeps calling his mortgage broker guy who says over and over that he can't help. WTF? I told him I didn't want to wait til the last minute. hell I would go back to work to save the house. He won't have me driving to Sac. for a job though and that is where all the workers comp. jobs are. So needless to say I am stressed out.

To top it all off he cancelled his insurance payment for him and Aiden's health ins because the new co still has our deposit ($500.00). He put a stop on the automatic withdrawal that was supposed to come out yesterday. Blue Sheild never gave an acceptance or a denial for Peter and Aiden so he may not have insurance effective today for all I know. Not having medical insurance freaks me out. I have been with out now for what, 4 months? I need to get a mammogram done. Grrr.

This is the closest I can get to Yuba City

http://www.anythingweather.com/current.aspx?id=12429

It may rain Aiden's ball game out tomorrow.

Sacto webcam

Caligirl, does this make you want to come home? or atleast visit?
http://www.kcra.com/wxcam/1471817/detail.html

tests, Forgiveness

I am pretty certain I got a D or an F on my Mock final and an A on my math test. I used to suck at math. It isn't that I am not good a reading, I am bad at retention. I studied for the mock final. I focused on the big picture instead of the details with in each of the groups. Ofcourse, the assignment was to write about the details on one group and it was a group that I did not remember. We were to come up with 3 to 5 examples. I thought I cam up with 3 but after I left and looked at the book two ideas I discussed were part of the same example. So I only came up with 2 and that is either a d or an f by itself, not to mention how horribly written it was. I was at a loss for words really. The topic was boring anyway, The problems and cultural differences in dealing with international business. We were to write about the importance of work and 3 to 5 examples of the differences. After I looked I felt really stupid for not remembering. I was the first one to get up and leave. I didn't want to sit there anymore staring at my paper or the wall. It just wasn't doing any good.

On a different subject matter, I have been reading, "Get Out of That Pit", by Beth Moore, "Straight Talk about God's Deliverence" I have never been a spiritual or religious guru. I have been interested in becoming more spiritual, closer to God and to rely more on God (faith). One of the ways she explains for us to get out of the pit, is to forgive those who did us wrong. You all know my ex shit on me again and again. I have been carrying him around with me, where ever I go, because of this resentment and that is the last thing I want to do. "when I began to see my grudge against people who hurt me only strengthened the grip of my bondage to them."So I have not gotten out of the section yet that explains how to forgive. From what I gathered is that I have to be willing to forgive and God will do the rest. "Forgiveness is not about feeling. It's about willing." "In the power of Jesus, first you will it and soon you'll feel it." Well I listed in my head the wrongs he did and then asked God for willingness to forgive." Not an easy feat. Yesterday I thought about him and I didn't have that tinge of ander attached to it. That was a first. In fact I really didn't feel anything. Today on the other hand, I thought about how this drop dead gorgeous girl came to stay with us right after we married. his brotehr arranged for it because she was touring the world. Well he bent overbackwards to impress this girl. We went up to our time share in Tahoe and he paid for her room (shared with us and separated into two room), meals and show. I was not drinking, he knew I was an alcoholic but went off with that tramp, leaving me bymyself and had a drink with her because he didn't ant her to feel like she was drinking alone. What? What about not drinking with me in support of me? So after that thought I got all pissed off at him again. I have these thoughts weekly and I am so sick and tired of having him tied to me constantly. I want to be done with him for good. I know I am better off with out him and all I ever wanted was for him to acknowledge his wrong doings but he never would. He always insisted that he wasn't a liar and that he did nothing wrong. I confronted him about his behavior with that girl and told him I was jealous. He slammed me up against the wall and told me married couples don't get jealous that there was something wrong with me. I drove to my dads house that night pissed off and went there to drink. Many years later he told me she gave him head that night. I don't know if he said that to piss me off or if it was true. For years he claimed to have never cheated on me. Oh I pray to God for the willingness to forgive him. Forgivenss does not mean that what he did was right, it means that I am giving God the solitary right to vengeance. I also know from somewhere in the bible it says that in order to be forgiven we must forgive and I want forgiveness for my sins. I also want to forgive myself and that I think is the hardest thing to do of all.
Anyway, I love this book. I also want to get the Secret. I think that is what it's called. I do a little bit of what it talks about by seeing myself as a graduate, as a nurse, as a good mother, as clean and sober. as a good wife, etc.

Get this

Uncle Solar has been talking to me a lot lately. In fact, I was the first and I really think, the only one he told about the mail order bride. He said he would talk to Baba around Easter, but since his final verdict to either get married or pass her on by, is still up in the air, I don't think he did. her name is Jean by the way and I saw a picture. She really is pretty and appears to have hair all the way down to her butt.

Any ways, I never would have thought any one would admire me and Peter's relationship, but apparently Uncle Solar does. He said in an email that he respects and admires what Peter and I have. He wants the same sort of relationship, a stay at home mom/wife. He even knows about our probs with sex but admires the fact that we haven't given up on each other.

Uncle Solar asked me to spend time with Jean to get a second opinion about her. I guess this woman claims that she wants to be a SAHM to HIS children. He told her, he does not want any more kids due to his age and the financial cost of having another child. I am going to hit her hard with those questions. I will ask her if she really has contemplated not having any children of her own. She is only 27. I don't know if her being so desperate to get out of poverty is influencing this decision. Perhaps she can't have kids, I don't know. All I know is that she is a devout Catholic and devout Catholics don't use birth control. She told Uncle Solar that when she arrives in America the first thing she wanted to do is go to church to thank God. I thought that was sweet. Uncle Solar said he is not a big fan of organized religion, so I wonder if they will clash in that area. I know Uncle Solar is the type that if he wantssomething so badly he will over look issues that later will become a huge problem. He did that with Carol and now look what he has gotten himself into.

6 months clean and sober

I had 6 months on the 6th.

Whole latta news

Aiden started T-ball on Monday, we went to church on Easter at the Yuba City Church of the Nazarene, Aiden loved it, Uncle Solar is getting a mail order bride and she flew in from the Filippine's yesterday, I have a moch final and a math test tomorrow and I haven't studied yet. I think that sums it all up. Oh and I read in the paper yesterday that my ex aa sponser got a dui on Easter Sunday. I haven' talked to her yet. She hasn't logged into myspace since that day. I am hoping they already released her from Jail. Usually it is only an over night stay at the county jail, but who knows Yuba County may be different than Sac. Wow, my insurance finally went down after 7 years, because of an old dui. Oh shit and I got denied by blue shield for health insurance because of my arthritis. Fuckers.

vomitting, Auntie Prozac, reading

Lesson learned this Sunday: Always check on Thursday to see how much reading/homework I actually have to do before I decide to put it off. I started my reading late Sun. It is about a 20 to 30 page (large pages) article on the Cultural Environments Facing Business. I am to read it and outline it, then study it for the upcoming mock final. Shit I started late.

Aiden began projectile vomiting Sat early am. He did not stop until late that eve. We did atleast 5 loads of wash through out the day because he would sometimes not get to the bowl in time, and well, you know spray the blankets and pillows and clothing with splashes of the contents of his tummy. He would get so thirsty, ask to drink luiquids, inevitably drink too much an then vomit it all back up. Poor little guy. To top it off we get a call from Uncle Solar saying he can't get a hold of Carol, that he needed to bring Seiji up because he had a flight to catch Sunday am for his job. We told him Aiden was terribly sick but he had no other choice I guess. What ever. So finally they arrived after midnight. WTF? Peter had to wait up for them and I thought that was terribly inconsiderate. He had even brought Quin too but took him back to Sacto. evidently because he was gone when I woke up.

So, Carol finally called Peter back around 11 am. and said she would come pick Seiji up. She didn't show until 3:00 pm. She came in, took a tour, and chatted for a while. Nothing much has changed about her. Her conversation was mostly consumed with griping about Uncle Solar for this or that and the fact that she is suing her ex-employer for discrimination. She apparently has a genetic medical condition that affects her immune system. Having to do with components missing from her blood. She said something about receiving 70% of her salary for the rest of her life. Although I have no idea who is footing that bill. Once a month she goes to the Cancer Center to get the missing components of blood put into her system from donated blood because that is the only place that does it. Did that make sense? It takes 4 hours and cause fatigue and dizziness. She says this disorder is the reason she is so tired all the time and the reason she apparently takes so long to heal from bruises, injuries or surgeries. She expressed the desire to see each other again and to get together once in a while. I didn't say no, but when she left, I just felt like that is not going to be a good idea. I am going to have to put up major boundaries if Iwas to ever go there again. She asked if she could call me to which I had replied yes. Upon leaving she gave me a hug and said she missed me terribly and started crying. I have missed our friendship, but I have not missed the negativity, nor have I missed the...I am at a loss for words to describe this. Um, the lack of follow thru, the lack of showing up, the lack of returning phone calls. I haven't missed any of that. I was wore out before she even left at the amount of info and complaints she was willing to discuss about Seiji's father. Eh, hem, stuck in the middle again. Besides we were told by uncle Solar, that she told him, that she didn't want Seiji staying at a meth addict's and alcoholic's house. I am sure this was a pay back to a letter he wrote her about not wanting Seiji to be watched by her pill addicted friend/coworker. Still to say that and then come into our home and act like a victim? Nerve. Here is a woman who, in my eyes, does not wish to take responsibilty for her own circumstances and mental state. Sure she has depression. It is what she does to ensure she stays in that constant state, so she can continue playing the victim that gets my feathers ruffled. I know because I used to be the same way. Sometimes I teter back on that fence again but it isn't cnfortable there any more so I don't stay there for very long. Thank God.

Enough said.

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I write here any more. They say writing is therapeutic but then I look at my life in black and white and I get to actually see how boring my life really is.

With that said I got an A on my second math test. I will find out tomorrow what I got on the first draft of my second essay. I was also informed that a second financial aid check is due out in April some time. I am so curious to see how much it is. Ofcourse I hand em straight over to Peter but still I feel a sense of accomplishment.

Peter and Aiden are having a contest at night to see who can keep me awake the longest by having coughing fits. I set Peter up last night on the couch in a semi upright/recline postion with the vaporizer going. He didn't cough as bad. Right before he fell asleep he said he was so freakin miseable and exhausted that he could cry and as he said it I could hear his voice cracking like he was crying. I felt so bad. He is still tired today but did manage a little sleep. He said it was hard to sleep sitting up because it was uncomfortable but he knew if he layed down he would just cough. He should have gone to the dr to get codeine. I took Aiden to the dr expecting him to rx cough syrup with codeine but instead he sent me home with samples of singulair. It didn't do either of them much good. Iguess Aiden coughed a little less but not much.

My dad is becoming an old softy. He was never one to show sadness an nevr cried except when mom died. Well he was talking about a country wesetern song about a man talking to his boy and asking him where he learned a 4 letter word and the boy said from you dad. Then he saw his boy praying and asked him where he learned hat and he said from you dad. So any way my dad got all choked up over it ad wanted to buy the CD for Peter. Aww I thought that was so sweet.

We had planned to go to the Jelly Belly Factory on Fri. but didn't because Peter got sick. So much for doing something on my spring break. Ah I shouldn't complain. It was still nice having Peter around for a long weekend. I do appreciate his company even though I sure bitch about him a lot.

My dad is coming over today to watch Aiden because I need to do an essay and I waited to the last minute. Ahhhh I won't be doing that again. I thought i had til Thurs but it is due tomorrow. Crap.

Auntie Maria

Divine intervention

Chris, Peter's ex-wife, took Maria to check out a clean and sober transitional house that is right by the psychiatric/chemical dependancy treatment facility that she was going to daily. Her social worker found this property and the lady who owns it approved Maria and her dog to live there. It is $700 or $750 a month and includes, water, sewer garbage and food. The front and back yards are fenced in. There isn't any one living there yet. Maria is moving in today. I asked Chris if she could take Maria and her Dog back to the house today and if she could write a check to the landlord for the pro -rated portion left for this month which came to $270. Chris said she could so I don't have to worry about a 2 hr drive there and a 2 hr drive back home. When she called on the ay back from looking at the new rental Maria's neighbor across the street from Cindy's said the authorites were there and had escorted Cindy out of the home and were changing the locks. The neighbor said if she needed to get her clothes and he dog out she had better get there soon. So Chris arrived just in time to get Maria's clothes and dog. The new rental has a bed and I believe is completely furnished. I am wondering though if it has pots and pans and the like. I know it has a washer and dryer but she may have to furnish her own laundry detergent. Well that can be handled later and so can getting the rest of hr things out of storage Chris was stopping by storage so Mari could get her other clothes and personal necessities for the time being.

The whole thing worked out well as far as I am concerned at it appeared to have happened not by chance but by divine intervention. I prayed out loud on the way home yesterday. I asked God to help guide us and help Maria find a place to live with her dog. We also prayed for her at the dinner table and I know that her dad, Chris and other family members have been praying for Maria. Wow talk about powerful.

No enabling here.

As it turns out Maria is having Chris help her today. I am glad because Chris knows a lot of people down there from family to church so she knows of atleast one woman that needs a room mate and she is also taking her to see the transitional home in South Sac today. Chris is a lot more compasionate towards Maria than I am. I know it is because she is new to dealing with Maria and her problems and she is very Christian like. I on the other hand don't buy into all of her bullshit. To enable her and coddle her is to kill her. Chris is a huge enabler both to her kids and other addicts/alcoholics. Afterall she put up with Peter shooting dope, spending all their money on doing dope and him fucking any thing that walked behind her back for 15 years. She says she did it for the kids. Actually Jared was the only kid and while her and Peter were separated they did nasty and she got pregnant with Andrew. 6 months after Andrew was born she met her current husband and tey have been together ever since. I bet she got together with him out of necessity too. A single mom with two kids having to raise them alone because the dad is off being stupid. She finally stopped letting Peter see the kids because it wasn't safe any more. So it takes her a while to finally say enough. I don't pretend to understand what Maria is going through and I don't show a whole lot of sympathy because she got herself into this mess. She is NOT a victim like she likes to think of herself. The sooner she starts taking resposibility for the things that happen to her the sooner shewill get better. I am good at though love and I think that is why I am a good parent and why I will make a good nurse. I can detach but still have a good bedside manner.

Denial is not a river in Egypt

Peter's sister has known for about a month that the woman she lives with and rents a room from, was having her home foreclosed and that they were going to be evicted. She didn't save money to move. Didn't start looking and I mean really looking to move til the end of last week. I found out yesterday that the day they are supposed to be out is Tues. I had already offered assistance to Maria to pack and move her things or to come over to use our computer to look for a place. Well she said she kept being tlod by Cindy that those notices weren't legal and that they weren't getting evicted. She should never listen to that insane woman. She is a paranoid schizophrenic, bipolar with dual personalities. For real. Cindy has not packed one thing and while I dropped Maria back off at her house , Cindy's aunt came over to talk. Cindy wouldn't come out of her room so the aunt talked to us and we found out that Cindy took out an equity loan on a house that was completely paid for and inherited by her. She was not making payments on the equity loan and the aunt didn't know it. She could have helped Cindy but Cindy would not return her calls etc. The aunst said she went off her medication. Yeah she thinks that a woman sherriff comes over her house and sits in her garage to spy on her. This house had no lights. It had not been cleaned in any way for 20 years. There were 2 dogs and 4 cats living in the home and smelled like a piss and shit infested puss sore. The inside of the home was staked with piles of clutter all over and it was a maze to get from room to room. There big globs of dirt, grime, thick black, red and brown stains on the carpet and walls. Holes in most walls and doors. The bathroom had a toilet and shower but the sink and vanity was gone. Just a mirror was left on the wall. The inside of the house looked like the bacteria one could see on a slide under a microscope. His sister has always been suicidal but she chose to live there becaus of the dog. I told her any one lving in that environment would be suicidal. The only way Peter or Uncle Solar would let her stay for a temporary time was with out this pit bull like dog. She will not put him down so she is waiting til tomorrow to see if the cops come at 6 am to kick them out and change the locks. We did go and get a storage unit for her today, using the majority of the $200 she had left for the rest of the month. Where her fucking money goes I will never know. We believe she just expects her family to foot her bills all the time. Typically Ojiichan has. He is enabling her ight into the grave. We, as in me, Peter's ex wife and Maria, loaded three truck loads into her storage. Then we went to lunch and chatted for a while. Any ways tonight Maria says she remembers this clean and sober place in South Sac. (gang city, hell hole, shit town, roach infested, crime oozing, gun shots flying part of town) that would take her and her dog. So that is probably where I am taking her tomorrow. She is all upset, feeling like she is forced to put her dog down but we have been telling her for years to move out of that shit hole. I feel bad for her on one hand and mad at her on the other. I was not very sympathetic. I did tell her that lack of planning on her part does not constitute an emergency on our part. I also told her that I have to support Peter in his decisions as I agree with him. I do not want that dog around my family but she is welcome to stay with us TEMPORARILY. She doesn't ant to live all the way up here. She says there is nothing up here for her. What the fuck. There is nothing down there for her. Same with Unclse Solar. He offered her to tay temporarily but with out the dog. She said she didn't want to live with him because he is telling her she has to have a plan and to keep moving toward that plan. Then she will start crying and say but I don't have a plan. I said Maria, he is just asking you to have a plan like go get a job, looking for a permanent home, etc etc. Those are not too hard of rules. But I think she just wants an excuse to fuck off and stay miserable, poor me, provide for me because I have a mental illness and can't function without this damn dog and this depression. I told Peter part of me wants to say fine let her fall flat on hr face. Maybe that will be her bottom and make her willing to change but there is always that fear of her committing suicide. Peter found her one time hanging from the rafters in their garage when they lived together many many years ago. They both were shooting dope. As far as I know she has been clean and sober for a few months now but who knows after tomorrow.

Liar, Liar pants on Fire.

Yesterday we went to Ojiichan's to celebrate Baba's birthday. It was on the 15th and Andrew's was on the 13th. He only got Andrew a card last weekend with a $40.00 check. Then over the weekend he gave him new pair of shoes. I felt bad because here I get this big beautiful necklace that cost more than both of Andrew's put together. But it is Andrew's fault. He either loses, get's it lost or stolen or loans his things out and never gets them back. Which actually was brought up yesterday. Peter asked if Andrew still had his Ipod, the one Heather bought him for Christmas and he said no his cousin Josh stole it. I said I knew it because his cousin Nicki wrote on Andrews Myspace, "Josh thanks you for the Ipod." So any way Peter say where is the guitar I bought you. He claimed it was at home. I said oh the brown one and he said no he had loaned the brown one out to a guy he didn't even know and the guy never gave it back. Andrew doesn't know where he lives or his number. So Peter wasn't happy about that even though he didn't pay for the brown one. So I said oh then it was the blue one that your dad bought. At that Point Heather had already asked which one Peter bought and I knew something was fishy about it. So he claims that the blue one which Cost $400 is at home. Any way they were supposed to come up today, Heather and Andrew that is and we get a call from Heather not even Andrew saying she feels like shit and won't be driving up. She did look and sound bad yesterday due to allergies. But we get a call later from Christine Peter's ex wife and she says that Andrew never came home last night and him and Heather and Dan came strolling in around noon and they all crashed asleep in Andrews room which by the way he shares with Jared now. She said the room was tore up and she was mad. So Peter asks her where the blue guitar is and she said her and Ken (current hubby) asked him the same thing not to long ago and Andrew told them it was at our house. So then Peter was really pissed off told her to confront Andrew about it because he is a lying little shit. We don't know how the confrontation went yet.

No she is not pregnant. Thank God

Oh and I forgot

Miss Christina called Peter last night to tell him that she called Jared last night and asked if he would get back together with her. He has made huge strides as of late. He got his driver's licence back, he goes to NA and AA meetings all the time, he works full time now at Lowes and he started dance lessons. I guess he has been paying his bills and is back on track. Christina was impressed with this I guess and wants to get back together again. I really am expecting her to hurt him again, but I pray that when it does happen that Jared is a stonger man. Maybe it is mean spirited to think negatively about her still but I just don't see them staying together.

Is a huge fear coming to life?

I have always feared that Peter's older boys would get their girlfriend's pregnant at too early of an age and that Peter and I would get stuck footing the bill on the grandchild. I don't see the step dad jumping in as they always complain of never having money. Even though Peter is still paying child support on both boys. Even though the oldest is in his 20's Peter agreed to pay his until Andrew turned 18 as part of making up for past child support due.

Anyways I was looking at Andrew's girlfriends blog. And her newest blog post says, "I think I am pregnant and I don't know what to do." So I sent an email saying Please tell me you aren't pregnant. I called Peter and told him and advised him to not call Chris, his ex, or Andrew right away. I said let's give Heather a chance to respond first before we freak out. Oh boy, if she isn't pregnant, that girl and me are gonna have one long talk. Well I am gonna do some talking any way. She may tell me to fuckoff but I don't care. I have never been one to care if I am the kids best friend or not. I tell it like it is and if they hate me then so be it. I am not afraid of them. Heather likes to sound tough and bitchy but underneath she is an insecure, kind, scared and caring soul. I suppose that is why I have taken a liking to her. She reminds me of me when I was younger.

I am not caring about my anonymity much any more these days. So I thought I would add the link of the Newspaper photo-journal story of Peter and his sobriety. I still am very proud of him. Bad housewife that I am, I still need to get the full story and picture framed.

Pooped

I am pretty certain I got an A on my test today. After class I came home, ate lunch and took a nap. Iswear the older I get (premenopausal) the worse my periods are. I am going on the pill again that is all there is too it. I am so friggin tired.

After I picked up Aiden I forced myself to go outside to water plants and take a walk. Now I am pooped so we are having pot pies for dinner.

Leter to my frigid self centered dick head man

I wasn't mad at you I suppose but irritated I guess. It isn't exactly comfortable hearinf you ask your EX love's daughter questions about your EX love. I still think part of the reason YOU have problems with sex is because of that fucking bitch. You aren't over her or some shit like that. I feel like I get get hung from a rope that was intended for some one else.

I am sick and tired of a fucking non existant sex life Peter. Ain't nothing new. Been bitching for 5 years ain't like you are going to do a damn thing about it. You would rather just see me leave than take some action to change or do something for some one else (me) instead of yourself for a change. Do you think I give you head because I like it? No I do it FOR you. But no you are so self centered you can't be bothered.

Mr. Eccentric himself

Yesterday was Andrew's 16th birthday. I wished him a happy sweet 16th birthday on the phone and told him that I hoped all his birthday wishes came true. Asked if he felt older nd he said, yes, now aI can get a job. He sounded thrilled at the prospect so I wished him luck in his efforts. With his appearance, he is going to need it. You know, the face pearcings and the mohawk takes a special place to be hiring some one that looks like that. Thank heavens he is a good looking kid. Any way, the real shocker is he said, I love you to me before we got off the phone. he has never initiated an I love you to me. He has said I love you too, after I said it, but never first. I told his dad and his dad said, "wow, he must be feeling good."

Birthday party

Peter had a little birthday party for me yeseterday, held at his parents house. My dad, who is back from Mexico, came with Monti. Baba's daughter and her two sons came, both Jared and Andrew along with Andrew's girlfriend and even Quin. Although Quin's daddy was out of state for work. I guess he is coming over today though.

Peter ad I both wish he wasn't today as we need the rest and privacy but uncle Solar likes coming up I guess and hanging out with us. I personally think that because he misses having a woman around, that he likes coming here, because I wait on him while he and Peter sit on the couch and vegetate in front of the tv. Although, Peter is putting him to work today, helping clean out the fish tank. It is too bad that my ex sponser had relapsed. I think I would have hooked the two of them up. But then again, she wouldn't have had her foster son taken away. It would almost be perfect though. She has no children of her own but wants them. I just don't think they she would be up for being a house wife/stay at home mom like uncle Solar would prefer. She is a big wig analyst for the state. He does like his women smart though. I will wait a while before I mention it to him or her or maybe not. I don't even know what his or her type is other than he likes his women smart.

I made out like a fat rat yesterday. I got a $100 gift card for Gottschalk's and $100 check (the usual) from my dad, and even though I told Peter not to buy me anything, he bought me a beautiful necklace. It is a tear drop shape of my birthstone, aquamarine, with diamonds all the way around the edge. I know if I took a pic it wouldn't turn out. So this is what it looks like, except that it is an aquamarine and I am SURE a lot less expensive. What the heck is a Tanzanite and why is it so expensive. Something to google when I get done.

HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! YEAH I ACTUALLY MADE IT.

lack of friendships = lonliness

I dragged my butt to school today. I had to talk myself into going and out of staying home. I was exhausted but glad I went. I ended up getting a 4 7/8 out of 5 on my essay. Talk about nit picky. Never heard of 4 and 7/8 before. So I was 1/8 away from a 5? Based on what, a misspelled word or something? Hmmm, I am not complaining but it is just odd to me. My next math test is on Thursday next week. I am confident I will do well again. I love doing my math homework. That is the strangest thing to ever come out of my mouth. I have always hated it and cried so many school nights because I just didn't get "it". Now I get it.

I see a lot of people from AA and from last semester at school. You would think I could strike up a friendship with one of them but I don't. Sometimes I think I am so retarded. I long for friendships, I am lonely with out them, but I am afraid of getting hurt, again. I am also afraid to get to know some one for fear they won't like me. Over the last 10 to 15 years friends have come and gone. Mostly due to my drinking and drug use. They usually got tired of me and distanced themselves. The exception was Auntie prozac since I cut the ties there.

I had close friends from work but when my mom was dying I went off the deepend and shortly after my marriage I went off the deepend again and that is when I lost all my friends at the time. Everyone just got tired of me calling them up drunk all the time saying woe is me, blah, blah, blah. This was one friend I had maintained for over 10 years. We met working together. The other friends were from AA in Elk grove. Then when I started getting cleaned up I moved to the other side of Sacto. County and made and kept a friend there. I actually had two but I only tried to maintain the one. She ended up moving to Marysville to her then boyfriend's house so I thought we would still be friends. When I had my son though , our relationship suffered. Guess she felt like we had nothing in common any more. Afterall she is about 17 years younger than me. Well we saw each other a few times once she moved here and we called each other a few times. Then she just stopped returning my calls. What would happen is every time I relapsed, Peter would call my girlfriend and tell her. I don't know if he was looking for advise or sympathy or answers, but he had no place doing that. Despite me telling him not to, he continued. Then I stopped hearing from her at all. I ran into her at a meeting one Sunday a long while back and that is when she said she is getting married and that we would be invited. As it turned out, her wedding last year was the same weekend as father's day and Peter didn't want to go all the way up to Reno and back in one night, in order to make it to his parent's house that Sunday. So, we let her know through a mutual friend, that we were not going. I had intended on getting her a gift, but then I let time slip away and I let my my resentment build, so that after a while I no longer wanted to present her with a gift or see her.

I haven't clicked with any of our neighbors either. All the women work, but on the weekends and nice evenings I do see them. We just speak briefly and let our kids play together. We haven't invited any one over to get to know them like we should. Peter isn't so much interested in finding new friends. I think he is happy with the amount of friends he already has and the time he allots for them. I have met a few women at the women's Fri. night meetings that invited me to go to their jewelry making house parties, but I declined. I felt codependant to Peter and my son and scared too. Now that I think about it, there is one woman on the corner who doesn't work. She is very nice and we have talked for quite a while in my driveway when she get's her mail. Once she said, come on over any time, I am almost always home. My hold back is this. She is much older. Her daughter is grown and out of the house and her husband is retired. He drinks too. I haven't seen her drinking like I have him (he carries a bud can around with him from time to time) but I would guess that she does too. Then there is a lady around the corner from the bay area who has two kids, a boy and a girl. The boy is a little older than Aiden and the girl is quite a bit older but loves to play with Aiden. My hold back there is that she is the wife of the vice president of our housing development. What does that have to do with anything? I feel less than her already. Their house is so much nicer than ours. Besides what the hell am I going to talk about. Hey nice weather we are having huh? See I am a social retard. This is why I never wanted Aiden to grow up an only child and we let him and Seiji play together as much as possible. So he doesn't tur out like me.

Blogger buddy

Hey crazy aunt. Dont' shoot me but I did it again. I erased your email that had your blogger and myspace address'. Are you writing any more? Even if you are not, let me know how you, hubby and kids are.

still sick

I am still sick. I re read my attendance requirements for school. If I miss one more class, I get the boot. Shit. I am going tomorrow no matter what. I still don't have energy and my throat still hurts but I don't ache like I was. It sure feels good to get rest or sleep during the day. Aiden seems to be doing much better. He still gets a bit tired and isn't eating like normal, but he is eating.

Goings on

I get to find out my essay grade tomorrow. At worst I will stay at a B, but it sure would be nice to get an A.

I know I should be sleeping now but I can't. I think it was from too much of doing nothing today and I was dozing from 1:30 to 4 this afternoon. I am tired and sleepy but I can't stop the thinker from thinking.

We had an okay weekend. Jared came over this weekend and so did Uncle Solar, Seiji and Quin. We bought a Wii Sat night so the kids had fun playing. We gave Jared our extra laptop computer. Boy was he happy. I even got thank you email because I was in bed when Peter drove him home so he didn't get the chance. Aiden want's to play the Wii sports game but just isn't coordinated enough so that means I can't play it or he throws a fit. I tried helping him but he is Mr. Independant and doesn't want the help. He would rather do it wrong over and over and over. Drives me and Peter nuts when he does that. He does it with computer games that are too hard.

I turn 40 on Fri. I guess we are going to Ojiichan's for dinner and cake. My dad is coming home on Thursday from his annual trip to Mexico. We are going to invite my dad and Monti over there. We may even celebrate Andrews bday the same day like we have done in the past. Usually we have the party at our house but it still is too much for Ojiichan to drive that far.

I let Aiden eat his dinner at the computer table while he watched a movie. I kept a large barf bowl by him just in case. When I went in to check on him, he had rice and fresh made apple, carrot, blueberry juice all over the floor. It looked like he had thrown up in the bowl but he told me he had spit. Boy I was mad. He got a time out and lost his computer privileges for the night. This floor needs a professional cleaning that is for sure.

I have been reading the following student nurse blogs lately. Nurse 1 and Nurse 2. They give me so much inspiration. Especially the one gal who is in her 40's and has kids. If she can do It I can too.

Aiden's first stomache flu

Yes Aiden is sick again. He has been sick non stop for over a month and when I feel better I am taking him to the dr. He woke up i the middle of the night Sat., vomiting all over. Poor kid. We stripped his bed and then made a bed on the floor of our bedroom where he slept until the next am. I awoke Sun, feeling like I had the flu. Aiden had a high temp all day Sun., but no vomiting. Today I thought we were in the clear as he had no fever and acted fine. He still wasn't eating but downed some soy milk. All of it came back up all over and I mean, all over the computer room floor. I eve caught a bunch in my hands to run to the sink with. Sorry so vivid. Thank God that stuff doesn't boter me. I am feeling a bit better than I did when I first woke up. Peter is coming home early today with a carpet cleaner. Hopefully we will be asleep and won't need help. I am letting Aiden eat crackers and water with clear soup. The advise nurse said not to give him food for 8 hrs and only a little liquid for 4 hrs, increasing after that. I have a feeling I will regret giving him food ,but the little guy really hasn't eaten much since Sat. I don't want him feeling hungry.

flu bug

I have the flu and this is about all the energy I have, to type.

I did it

I went and had my hair professionally colored back to my natural color. Actually it is a bit darker but it is an espresso brown. Wow what a difference. My hair was a faded out sort of orange color, from the fading of previous light brown coloring over the last few years. This darker color seems to bring out my eyes more and makes my skin not so reddish looking. I hope Peter likes it. He was the one who told me to go back to my natural color, which he had never seen on me. My natural color gets sun washed and is a lot lighter than espresso but my roots are definately that dark so that is how I ended up with the darker color.

I got my very first email from Peter's oldest son, yesterday. It was an inspirational card which encourages us to embrace who we want to be and what we want to be by using our mind body and soul. I guess that is how I would some it up. It talked about invisioning your goals as you already achiving them for them to actually happen. Interestingly enough I have been doing just that in regards to college and becoming a nurse. I am already seeing myself as a college grad and a nurse. I am not talking just completing the nursing program but actually getting my AS degree in nursing. I know I can do it and I know believing this is key. I do not see any obstacles in my way either. I am smart enough and will do well in school. See, that is how it's done and with a lot of hard work, one day at a time.

I have a late late afternoon dr appt and then I can go pick up Aiden. He got all gussied up today for pictures. So I finally have him professionally photographed at age three. So what if I am only 4 months late. He wore his grey cords, white turtle neck and black argyle vest. Should turn out good.

writing

I finally finished my essay assignment. I have a feeling I am not going to be getting anything higher than a B grade, despite all the revisions. It certainly flows a lot better and I think I have all the comma's where they are supposed to be. Writing is a lot harder than I remember.

I luv school and I luv my life

Okay well maybe not luv but I like it a lot. I got my test back from math...100% Woooo hooooo. I actually missed a few 1/2 pts here and there but because I got the bonus point right, I got 2 pts added back to my score. At this point I am doing better in math than reading. I got the second draft of my paper back today as well and I am still getting 4 out of 5. She sent me home with a grammar book and told me what to omit and what to add details on. Gah. I will be interested in seeing If I still get a B.

On Sunday we went to MAD house so Peter could get his 6 year clean and sober coin at the house meeting. Regular AA and NA meetings are held there daily as well but Sunday nights are reserved for clients and alumni. It is held in the converted garage of one of the houses. On the garage wall, which would have been the garage door, it is called the dead wall. It lists all the people that either lived at CSTL or went through Fair Oaks recovery, (I did both) that have died either intentionally or accidentally from our disease. Peter and I have several friends listed on that wall. We actually saw the husband of one of the female friends, who choked on her own vomit, alone in a hotel room. She left behind a 4 year old daughter and she also had an older child(ren) from a previous relationship. He said he had their daughter on his own since she was one. They found Laurie in Tiajuana apparently od'd and as I said, choked on her own vomit. I actually lived with or was in treatment with 4 out of the 5 people I knew who had either hung themselves or od'd. I left that meeting with a lot of gratitude. Gratitude for being alive, clean and sober and gratitude that I live where I live with Peter and our son. Those people were so fun, so lively, so beautiful and so kind. How sad for those who were left behind to mourn them.

MY NEW COMPUTER IS "FREAKIN' GENIUS!"

Time to catch up

First off the new computer and printer are up and running. I love it and have already recorded a tv show. It took our friend, who works on reparing and setting up computers for a living, from about 11 am to 11 pm. The comp came with Windows vista which I really like but will need to learn more about. I am scared of the new printer. It is an HP photosmart C5180 all in one printer. It has a lot of buttons, too many buttons. The nicest part is that I can stick my camera's memory card into it and the pictures come up on the screen so I can easily see which pictures I want to print or don't want to print.

Last night we had Ojiichan and Baba watch Aiden for us and Peter wet to get his 6 year chip at the mad house. I alos stood up to say a bit about Peter as did his children. Christina was there with Jared. She hadn't seen me since Aiden's birthday last Oct. The nice thing is that she commented to me personally on how good I look. She also sent a text to Peter before we even got home that said that she sincerely hopes that we continue to stay together and that with both of us clean and sober we are an amazing couple. Well well. Apparently not taking her crap paid off. At first it was awkward but I made it apoint to ask her how she is doing and all was well.

Ah just got a call from Uncle Solar to see if we were home today and if he could bring Seiji by. I said yes but that Aiden has a cold. He sort of hem-hawed and said well how bout if we stop by for a little while. I really wanted to say no but I felt like I couldn't put him off another time. I was considering taking Aiden to the dr today because he has been sick one cold after another. Well poo I gotta go take a shower so I am ready before they get here. He is going to go pick up Seiji now.

Not coming

maria isn't coming. Her room mate put a note on her door that said something like 3 days and out, but she refused to explain what that meant and why. So Peter went over there and talked to Maria about her options and how she needs to let that dog go. Some time she needs to put herself before the dog. He recommended Mad house again and she pitched a fit. She doesn't have many options. She can't come up here, not with her dog and I would even agree to more than a couple of days. I can not live with some one who is constantly depressed and complaining and sleeping all day. No way.

I am irritated with Peter cause we were talking on the phone and he cut me off and said tell her that, not me. So I said "fine. I get it. You don't want to hear it." Then I said, "bye." I haven't eaten as I have been waiting for him to come home. It is already past 7 pm.

I did all that tiding up for no reason. Gah!!!

Grey's

That was absolutely fantastic last night. I watched both since I missed the tail end of the first one last week. OMG, I never saw that coming. They did a good job on such an unknown subject. I was glued to my seat and made Aiden whisper or he had to leave the room.

My blog

I checked and there are 5 people reading my blog this very minute. Wow cool.

Tragic

Anna Nicole and Britney: all I can say is how very, very sad. Melt downs are real and they can make people do really awful things. I am suspicious of Howard K Stern ( ha ha I first typed kster) now though. Who the hell leaves some ones side if they have a temp of 104 or what ever it was to go get a boat. Hmm what do you think?

School, Auntie Maria, my Peter

I took my math test today and I felt like I missed a ton of problems. I am not to happy with myself. My study time that I chose was inappropriate because Aiden was home and constantly interrupted me. Then I had to break and put him to bed. When I layed down next to him I fell asleep and woke up at 1 am. So I stayed up and studied for an hour. I did not do practice problems as I have done in the past. So not only did I miss the first test, I probably bombed the second test. I am doing great with understanding the math though and am able to complete my homework with out the assistance of my tutor. I always speak up in class. (Both classes actually) Any ways I will do better next time.

Uncle solar was going to bring Seiji up late this afternoon but his work required him to cancel. Now Peter's sister is going to come over on Fri and spend time with us til Sun. Last time we hung out with her last weekend I stressed that she should come over to get out of that environment. she looks a million times better now that she is clean. Before her face was picked at so bad she would get staff infections. She always had several huge open sores all over. It was mighty gross. No sores now though. I used to hate it when she touched my child and I got to the point where I would always asked, "do you have an infection and can you cover your sores with bandages please." She was understanding. Any ways, she is trying to stay clean and is still suffering from depression. She has been bipolar and depressed her entire life. She has attempted suicide more than once and has been suicidal several times requiring the cops coming an taking her to psychiatric facilities or her father taking her to the hospital. Peter has told her nearly weekly to get out of that house (she lives with a crazy drug using person in one of those cold, dark, dingy, filthy, piled high with junk houses) I have been inside and there is no method of any sort, and no decorating. For example, lawn chairs in front of a tv set on card board boxes and other pieces of furniture or large awkward items all about the entire room. You have to walk in sort of a maze like fashion to get from one room to the next. Well enough about that. I am just glad she has decided to come. We need to see about taking her out for fun. Her long time room mate, like we are talking close to 15 years, has schizophrenia, bipolar and addiction. She hears voices, believs that the cops are watching her and getting in through the garage, setting up surveillance viewing in there because the house has camera's watching her. She will often times go out side and scream at the top of her lungs, usually a slew of swear words and finally to get the F*** out of her house. Well enough about all that madness.

I went to a meeting today as it has been a loooong time since I did. I will be going again Sunday but at the Madhouse to see Peter get his 6 year chip presented to him. I have been thinking about going up and saying something (pre-prepared speach of some sort. The difficult parts are that there will be about a minimum of 50 people in the room. Many of whom I will know and even more that I don't. In addition, when I say a speech in regards to a loved one, I always get choked up, cry and then I am unable to speak except in squeaky, unintelligible sentences. Doesn't that sound like fun. In the past Peter has asked me to come and present his chip and I always have chickened out. I do feel it is important though because out of those six years, Peter and I have been together for 5. Tons of people from the made house believe Peter and I would not make it together. Many people told Peter to give up on me and let me go because of my relapses. Many people did not approve of our relationship. Many people were jealous too. Now I can stand up there with a nice sparkling ring on my finger and a billion wonderful things to say about Peter and what he does for his recover and for his family. What a walking miracle he is. He used to cook and sell his own dope, get sex from bag whores (women who want a bag of dope exchanged sex to get it). These women must have been unclean, filthy, and would do basically anything to get a bag of dope. I imagine with Peter being on dope and the nature of that drug making you want to fuck for hours with out stopping, did so with these women. That is one of the reasons he is so fucked up about sex. I am getting hung with another woman's rope basically or many women I should say. He was also homeless at one point, lost everything he owned because he couldn't pay for storage any more, rode a bike ever where, got arrested several times, had three felonies for drug possession and paraphernalia so he he did more than two years of jail time. Now look where he is at today. Pretty fucking amazing if you ask me. He has always been the rock of our family.

school work

I got my first draft of my essay back and got a 4 out of a 5. So today I will make the corrections and retype it. The final draft is due 3/1. I already started working on it and feel like I am making it worse....that was yesterday. Hopefully today I will look at it differently.

I also have to study for my math test. I am pretty confident that I know how to do the equations as long as I take my time and double check my work. I have a tendency to want to breeze through them with out pause. Grr bad habit. Any ways I am still enjoying school and and am feeling pretty doggone smart too.

Aiden seems like he has a mild cold. He never really got over the sniffles of the other one when we were both sick. Peter has a cold also. I am so tired of Aiden being sick. I will be recording yet another illness on my calender and if he gets one more too close to the last I am taking him in to have tests done.

The weather this year is strange. We have not had rain like we should be getting. Last month we had a freeze for several days which killed off most of our plants. Peter was pissed because he had put so much work into the yard last year. Normally at this time we should be getting buckets of rain but it really has been just cold and blustery. The forecast predicts rain for Thursday so we will see. I just hope it isn't windy because it will be a drag walking to class trying to hold an umbrella.

Now I am just stalling...off to do the damn paper.

New week

Last week was a horrible week. It was full of emotional ups and downs with it being the anniversary of my mothers death and the anniversary of my engagement to dick head. I had a whole afternoon of crying and again later that evening. Once I got that out, the rest of the week wasn't quite as hard. This week and even into the weekend is much better for me emotionally. I think Peter and I have swapped though. This weekend he became very emotional on the way home from Ojiichan's. He called his eldest son to say the end is coming and to visit as much as he can. Poor baby couldn't even finish talking to his son and handed the phone over to me. I have only seen Peter cry like that one other time in regards to his mom. This time it was more intense. I told Peter that I was there for him through this difficult time and that I want to be his net, his rock, his shoulder or whatever he needs me for to get through it.

Today was wonderful. We actually got all nekid, did some foolin around and cuddling today while our son napped this afternoon. I forgot what it was like but I made sure I let Peter know that I appreciated the attention and the affection. Nice way to end the weekend and start the week.

Our new computer is in but we are having help to set it up since we have to hook it up to the cable and we only have the one cable line in this room which is being used for internet access. Looks like we need another one so I can record my shows on to the computer. It will take me a year or longer just to figure out how to work all this new stuff. None of the kids are allowed to touch it or so Peter says. Every time they come over and fiddle with my computer something gets screwed up or deleted. The bad part is they will want to use the new one to burn cd's and for games. Nuh uh!!!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

I am so excited. I get some new Victoria Secret stuff delivered today. Woo woo. Peter didn't know it but that is what he got me for Valentines day. He says the new computer, printer and monitor was too. Piece by piece they have slowly started shipping. The 19" monitor with built in speakers is here. The printer was shipped and should be here today and the hard drive should be here around the 20th.

I got Peter a couple of shirts, chocolates and some after shaving soothing lotion by Clinique. He ended up not liking the shirts so I have to go tomorrow and exchange them. :(

New dorky myspace

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=151846629&MyToken=76174b09-b778-4dfc-be29-d40edd11b61e

Down and out in YC

I am down and out today. Peter took Aiden to Ojiichan's today. I told him I didn't feel good enough to go. The only thing is that it is more mental than physical. I can't even write about what is bothering me. I feel bad for staying home only because my sweet pie really wanted me to go. I think it is good for him and Aiden to bond together with out me any way.

Got the blahs today

I woke up sick this am with congestion and a really bad sinus head ache. So I missed school again today and layed in bed til about 9 am. Now I feel guilty because I am feeling good enough to be at school. I started feeling crappy last night but still had planned on going to school. Aiden still has a cold but his eyes are looking better now that he has drops. Knock on wood, I didn't get his pink eye.

Peter made a $400,000 sale yesterday. If he gets a raise, I am going to see about going to the dang dentist. I am years over due and I know I have cavities, chipped teeth, stained teeth etc. I sure would like to get some cosmetic stuff done but that will come after I go back to work and can afford to make payments.

pink eye

I was all set to go to school today and when I started getting Aiden ready in the bathroom I noticed both eyes were red, swollen and had crusties in the eyelashes. Ah crap. I have a test today and there are no make ups. One missed test will be replaced with the percentage of my final so I guess it isn't too bad. I need to find an alternative sitter so I don't mis any more school. My dad left for Mexico today. Monti wouldn't be able to watch Aiden because she still has her eye covered (eye bleeding) and I doubt she could drive up here. Crap!

andrew, bed, computer

Andrew spent the weekend with us starting Fri. night. Andrew had gotten into a fight with his mom and step dad. I am certain it was Andrew's fault for going off at the mouth and calling his step dad mother fucker and cock sucker etc. I guess his step dad layed hands on him and shoved him out the front door. His mom called the cops but no one got arrested. So he came up here to cool off. Peter talked to Andrew about how he was oing to handle the situation on the drive home Sun and then him and Peter got into an arguement. The kid is one self centered sob. He was trying to tell peter that he didn't know him, didn't know what he was about and that he didn't need his dad for anything. Andrew claimed that all his dad cared about was money. While it is true Peter loves money and making it. That is't the only thing he cares about. Any way in the heat of the moment Peter told his son fine you aren't getting shit from me so when you get your stuff stolen lost or broken don't come crying to him.

During the week we shopped for a spare bed. When Peter snores I end up sleeping in Aiden's bed which is horrible for my back or eve worse on the couch. So yeah we went and bought a twin bed and then we are getting a daybed frame with a trundle. It cost a fortune but I shouldn't have any problems at all sleeping. They delivered it today and I am so happy I could pop. What a relief.

Peter is a shopaholic. We do not need a new computer but he bought one anyway. Guess he will be giving the kids one of the lap tops. I will be the one using the new on and it is a a desk top with all the bells and whistles. Guess I can record my tv programs off of the cable onto the computer so I won't need tivo and I won't miss my shows any more. Woo hoo.

Aiden, Obachan, and Ojichan

Andrew and Heather

Andrew's back flip

Aiden and Andrew

Me after the light socket accident

Jared and Peter

Aiden and Seiji both being hams

Me looking wired at Christmas on my dad's lap

Aiden and his Cars bedding

Me and the only way to get my pic taken

Chaos at Christmas

Ojiichwan and the newest member of our family, Eames

Christmas and their favorite thing to do at Ojiichan's

The boys had a nice Christmas

So many toys!!!

Christmas morn

GO TYRA!!!!

I think that says it all.