Before

after

After

murder - suicide yes Peter I have a foul mouth. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Are the times so much worse now, or is it that so much more gets reported in the news? I am sick and tired of these parents who get all depressed, kill their children and then kill themselves. What the fuck is wrong with you idiots? If your life is so blasted miserable that you want to off yourselves, what makes you think that your children would be better off dead too? No! I am sorry they would be better off alive, living with a family member, being adopted out or in foster care than murdered, you miserable fucks. I am just appalled and disgusted. I too have been so depressed that I wanted to commit suicide. In fact, if you printed out all the hopital records in my name, the summary on several would say suicidal. I tell you what though, I would never, ever in a million years subject my child to my own misery and take his life. Your children would be much better off with out your sorry ass and living with some one else. These innocent children are the children of God and how dare you make the decision that their lives are not worth living!!!

grades

Reading - A
PreAlgebra - B
Not too bad. I wanted that A in math, but I knew I wouldn't, because that test was a bitch for me. My friend Janelle got an A, but she has had that math before in a different state. YCC told her that her credits didn't transfer initially, so she had to take the class. More than half way thru, they said oops it did transfer. I had help from her during the semester.

Busy bees

In preparation for an appraisal, we worked around the house all weekend and also did some normal weekly chores as well. Peter's eldest son was supposed to come up and help but told his dad he had wanted to hang out with his friends. He asked Andrew and he declined as well. So Peter was pretty upset over that. I cleaned house and went grocery shopping on Sat. as I had no time last week. Peter mowed and edged the lawns. We both pulled out weeds (clover) from the entire front yard. We bought over 30 plants, pulled out atleast 10 and then replanted most of the entire front landscape. We also bought 4 1/2 yards of fresh bark and split some of it with our neighbors. All but 1 1/2 yards has been spread into the planters. Ofcourse we left tons of plants but replaced everything that was either not thriving or had been damage by the freeze over the winter. I will have, before and after pics if I can get them loaded. I have a really hard time now with the new photo software on my computer.

To top all that off, Aiden cought the flu and Thursday night woke up throwing up. He was over the worst of it by Sat. and thta is how we were able to get so much work done. Aiden still didn't feel so hot over the weekend and you could tell by his misbehaving in the afternoons. He finally got well enough to play with the neighbor kids on Sunday eve in their baby pool and Monday all day.

I have a few more plants to plant today, then after the bark is done we will tackle the area in our backyard which was supposed to have been a raised vegetable garden for me. Peter never built me a raised bed and nothing grows in the original soil because there is so much clay. So instead, we are going to build it up a little and make a gigantic sand box for Aiden and I will also put his water play table and a storage bench for his outside toys right in the box. That area sits on the East side of the house so it gets shade during the 5 pm heat. We will also put a swing set back there eventually. I want a pool something fierce but no can do now.

Tomorrow I go get auntie Maria and we will start tackling the inside list of chores. I am already so dang tired that by the weeks end I think I will be exhausted. I also need to throw a birthday party for Jared and Peter the 9th of June. We will be going to Six Flags on the 7th to celebrate like we did last year too. It is going to be a busy summer I an tell.

tad freaked out Finances

I am 40 and Peter will be 48 in June. Both of us in our addictions, squandered any and all moneys saved for retirement. Peter would have been a millionaire easily. Would have been!! I had money in stocks, a retirement account and money from the sale of my house that I blew through in one bad year. Now we are like the grasshopper in that story about a grasshopper and I think an ant. Where the ant stored up food for the winter but the grasshopper didn't. Something like that, but you get the picture. We or I have been intending to start something up for us, but as I was taking a walk yesterday I noticed that the house next to our realtors, which is the same model as ours, has a sale pending sign on it. I looked at the flyer and it was selling for $399,000. We originally bought our house for upwards of $435,000 then we put upgrades in and have that damned equity loan, so now we owe about $450,000. We are fucked royally. I talked to my dad yesterday about it briefly, but that was before I saw the sale pending sign. I had told my dad that yes we would need his help, which my dad offered to us several weeks ago, and that we are most likely selling my fully paid for Expedition and the Dodge Ram. The dodge we are trading in for a more family vehicle with beter gas mileage and the money from my Ford will go toward a refinance loan together with the help from my father. But now I am afraid all of that isn't going to be enough. My dad has a great retirement. He gets checks every month and he has his savings from the sale of his house both in a savings account and in CD's, stocks and other interest accounts. I do not want to plow through what would have been my inheritance but, I also do not want to lose this house by short sale or by foreclosure. I had plans for my inheritance money going into retirement and money for my son for college and stuff like that. Shit what should we do. My dad I know is helping, because he knows how hard we worked to get this house and he wants a home for us, he adores Peter and Aiden, but he is also helping, because he wants me to finish college. Him and Monti are so proud of me they could pop!! I have come such a friggin long way and all this crap f's up our plans big time. We made a mistake a big one. I say we, because I should have been clean and sober, then Peter would have listened to my opinion about not getting the equity loan and I should have been clean and sober and more involved in the original loan process as I could have warned him about the potential of exactly what is happening to us. latly I have been telling him I want to be more involved in our finances. He is a control freak and up until know didn't want me to have access to anything because he didn't trust me. I have finally ganed his trust and I want to make sure I agree with what he does. We have a shit load of credit cards and all I know is that he has been paying hundreds of dollars more each month to get them down to a zero balance. Again my fault also. I went crazy wild spending that first year and a bit crazy wild spending the second year. He just went crazy wild spending above and beyond what I did, so together we created a shit load of debt. Fine that is being dealt with but he has most of them paid online and I have no password so that is going to be changing and he is okay with that but did throw in I think I have done a good job with our finances. I didn't want him to get mad so I said, me wanting to be involved isn't like saying I don't think he did a good job. I said I want to know what we owe and what he pays and how much debt we have vs wha money we have in the bank and I have a right to know especially as your wife. So that was the end of that conversatioon, I had im on that one. Now how do I actually get involved? I guess I will have to sit down with him at the couch with the laptop and go through each acct. with pen and paper. I want to get one of tose money programs too so he can see with graphs and charts just how ugly our situation is. I think it make s a huge difference when you can see it in a pie chart. Any ways enough venting about our financial crap from me. Any advise appreciated.

winch, wench however you spell it

Did I mention that Jared's car got stollen a few weeks ago and that it din't get hot wired so who ever did i has a key. I also found out the same weekend that Jared's wench ex girlfriend is now dating/fucking the room mate of the neighbor she had cheated on Jared with, on Halloween. Those guys had moved but now this new guy is always at her house. Get this Jared and this guy bubs used to be great friends but he is the dude that was trying to screw Jared over at their job at the cell phone store. Jared had stood up for himself and told the boss that bubs was leaving before his shift was over leaving Jared to do all the work. Bubs was getting fired and got made at Jared for telling on him. So they haven't been friends in a long time and now he is doing Jared's ex girlfriend. That is how lowly that little girl bitch is. I tried telling Peter so many times ad now finally he believes me and agrees she is a little filthy bitch.

Not sure how I did

That damn final was freaking hard. I know for a fact that I missed atleast 7 points on my test. I hate not knowing. It is driving me nuts. I am sure I have a few 1/2 points missed here and there but truly I think I got a b or a c which is good, it's passing. I am just an anal retentive, obsessive-compulsive perfectionist when it comes to stuff like that. Damnit I want an A. I worked friggin hard. I should not have gone to the movies on Sat before the final. Actually I hadn't planned on it and I kicked Peter and the kid out of the house to go see a movie so I could have study time. What happened though is they were all sold out so he bought tickets for all three of us a few hours later. I still needed that time to study math because all my time was spent on my reading. So on Sat I missed studying for math. That is a lesson learned.

Now I am going to be kicking it in hi gear to ge the house ready for an appraisal. I think Peter's sister will come on Tuesday now to help me out. We have a lot of work to do and Aiden is officially out of school. There is no way I could do all this on my own and have to watch Aiden too.

Here is a copy of my to do list.
TO DO LIST

1. Inventory touch up paint and order with wet sample from Sherwin
Williams, if low.
2. Clean and paint baseboards. Clean and touch up doors.
3. Touch up walls, take down photos, art work, and wall hangings and
touch up behind and around.
4. Wash windows, window sills and dust all blinds. Touch up paint -
window sills
5. Clean/polish the fronts of all cupboards and cupboard doors.
6. Dust entire china cabinet and clean all glass doors and shelves, both
inside and out.
7. Pull up daisy like, purple flowers in front yard. Purchase new plants (Peter plants them)
8. Hang black and white photos (master bedroom) and shelves (Aiden’s
room).
9. Clean out fireplace and clean glass doors.
10. Weed and level out dirt patch in garden and fill with bark. Move
Aiden’s outdoor toys to bark area, purchase storage bench for large .
items and a sand box. Examples: dump trucks, shovel, rake, hoe, balls,
bats, etc.

I am not even all that excited to be out of school. I would rather push on through and get it done, but the next classes are way too hard to take during the summer. Poop.

school, whales

My math final is today and I am shooting for an A. I keep telling myself I will get and A and I will remember all the theories and formulas. Why the hell not, I have gotten A's on everything before.

I forgot to mention that Peter's office is in West Sac. and when the mamma whale and her baby were in the port of West Sac. he went to go see them last week. He got a bird's eye view before the crowds showed up. I do hope they make it back home and survive the injuries sustained from a boat propeller.

IT is 9:3o am and I have to take my test at 2:30 today so off I go to study some more.

Church and potty training

Aiden has consistently used the potty for a week now. No more pull ups and only night time diapers now. Hurray he is finally potty trained.

He loves church so we keep going. One of these Wednesdays we are going to the church's version of a recovery support group. Peter is really interested in that one. We both cry at church. He finally copped to it yesterday and brought it up on his own even. Our reasons for getting teary eyed are different though. I cry because of happiness and a connection I feel to God, my family and the community. His is personal and the mere fact that he shared it with me, leads me to keep it private. He is such a good man and I love him dearly. He payed for a woman's meal yesterday as we were paying our bill this woman walked in to be seated. She told us that our son was adorable. Apparently while I was in te restroom he saw the woman arrive in a taxi. He decided to do a raok. He has been doing that a lot lately, giving his own shirt to a homeless man with none, buying coffee, food and gas for people less fortunate or elderly. Isn't that just so sweet, well I think so. It inspires me to do raok too. After finals ofcourse.

One final down, one to go

I think I probably got an A or B on the three part Reading final. If by chance I get a C I will most likely get a B in the class. It took 2 1/2 hours and the essay question was on the section I studied and remembered most.

Time for a nap before I resume study for math. Elementary Algebra here I come (next semester).

Forgot to mention Mother's Day

Hope all the mom's out there in Internet land had a wonderful Mother's day. We spent it at my dad's and then at Peter's dad's. Uncle Solar was there with Seiji. Carol had made a huge deal out of how he had better have Seiji ready to be picked up so she could spend Mother's day with him. Well she never called, so he brought Seji over to dad's house and the kids played together until we left at 6:30 PM. Yes PM. I asked Jeff later that night via e-mail, what time she finally came and got him, and at around 7:30 she came and got him. Is that unfreaking believable. The whole family was buzzing about what an aweful mother she is and has been from the very start. The ex wife of Baba's son made mention that Carol had left the Christams gathering on Seiji's very first Christmas. I didn't remember that and i suppose it was around when she was really depresed and they were fighting but she had a good point. Wouldn't you want to be there for your son's first Christmas and to take pictures, etc. I have always been there and I am sure most mother's would be too. She is one strange cookie and I see her crumbling entirely to pieces one of these days. I wouln't be surprised if she got locked up in a nut ward. Ofcourse she will hold on for dear life until then trying to prove that she is functional and a good mother and that somehow Uncle Solar is the bad parent. Go figure?

finals and the trials of potty training and church.

Still studying for finals. Or hardly studying I should say. I started yesterday. I brought my outline, that technically I finished today, to the nail salon and read it while I had a pedicure and had my nails done. I have been getting my nails done for quite some time. A reward I have treated myself to for 1quitting the nicotine gum. By far it is still less expensive to get my nails done. Peter can't say a word because he always used to say I would rather you spent the money on clothes or things for yourself, instead of the gum or on smoking.

Any ways, Aiden is finally almost potty trained. It has been a battle to say the least but he is finally coming around. He most recently purchased trains with his own money, that he earned doing various small chores and for also going pee or poo on the potty. Now that he has done this, he is even more eager to earn and save his quarters. I give him one quarter for a pee in the potty and two for a pooh. The two may seem generous and it is because he has always refused until recently to go in the potty. He always wanted to hide somewhere on the floor and pooh in his pull ups. That is until I showed him how much money he could earn, how much praise he would get and now clean it is to go in the potty instead of his pants. I feel that I have done a good job finally combining the two lessons of potty training and learning to earn, save and some what of the value of spending you r own money. He has this Thomas catalog that he keeps open and every day, several times a day, tells us exactly what he wants to buy, to add to his collection of Thomas the train sets. He has loads of actual trains. two fairly large sets of tracks and only a few buildings. His focus now is more on things like the cranes, factories, etc to make the town of Sodor. Go figure.

Yes I am avoiding studying at the moment. Truthfully, I should have sent Aiden to school today. I thought that is what I was going to do ,but instead, have just let him play around the house. He is perfectly content at the moment just playing by himself. I have only needed to feed him and make sure he goes potty. So far so good. It isn't always like that. A typical day usually consists of several requests for me to play with him or to go to the park, ride bikes or ride his tractor. I almost always do what he wishes, unless I have to get something done in which case I will still try to squeeze it in. I can sit out front and study while he rides his bike, but on most occassions I join him because it is more fun than doing home work. I am still getting A's but the final grade will determine if I just pass each class or if I get an A. I could get a D on the final in reading and still pass. I can get a C on my math final and still get a C in the class, as I sit at a C right now after missing one whole test worth 100 points. It is only because I have gottne A's on every test and homework assignment. I love math and I am shocked.

Oh and I have been a praying fool and we really have gone back to church. It ha been over 30 some years for Peter and about 7 years for me. We have decided on the Church of the Nazarine and we can either drive to the large one up the street or walk across the srteet to the elementary school where they hold church in the multipurpose room. We like the big church much better. On mothers day, Aiden got to sing with a bunch of children his own age in front of the church. It was adorable. We had missed a few days here and there so he never got a chance to learn the words, but boy he sure tried hard to sing and do all of the little moves. Peter was nearly in tears. Then last night we were saying grace at the dinner table and Aiden chimed in with his gratitude list. He thanked the Lord for church last night and if that isn't enough to make us keep going I don't know what is. Peter said he is motivated to go because Aiden enjoys it so much and so what ever it takes I am just grateful my family wans to go. I was raised in a non religious family. We didn't talk about God and I never learned to pray or rely on a power greater than myself. My parents felt they were doing me a favor by letting me choose as an adult what religion, if any to partake in. I know they did that because they thought it best, but I don't want that for my son. I felt lost growing up and I don't want my son to feel the same way. I want him to have faith, a source of comfort (besides his family), knowledge, peace, joy, love and wisdom, just to name a few. I knew nothing and had no example.

Well enough blabbing about me and my family. I better go study before the whole day is wasted.

update - brief

I am still getting prepared for finals. I decided to give myself a few extra days of study and will take the Reading final on Mon. of the following week instead of this coming Friday. I haven't even finished the outline but am close. By the time I get done, typed it will still be over 20 pages. Hear that 20 pages to memorize. Crap. So not next week but the following I will have a reading final on Mon. and my pre algebra on Wednesday. I am more optimistic about my math. I have gotten an A on every test so far.

On Wednesday I took Aiden to the park as promised. Uncle Solar drove up to get a check we wrote to him as a loan of $200. He had to pay some $600 for Seiji's health care because Carol, the $@$##$%$!, wouldn't give him the info off her old insurance which made him pay retroactively for Seiji. That woman, I am telling you is evil. Uncle solar has kept most of the voice mail messages she has left for him, to eventually use against her in a court of law. Totally admissable, because after all she was the one leaving the messages. Any way, I listened to about three or four and trust me, the woman is completely insane. Saying things like take Seiji to the dr, he is sick, when I am sitting thre looking at him and he isn't sick at all, but in the same voice mail demands that Seiji be dropped on at Daycare to spend the day with his peers? Well let me see, if she is under the impression that her kid is sick enough to go to the dr, then why in the hell would she want him going to day care. I know from when I talked to her before she is under the impression that when unclse Solar has Seiji, he shoves Seiji in a room all day by himself while he works. Not the case. On the days he doesn't have Seiji he works 12 and 14 hours s that on the days he does have him, he can take him to the park, or any whre else kids find amusing. I feel so much like letting her know that and to tell her there isn't a judge in the world that would demand that the boy spend time in daycare, instead of his own father. But it isn't my place, or is it? After all, wouldn't it ease her mind to know that her son is being well taken care of and not just abandoned in the home to fend for himself all day? Maybe I am trying to justify little jabs? But she deserves it I swear, to come over my house, try to pump me for information and give me the old sob story of I missed you, he alienated me from the family, can I call you soemtime- to me and I havne't even heard from her since. I wrote a brief email recently asking if she really intended on taking Seiji and moving to Oregon, while uncle Solaris in Austria or is she just trying to get under his skin. As expected she didn't reply, but trust me I know she read it and ten seathed after word. You know we could have stayedfriends but she made it a picking sides thing and was so afraid that i was going to offer infor about her to uncle Solar that she cut all contact and then just expected me to pick up right after where she had left off. Hell no, I felt betrayed and hurt. So I ended the friendship. I am worth more than that crap and too bad she didn't see it that way. Now her only friend is a psycho woman that over medicates on her morpphine patch, vicodine and xanax. She is near death and in the hospital all the time. They both got fired from SMUD, I believe. Which everyone says is a hard thing to do, it's like the State, they can never get rid of poor employee's.

Ok enough mumbo jumbo, I have to drop off a card and candy at Aiden's school for child care provider/ teacher appreciation week and then come home to do homework, while Aiden plays in his pool. I think I will take the laptop outside on the patio so I can work and keep an eyeball on Aiden.

All is good. Hope you all have a great weekend. Caligirl, be brave.....go to the dentist. Ha, easy for me to say, when I actually had ins. I chickened out now I have no insurance and well can't go. May the force be with you.

mortgage woes

The goal is for me to cont. with school. We are getting an appraisal to see where we stand and will sell the expedition if necessary to come up with a down to refinance. We have enough money on a tight budget to cover the increased payment for the first 6 months, but when it goes up again in the next six months we won't. I need to get the house in chape for when the appaiser comes and am dreading that back breaking chore.

sick

I have been sick for over a week now. On or around Thursday last week it turned into a sinus infection. I had amoxicillin at home that dad got from Mexico but it really wasn't working, so I went to urgent care yesterday and got a stronger antibiotic. I still am having a hard time sleeping because of the congestion but energy wise I am feeling a bit better now. Last week at school was the pits. All I wanted to do was come home and go to bed.

Sat we went and spent the day and evening at Ojiichan and Baba's house. I ended up doing tons of math homework there. It was a nice visit and we had some awesome meals. I swear no one can cook like Harumi. Uncle solar was there too with Quin.

He said that auntie Prozac, Carol, is off the hook. She had a police escort on one of the days she was picking up Seiji. She is still threating to take Seiji and move to Oregon while uncle Solar is in Austria for three weeks. I can't figure out why te hell she would want to do that. There are many many days where it is her turn to have Seiji and she will leave him with his dad saying she can't get him because she is too sick or her car won't start or any number of lame excuses. She isn't going to have that luxury in Oergon. I can't picture her mother or father taking up the slack. I sent an email to her asking if she really was leaving or if she was just trying to fuck with Uncle Solar's head. She didn't respond as I guessed she wouldn't. I am almost certain the whole reason she was all nicey nice the day she came to our house to pick up Seiji was to pump me for info about uncle Solar. I am glad I didn't buy into it. I pretty much just listened to her bitch. Oh can I call she says, crying , "I missed you." Yeah right bitch. Poor uncle Solar is really worried that she will do it. I guess even though it is illegal for her to do so, it is really hard to get the kid back. You have to jump through the court system hoops in order to do so. That is exactly what she wants. She wants the legal fee's etc to suck him dry. He also told me the reason he chickened out on that gal rom overseas was because he actually knew more about Carol when they got together and looked what happened. He really didn't know much about this asian gal and didn't want to make the same mistake. Whew, maybe all my questions about her sunk in. That was close.

mortgage.

I don't feel like going into detail but suffice it to say, our mortgage is going up by over $700 a month, because of the adjustable mortgage rate type loan and will be increased again in 6 months if we don't refinance. We owe more than it is worth between the original loan and that stupid equity loan he took out. My dad had offered to help out, but a down payment would be more than what he offered to help with. So, unless the market improves we are up the creek. I discussed getting rid of that Dodge again last night and although he really does not want to, he will sell it so that I can cont. going to school. It just makes more sense that I cont. with school than to go back to work in Sac.

email sent to a friend giving update

Oh gosh I caught a bad cold and forgot all about updating you. I am sorry. He is much better and the swelling has gone down significantly. I just hope he doesn't end up with scars now. It really looked worse initially than what it actually was because of the bleeding and swelling.

On Monday I didn't have Buzz and Aiden together too much. When I did eventually let Buzz in, Aiden stayed pretty far away on his own accord. He didn't run from Buzz, but he didn't run up and give him love like he usually does. It has been that way since. I think my son learned a huge lesson of respect for the dog. He did rough house once with Buzz and I reminded him that he can't kick the dog or pull the dogs leg just because he is mad at him or Buzzie will bite him. I think we are going to keep Buzz and once our mortgage crap is all sorted out, I am thinking about dog training. We need to nip the food aggression in the bud. I have been a lot harder with Aiden and how he interacts with the dog since. I realize I can't blame the dog for doing what dogs do in their packs. So I am almost better off training Aiden about safety and dogs. We have told him over and over not to hit the dog and not to touch or go ne ar Buzzie while he is eating. For the most part Aiden won't but since Buzzie was eating his food, I think it was natural instinct for Aiden to want to stop him. So we have spent the last couple of days going over the do's and don'ts. Any time food or snacks are out now, the dog goes outside too. I am not risking it any more. You probably think I am nuts to keep the dog and maybe I am, but I wouldn't feel good if I didn't give him one more chance. Buzz has a new found respect for Peter now, since Peter beat the crap out of the dog right after it happened. Before then, Buzzie never listened to Peter, but he sure as heck does now. I myself am torn between training by positive reinforcement and negative consequences. Even when we were house training him, I couldn't just let his peeing on the floor go with out a scolding and a swat, but ofcourse I gave lots of praise when he did go outside. I tried initially to house break with only positive reinforcement and it wasn't working. As soon as I started swatting him and holding him by the scruff of his neck while telling him NO POTTY he stopped peeing and pooping on the floor. He is a very strong willed, stubborn dog. Any ways enough rambling. No worries aobut Aiden he is fine.