lack of friendships = lonliness

I dragged my butt to school today. I had to talk myself into going and out of staying home. I was exhausted but glad I went. I ended up getting a 4 7/8 out of 5 on my essay. Talk about nit picky. Never heard of 4 and 7/8 before. So I was 1/8 away from a 5? Based on what, a misspelled word or something? Hmmm, I am not complaining but it is just odd to me. My next math test is on Thursday next week. I am confident I will do well again. I love doing my math homework. That is the strangest thing to ever come out of my mouth. I have always hated it and cried so many school nights because I just didn't get "it". Now I get it.

I see a lot of people from AA and from last semester at school. You would think I could strike up a friendship with one of them but I don't. Sometimes I think I am so retarded. I long for friendships, I am lonely with out them, but I am afraid of getting hurt, again. I am also afraid to get to know some one for fear they won't like me. Over the last 10 to 15 years friends have come and gone. Mostly due to my drinking and drug use. They usually got tired of me and distanced themselves. The exception was Auntie prozac since I cut the ties there.

I had close friends from work but when my mom was dying I went off the deepend and shortly after my marriage I went off the deepend again and that is when I lost all my friends at the time. Everyone just got tired of me calling them up drunk all the time saying woe is me, blah, blah, blah. This was one friend I had maintained for over 10 years. We met working together. The other friends were from AA in Elk grove. Then when I started getting cleaned up I moved to the other side of Sacto. County and made and kept a friend there. I actually had two but I only tried to maintain the one. She ended up moving to Marysville to her then boyfriend's house so I thought we would still be friends. When I had my son though , our relationship suffered. Guess she felt like we had nothing in common any more. Afterall she is about 17 years younger than me. Well we saw each other a few times once she moved here and we called each other a few times. Then she just stopped returning my calls. What would happen is every time I relapsed, Peter would call my girlfriend and tell her. I don't know if he was looking for advise or sympathy or answers, but he had no place doing that. Despite me telling him not to, he continued. Then I stopped hearing from her at all. I ran into her at a meeting one Sunday a long while back and that is when she said she is getting married and that we would be invited. As it turned out, her wedding last year was the same weekend as father's day and Peter didn't want to go all the way up to Reno and back in one night, in order to make it to his parent's house that Sunday. So, we let her know through a mutual friend, that we were not going. I had intended on getting her a gift, but then I let time slip away and I let my my resentment build, so that after a while I no longer wanted to present her with a gift or see her.

I haven't clicked with any of our neighbors either. All the women work, but on the weekends and nice evenings I do see them. We just speak briefly and let our kids play together. We haven't invited any one over to get to know them like we should. Peter isn't so much interested in finding new friends. I think he is happy with the amount of friends he already has and the time he allots for them. I have met a few women at the women's Fri. night meetings that invited me to go to their jewelry making house parties, but I declined. I felt codependant to Peter and my son and scared too. Now that I think about it, there is one woman on the corner who doesn't work. She is very nice and we have talked for quite a while in my driveway when she get's her mail. Once she said, come on over any time, I am almost always home. My hold back is this. She is much older. Her daughter is grown and out of the house and her husband is retired. He drinks too. I haven't seen her drinking like I have him (he carries a bud can around with him from time to time) but I would guess that she does too. Then there is a lady around the corner from the bay area who has two kids, a boy and a girl. The boy is a little older than Aiden and the girl is quite a bit older but loves to play with Aiden. My hold back there is that she is the wife of the vice president of our housing development. What does that have to do with anything? I feel less than her already. Their house is so much nicer than ours. Besides what the hell am I going to talk about. Hey nice weather we are having huh? See I am a social retard. This is why I never wanted Aiden to grow up an only child and we let him and Seiji play together as much as possible. So he doesn't tur out like me.