Sometimes I wonder why the hell I write here any more. They say writing is therapeutic but then I look at my life in black and white and I get to actually see how boring my life really is.

With that said I got an A on my second math test. I will find out tomorrow what I got on the first draft of my second essay. I was also informed that a second financial aid check is due out in April some time. I am so curious to see how much it is. Ofcourse I hand em straight over to Peter but still I feel a sense of accomplishment.

Peter and Aiden are having a contest at night to see who can keep me awake the longest by having coughing fits. I set Peter up last night on the couch in a semi upright/recline postion with the vaporizer going. He didn't cough as bad. Right before he fell asleep he said he was so freakin miseable and exhausted that he could cry and as he said it I could hear his voice cracking like he was crying. I felt so bad. He is still tired today but did manage a little sleep. He said it was hard to sleep sitting up because it was uncomfortable but he knew if he layed down he would just cough. He should have gone to the dr to get codeine. I took Aiden to the dr expecting him to rx cough syrup with codeine but instead he sent me home with samples of singulair. It didn't do either of them much good. Iguess Aiden coughed a little less but not much.

My dad is becoming an old softy. He was never one to show sadness an nevr cried except when mom died. Well he was talking about a country wesetern song about a man talking to his boy and asking him where he learned a 4 letter word and the boy said from you dad. Then he saw his boy praying and asked him where he learned hat and he said from you dad. So any way my dad got all choked up over it ad wanted to buy the CD for Peter. Aww I thought that was so sweet.

We had planned to go to the Jelly Belly Factory on Fri. but didn't because Peter got sick. So much for doing something on my spring break. Ah I shouldn't complain. It was still nice having Peter around for a long weekend. I do appreciate his company even though I sure bitch about him a lot.

My dad is coming over today to watch Aiden because I need to do an essay and I waited to the last minute. Ahhhh I won't be doing that again. I thought i had til Thurs but it is due tomorrow. Crap.

Auntie Maria

Divine intervention

Chris, Peter's ex-wife, took Maria to check out a clean and sober transitional house that is right by the psychiatric/chemical dependancy treatment facility that she was going to daily. Her social worker found this property and the lady who owns it approved Maria and her dog to live there. It is $700 or $750 a month and includes, water, sewer garbage and food. The front and back yards are fenced in. There isn't any one living there yet. Maria is moving in today. I asked Chris if she could take Maria and her Dog back to the house today and if she could write a check to the landlord for the pro -rated portion left for this month which came to $270. Chris said she could so I don't have to worry about a 2 hr drive there and a 2 hr drive back home. When she called on the ay back from looking at the new rental Maria's neighbor across the street from Cindy's said the authorites were there and had escorted Cindy out of the home and were changing the locks. The neighbor said if she needed to get her clothes and he dog out she had better get there soon. So Chris arrived just in time to get Maria's clothes and dog. The new rental has a bed and I believe is completely furnished. I am wondering though if it has pots and pans and the like. I know it has a washer and dryer but she may have to furnish her own laundry detergent. Well that can be handled later and so can getting the rest of hr things out of storage Chris was stopping by storage so Mari could get her other clothes and personal necessities for the time being.

The whole thing worked out well as far as I am concerned at it appeared to have happened not by chance but by divine intervention. I prayed out loud on the way home yesterday. I asked God to help guide us and help Maria find a place to live with her dog. We also prayed for her at the dinner table and I know that her dad, Chris and other family members have been praying for Maria. Wow talk about powerful.

No enabling here.

As it turns out Maria is having Chris help her today. I am glad because Chris knows a lot of people down there from family to church so she knows of atleast one woman that needs a room mate and she is also taking her to see the transitional home in South Sac today. Chris is a lot more compasionate towards Maria than I am. I know it is because she is new to dealing with Maria and her problems and she is very Christian like. I on the other hand don't buy into all of her bullshit. To enable her and coddle her is to kill her. Chris is a huge enabler both to her kids and other addicts/alcoholics. Afterall she put up with Peter shooting dope, spending all their money on doing dope and him fucking any thing that walked behind her back for 15 years. She says she did it for the kids. Actually Jared was the only kid and while her and Peter were separated they did nasty and she got pregnant with Andrew. 6 months after Andrew was born she met her current husband and tey have been together ever since. I bet she got together with him out of necessity too. A single mom with two kids having to raise them alone because the dad is off being stupid. She finally stopped letting Peter see the kids because it wasn't safe any more. So it takes her a while to finally say enough. I don't pretend to understand what Maria is going through and I don't show a whole lot of sympathy because she got herself into this mess. She is NOT a victim like she likes to think of herself. The sooner she starts taking resposibility for the things that happen to her the sooner shewill get better. I am good at though love and I think that is why I am a good parent and why I will make a good nurse. I can detach but still have a good bedside manner.

Denial is not a river in Egypt

Peter's sister has known for about a month that the woman she lives with and rents a room from, was having her home foreclosed and that they were going to be evicted. She didn't save money to move. Didn't start looking and I mean really looking to move til the end of last week. I found out yesterday that the day they are supposed to be out is Tues. I had already offered assistance to Maria to pack and move her things or to come over to use our computer to look for a place. Well she said she kept being tlod by Cindy that those notices weren't legal and that they weren't getting evicted. She should never listen to that insane woman. She is a paranoid schizophrenic, bipolar with dual personalities. For real. Cindy has not packed one thing and while I dropped Maria back off at her house , Cindy's aunt came over to talk. Cindy wouldn't come out of her room so the aunt talked to us and we found out that Cindy took out an equity loan on a house that was completely paid for and inherited by her. She was not making payments on the equity loan and the aunt didn't know it. She could have helped Cindy but Cindy would not return her calls etc. The aunst said she went off her medication. Yeah she thinks that a woman sherriff comes over her house and sits in her garage to spy on her. This house had no lights. It had not been cleaned in any way for 20 years. There were 2 dogs and 4 cats living in the home and smelled like a piss and shit infested puss sore. The inside of the home was staked with piles of clutter all over and it was a maze to get from room to room. There big globs of dirt, grime, thick black, red and brown stains on the carpet and walls. Holes in most walls and doors. The bathroom had a toilet and shower but the sink and vanity was gone. Just a mirror was left on the wall. The inside of the house looked like the bacteria one could see on a slide under a microscope. His sister has always been suicidal but she chose to live there becaus of the dog. I told her any one lving in that environment would be suicidal. The only way Peter or Uncle Solar would let her stay for a temporary time was with out this pit bull like dog. She will not put him down so she is waiting til tomorrow to see if the cops come at 6 am to kick them out and change the locks. We did go and get a storage unit for her today, using the majority of the $200 she had left for the rest of the month. Where her fucking money goes I will never know. We believe she just expects her family to foot her bills all the time. Typically Ojiichan has. He is enabling her ight into the grave. We, as in me, Peter's ex wife and Maria, loaded three truck loads into her storage. Then we went to lunch and chatted for a while. Any ways tonight Maria says she remembers this clean and sober place in South Sac. (gang city, hell hole, shit town, roach infested, crime oozing, gun shots flying part of town) that would take her and her dog. So that is probably where I am taking her tomorrow. She is all upset, feeling like she is forced to put her dog down but we have been telling her for years to move out of that shit hole. I feel bad for her on one hand and mad at her on the other. I was not very sympathetic. I did tell her that lack of planning on her part does not constitute an emergency on our part. I also told her that I have to support Peter in his decisions as I agree with him. I do not want that dog around my family but she is welcome to stay with us TEMPORARILY. She doesn't ant to live all the way up here. She says there is nothing up here for her. What the fuck. There is nothing down there for her. Same with Unclse Solar. He offered her to tay temporarily but with out the dog. She said she didn't want to live with him because he is telling her she has to have a plan and to keep moving toward that plan. Then she will start crying and say but I don't have a plan. I said Maria, he is just asking you to have a plan like go get a job, looking for a permanent home, etc etc. Those are not too hard of rules. But I think she just wants an excuse to fuck off and stay miserable, poor me, provide for me because I have a mental illness and can't function without this damn dog and this depression. I told Peter part of me wants to say fine let her fall flat on hr face. Maybe that will be her bottom and make her willing to change but there is always that fear of her committing suicide. Peter found her one time hanging from the rafters in their garage when they lived together many many years ago. They both were shooting dope. As far as I know she has been clean and sober for a few months now but who knows after tomorrow.

Liar, Liar pants on Fire.

Yesterday we went to Ojiichan's to celebrate Baba's birthday. It was on the 15th and Andrew's was on the 13th. He only got Andrew a card last weekend with a $40.00 check. Then over the weekend he gave him new pair of shoes. I felt bad because here I get this big beautiful necklace that cost more than both of Andrew's put together. But it is Andrew's fault. He either loses, get's it lost or stolen or loans his things out and never gets them back. Which actually was brought up yesterday. Peter asked if Andrew still had his Ipod, the one Heather bought him for Christmas and he said no his cousin Josh stole it. I said I knew it because his cousin Nicki wrote on Andrews Myspace, "Josh thanks you for the Ipod." So any way Peter say where is the guitar I bought you. He claimed it was at home. I said oh the brown one and he said no he had loaned the brown one out to a guy he didn't even know and the guy never gave it back. Andrew doesn't know where he lives or his number. So Peter wasn't happy about that even though he didn't pay for the brown one. So I said oh then it was the blue one that your dad bought. At that Point Heather had already asked which one Peter bought and I knew something was fishy about it. So he claims that the blue one which Cost $400 is at home. Any way they were supposed to come up today, Heather and Andrew that is and we get a call from Heather not even Andrew saying she feels like shit and won't be driving up. She did look and sound bad yesterday due to allergies. But we get a call later from Christine Peter's ex wife and she says that Andrew never came home last night and him and Heather and Dan came strolling in around noon and they all crashed asleep in Andrews room which by the way he shares with Jared now. She said the room was tore up and she was mad. So Peter asks her where the blue guitar is and she said her and Ken (current hubby) asked him the same thing not to long ago and Andrew told them it was at our house. So then Peter was really pissed off told her to confront Andrew about it because he is a lying little shit. We don't know how the confrontation went yet.

No she is not pregnant. Thank God

Oh and I forgot

Miss Christina called Peter last night to tell him that she called Jared last night and asked if he would get back together with her. He has made huge strides as of late. He got his driver's licence back, he goes to NA and AA meetings all the time, he works full time now at Lowes and he started dance lessons. I guess he has been paying his bills and is back on track. Christina was impressed with this I guess and wants to get back together again. I really am expecting her to hurt him again, but I pray that when it does happen that Jared is a stonger man. Maybe it is mean spirited to think negatively about her still but I just don't see them staying together.

Is a huge fear coming to life?

I have always feared that Peter's older boys would get their girlfriend's pregnant at too early of an age and that Peter and I would get stuck footing the bill on the grandchild. I don't see the step dad jumping in as they always complain of never having money. Even though Peter is still paying child support on both boys. Even though the oldest is in his 20's Peter agreed to pay his until Andrew turned 18 as part of making up for past child support due.

Anyways I was looking at Andrew's girlfriends blog. And her newest blog post says, "I think I am pregnant and I don't know what to do." So I sent an email saying Please tell me you aren't pregnant. I called Peter and told him and advised him to not call Chris, his ex, or Andrew right away. I said let's give Heather a chance to respond first before we freak out. Oh boy, if she isn't pregnant, that girl and me are gonna have one long talk. Well I am gonna do some talking any way. She may tell me to fuckoff but I don't care. I have never been one to care if I am the kids best friend or not. I tell it like it is and if they hate me then so be it. I am not afraid of them. Heather likes to sound tough and bitchy but underneath she is an insecure, kind, scared and caring soul. I suppose that is why I have taken a liking to her. She reminds me of me when I was younger.

I am not caring about my anonymity much any more these days. So I thought I would add the link of the Newspaper photo-journal story of Peter and his sobriety. I still am very proud of him. Bad housewife that I am, I still need to get the full story and picture framed.

Pooped

I am pretty certain I got an A on my test today. After class I came home, ate lunch and took a nap. Iswear the older I get (premenopausal) the worse my periods are. I am going on the pill again that is all there is too it. I am so friggin tired.

After I picked up Aiden I forced myself to go outside to water plants and take a walk. Now I am pooped so we are having pot pies for dinner.

Leter to my frigid self centered dick head man

I wasn't mad at you I suppose but irritated I guess. It isn't exactly comfortable hearinf you ask your EX love's daughter questions about your EX love. I still think part of the reason YOU have problems with sex is because of that fucking bitch. You aren't over her or some shit like that. I feel like I get get hung from a rope that was intended for some one else.

I am sick and tired of a fucking non existant sex life Peter. Ain't nothing new. Been bitching for 5 years ain't like you are going to do a damn thing about it. You would rather just see me leave than take some action to change or do something for some one else (me) instead of yourself for a change. Do you think I give you head because I like it? No I do it FOR you. But no you are so self centered you can't be bothered.

Mr. Eccentric himself

Yesterday was Andrew's 16th birthday. I wished him a happy sweet 16th birthday on the phone and told him that I hoped all his birthday wishes came true. Asked if he felt older nd he said, yes, now aI can get a job. He sounded thrilled at the prospect so I wished him luck in his efforts. With his appearance, he is going to need it. You know, the face pearcings and the mohawk takes a special place to be hiring some one that looks like that. Thank heavens he is a good looking kid. Any way, the real shocker is he said, I love you to me before we got off the phone. he has never initiated an I love you to me. He has said I love you too, after I said it, but never first. I told his dad and his dad said, "wow, he must be feeling good."

Birthday party

Peter had a little birthday party for me yeseterday, held at his parents house. My dad, who is back from Mexico, came with Monti. Baba's daughter and her two sons came, both Jared and Andrew along with Andrew's girlfriend and even Quin. Although Quin's daddy was out of state for work. I guess he is coming over today though.

Peter ad I both wish he wasn't today as we need the rest and privacy but uncle Solar likes coming up I guess and hanging out with us. I personally think that because he misses having a woman around, that he likes coming here, because I wait on him while he and Peter sit on the couch and vegetate in front of the tv. Although, Peter is putting him to work today, helping clean out the fish tank. It is too bad that my ex sponser had relapsed. I think I would have hooked the two of them up. But then again, she wouldn't have had her foster son taken away. It would almost be perfect though. She has no children of her own but wants them. I just don't think they she would be up for being a house wife/stay at home mom like uncle Solar would prefer. She is a big wig analyst for the state. He does like his women smart though. I will wait a while before I mention it to him or her or maybe not. I don't even know what his or her type is other than he likes his women smart.

I made out like a fat rat yesterday. I got a $100 gift card for Gottschalk's and $100 check (the usual) from my dad, and even though I told Peter not to buy me anything, he bought me a beautiful necklace. It is a tear drop shape of my birthstone, aquamarine, with diamonds all the way around the edge. I know if I took a pic it wouldn't turn out. So this is what it looks like, except that it is an aquamarine and I am SURE a lot less expensive. What the heck is a Tanzanite and why is it so expensive. Something to google when I get done.

HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! YEAH I ACTUALLY MADE IT.

lack of friendships = lonliness

I dragged my butt to school today. I had to talk myself into going and out of staying home. I was exhausted but glad I went. I ended up getting a 4 7/8 out of 5 on my essay. Talk about nit picky. Never heard of 4 and 7/8 before. So I was 1/8 away from a 5? Based on what, a misspelled word or something? Hmmm, I am not complaining but it is just odd to me. My next math test is on Thursday next week. I am confident I will do well again. I love doing my math homework. That is the strangest thing to ever come out of my mouth. I have always hated it and cried so many school nights because I just didn't get "it". Now I get it.

I see a lot of people from AA and from last semester at school. You would think I could strike up a friendship with one of them but I don't. Sometimes I think I am so retarded. I long for friendships, I am lonely with out them, but I am afraid of getting hurt, again. I am also afraid to get to know some one for fear they won't like me. Over the last 10 to 15 years friends have come and gone. Mostly due to my drinking and drug use. They usually got tired of me and distanced themselves. The exception was Auntie prozac since I cut the ties there.

I had close friends from work but when my mom was dying I went off the deepend and shortly after my marriage I went off the deepend again and that is when I lost all my friends at the time. Everyone just got tired of me calling them up drunk all the time saying woe is me, blah, blah, blah. This was one friend I had maintained for over 10 years. We met working together. The other friends were from AA in Elk grove. Then when I started getting cleaned up I moved to the other side of Sacto. County and made and kept a friend there. I actually had two but I only tried to maintain the one. She ended up moving to Marysville to her then boyfriend's house so I thought we would still be friends. When I had my son though , our relationship suffered. Guess she felt like we had nothing in common any more. Afterall she is about 17 years younger than me. Well we saw each other a few times once she moved here and we called each other a few times. Then she just stopped returning my calls. What would happen is every time I relapsed, Peter would call my girlfriend and tell her. I don't know if he was looking for advise or sympathy or answers, but he had no place doing that. Despite me telling him not to, he continued. Then I stopped hearing from her at all. I ran into her at a meeting one Sunday a long while back and that is when she said she is getting married and that we would be invited. As it turned out, her wedding last year was the same weekend as father's day and Peter didn't want to go all the way up to Reno and back in one night, in order to make it to his parent's house that Sunday. So, we let her know through a mutual friend, that we were not going. I had intended on getting her a gift, but then I let time slip away and I let my my resentment build, so that after a while I no longer wanted to present her with a gift or see her.

I haven't clicked with any of our neighbors either. All the women work, but on the weekends and nice evenings I do see them. We just speak briefly and let our kids play together. We haven't invited any one over to get to know them like we should. Peter isn't so much interested in finding new friends. I think he is happy with the amount of friends he already has and the time he allots for them. I have met a few women at the women's Fri. night meetings that invited me to go to their jewelry making house parties, but I declined. I felt codependant to Peter and my son and scared too. Now that I think about it, there is one woman on the corner who doesn't work. She is very nice and we have talked for quite a while in my driveway when she get's her mail. Once she said, come on over any time, I am almost always home. My hold back is this. She is much older. Her daughter is grown and out of the house and her husband is retired. He drinks too. I haven't seen her drinking like I have him (he carries a bud can around with him from time to time) but I would guess that she does too. Then there is a lady around the corner from the bay area who has two kids, a boy and a girl. The boy is a little older than Aiden and the girl is quite a bit older but loves to play with Aiden. My hold back there is that she is the wife of the vice president of our housing development. What does that have to do with anything? I feel less than her already. Their house is so much nicer than ours. Besides what the hell am I going to talk about. Hey nice weather we are having huh? See I am a social retard. This is why I never wanted Aiden to grow up an only child and we let him and Seiji play together as much as possible. So he doesn't tur out like me.

Blogger buddy

Hey crazy aunt. Dont' shoot me but I did it again. I erased your email that had your blogger and myspace address'. Are you writing any more? Even if you are not, let me know how you, hubby and kids are.

still sick

I am still sick. I re read my attendance requirements for school. If I miss one more class, I get the boot. Shit. I am going tomorrow no matter what. I still don't have energy and my throat still hurts but I don't ache like I was. It sure feels good to get rest or sleep during the day. Aiden seems to be doing much better. He still gets a bit tired and isn't eating like normal, but he is eating.

Goings on

I get to find out my essay grade tomorrow. At worst I will stay at a B, but it sure would be nice to get an A.

I know I should be sleeping now but I can't. I think it was from too much of doing nothing today and I was dozing from 1:30 to 4 this afternoon. I am tired and sleepy but I can't stop the thinker from thinking.

We had an okay weekend. Jared came over this weekend and so did Uncle Solar, Seiji and Quin. We bought a Wii Sat night so the kids had fun playing. We gave Jared our extra laptop computer. Boy was he happy. I even got thank you email because I was in bed when Peter drove him home so he didn't get the chance. Aiden want's to play the Wii sports game but just isn't coordinated enough so that means I can't play it or he throws a fit. I tried helping him but he is Mr. Independant and doesn't want the help. He would rather do it wrong over and over and over. Drives me and Peter nuts when he does that. He does it with computer games that are too hard.

I turn 40 on Fri. I guess we are going to Ojiichan's for dinner and cake. My dad is coming home on Thursday from his annual trip to Mexico. We are going to invite my dad and Monti over there. We may even celebrate Andrews bday the same day like we have done in the past. Usually we have the party at our house but it still is too much for Ojiichan to drive that far.

I let Aiden eat his dinner at the computer table while he watched a movie. I kept a large barf bowl by him just in case. When I went in to check on him, he had rice and fresh made apple, carrot, blueberry juice all over the floor. It looked like he had thrown up in the bowl but he told me he had spit. Boy I was mad. He got a time out and lost his computer privileges for the night. This floor needs a professional cleaning that is for sure.

I have been reading the following student nurse blogs lately. Nurse 1 and Nurse 2. They give me so much inspiration. Especially the one gal who is in her 40's and has kids. If she can do It I can too.

Aiden's first stomache flu

Yes Aiden is sick again. He has been sick non stop for over a month and when I feel better I am taking him to the dr. He woke up i the middle of the night Sat., vomiting all over. Poor kid. We stripped his bed and then made a bed on the floor of our bedroom where he slept until the next am. I awoke Sun, feeling like I had the flu. Aiden had a high temp all day Sun., but no vomiting. Today I thought we were in the clear as he had no fever and acted fine. He still wasn't eating but downed some soy milk. All of it came back up all over and I mean, all over the computer room floor. I eve caught a bunch in my hands to run to the sink with. Sorry so vivid. Thank God that stuff doesn't boter me. I am feeling a bit better than I did when I first woke up. Peter is coming home early today with a carpet cleaner. Hopefully we will be asleep and won't need help. I am letting Aiden eat crackers and water with clear soup. The advise nurse said not to give him food for 8 hrs and only a little liquid for 4 hrs, increasing after that. I have a feeling I will regret giving him food ,but the little guy really hasn't eaten much since Sat. I don't want him feeling hungry.

flu bug

I have the flu and this is about all the energy I have, to type.

I did it

I went and had my hair professionally colored back to my natural color. Actually it is a bit darker but it is an espresso brown. Wow what a difference. My hair was a faded out sort of orange color, from the fading of previous light brown coloring over the last few years. This darker color seems to bring out my eyes more and makes my skin not so reddish looking. I hope Peter likes it. He was the one who told me to go back to my natural color, which he had never seen on me. My natural color gets sun washed and is a lot lighter than espresso but my roots are definately that dark so that is how I ended up with the darker color.

I got my very first email from Peter's oldest son, yesterday. It was an inspirational card which encourages us to embrace who we want to be and what we want to be by using our mind body and soul. I guess that is how I would some it up. It talked about invisioning your goals as you already achiving them for them to actually happen. Interestingly enough I have been doing just that in regards to college and becoming a nurse. I am already seeing myself as a college grad and a nurse. I am not talking just completing the nursing program but actually getting my AS degree in nursing. I know I can do it and I know believing this is key. I do not see any obstacles in my way either. I am smart enough and will do well in school. See, that is how it's done and with a lot of hard work, one day at a time.

I have a late late afternoon dr appt and then I can go pick up Aiden. He got all gussied up today for pictures. So I finally have him professionally photographed at age three. So what if I am only 4 months late. He wore his grey cords, white turtle neck and black argyle vest. Should turn out good.