tests, Forgiveness

I am pretty certain I got a D or an F on my Mock final and an A on my math test. I used to suck at math. It isn't that I am not good a reading, I am bad at retention. I studied for the mock final. I focused on the big picture instead of the details with in each of the groups. Ofcourse, the assignment was to write about the details on one group and it was a group that I did not remember. We were to come up with 3 to 5 examples. I thought I cam up with 3 but after I left and looked at the book two ideas I discussed were part of the same example. So I only came up with 2 and that is either a d or an f by itself, not to mention how horribly written it was. I was at a loss for words really. The topic was boring anyway, The problems and cultural differences in dealing with international business. We were to write about the importance of work and 3 to 5 examples of the differences. After I looked I felt really stupid for not remembering. I was the first one to get up and leave. I didn't want to sit there anymore staring at my paper or the wall. It just wasn't doing any good.

On a different subject matter, I have been reading, "Get Out of That Pit", by Beth Moore, "Straight Talk about God's Deliverence" I have never been a spiritual or religious guru. I have been interested in becoming more spiritual, closer to God and to rely more on God (faith). One of the ways she explains for us to get out of the pit, is to forgive those who did us wrong. You all know my ex shit on me again and again. I have been carrying him around with me, where ever I go, because of this resentment and that is the last thing I want to do. "when I began to see my grudge against people who hurt me only strengthened the grip of my bondage to them."So I have not gotten out of the section yet that explains how to forgive. From what I gathered is that I have to be willing to forgive and God will do the rest. "Forgiveness is not about feeling. It's about willing." "In the power of Jesus, first you will it and soon you'll feel it." Well I listed in my head the wrongs he did and then asked God for willingness to forgive." Not an easy feat. Yesterday I thought about him and I didn't have that tinge of ander attached to it. That was a first. In fact I really didn't feel anything. Today on the other hand, I thought about how this drop dead gorgeous girl came to stay with us right after we married. his brotehr arranged for it because she was touring the world. Well he bent overbackwards to impress this girl. We went up to our time share in Tahoe and he paid for her room (shared with us and separated into two room), meals and show. I was not drinking, he knew I was an alcoholic but went off with that tramp, leaving me bymyself and had a drink with her because he didn't ant her to feel like she was drinking alone. What? What about not drinking with me in support of me? So after that thought I got all pissed off at him again. I have these thoughts weekly and I am so sick and tired of having him tied to me constantly. I want to be done with him for good. I know I am better off with out him and all I ever wanted was for him to acknowledge his wrong doings but he never would. He always insisted that he wasn't a liar and that he did nothing wrong. I confronted him about his behavior with that girl and told him I was jealous. He slammed me up against the wall and told me married couples don't get jealous that there was something wrong with me. I drove to my dads house that night pissed off and went there to drink. Many years later he told me she gave him head that night. I don't know if he said that to piss me off or if it was true. For years he claimed to have never cheated on me. Oh I pray to God for the willingness to forgive him. Forgivenss does not mean that what he did was right, it means that I am giving God the solitary right to vengeance. I also know from somewhere in the bible it says that in order to be forgiven we must forgive and I want forgiveness for my sins. I also want to forgive myself and that I think is the hardest thing to do of all.
Anyway, I love this book. I also want to get the Secret. I think that is what it's called. I do a little bit of what it talks about by seeing myself as a graduate, as a nurse, as a good mother, as clean and sober. as a good wife, etc.