Saddam the frigging pig hanged

Saddam is getting hanged tonight or tomorrow AM. He deserves to be tortured first but atleast he is getting hanged. I suppose that isn't one of the most pleasant ways to die.

Book review

Oh I forgot to mention that I read Stephen Kings new book Lisey's Story and it was excellent. Not quite as good as Cell but nevertheless it made me want to pick it up and read it all the time. I am now on Bag of Bones which came out during my drug addiction period most likely so I wasn't reading then.

Live wire

When I bought Peter the espresso maker, I didn't think about whether I would be making them for myself during the day but I have, every day. I make myself Latte's and cappuccino's. Then I make after dinner espresso's and cappaccino's for the two of us. I think Peter is enjoying his gift even though he isn't the one operating it. When I was awake at 5 am yesterday I offered to make him one before work but he had already had 3 cups of coffee and passed. Thank heavens for the muscle relaxer or we would never get to sleep at night. I can feel myself vibrating now oh wait that was my foot on the hard drive, never mind.

I thought having two computers in the same room was a total waste but when Jared and Andrew are over they are both glued to them and now with Aiden's new games I can sit here and do my thing while he plays his games.

Drama, jared, step kids

Andrew and the GF are coming tomorrow. Peter put me on the friggin spot this week and asked me if Heather can come spend the night with Andrew while he still had Andrew on the phone. Yes I know he did that on purpose and I said I suppose. It is just much easier than fighting it. I don't want a great big huge fight like last time. I will give him the chance to hang himself. He will at some point or another, I know, because he is a teen boy with raging hormones and she, a teen with raging hormones. Peter doesn't give a shit as long his boy spends time with him.

Jared has been calling Peter every day practically and has been talking to him about everything. Peter is thrilled obviously and he got a call this am thanking Peter for his love and support. Ahh now that I would say makes up for the lack of a Christmas gift any day. Peter asked me to call him and check in but his kids don't like me so I always feel an awkward silence on the other end when I call and talk. I end up doing all the talking and they sort of grunt on the other end. It is a discomfort I would rather not put myself in. Plus it is pretty obvious I don't like his ex girlfriend and Jared knows it. I sent him that email about her having the camera still and hiding it. He obviously sent it to her or told her about it for me to get that nasty email from her. He is still trying to win her heart back and Peter is trying ever so hard to get Jared's focus off of the "girl" as he so affectionately refers to her. Jared lost a friend, the one that lives with the dude that fucked his ex and lives next door to her, but was no friend any way. This friend got Jared the job he is working at and then when he (the not friend) was supposed to show up for work didn't, leaving jared to cover the dudes shift. He got tired of that and told the boss. Now the ex friend got fired and blames Jared for it. Immature little twat. Jared's ex called him yesterday saying he is talking shit about Jared and she would know since she is still seeing the dude that she fucked. Poor Jared is being strung along by that bitch and he doesn't even know it. I guess this neighbor guy has no job and nothing going for him so she is telling Jared that is why she won't date him but I don't hear about it stopping her from going over there and doing the flirty flirt thing. Just Christmas day the dude that got fired was saying that Christina and the loser guy were hanging out together. it is like watching a soap opera and makes me so grateful I am an adult and out of that teen crap that goes on. Wheww don't miss those days.

Great Christmas

We all had a great Christmas. Aiden especially. Both of the older boys were with us all the way through Christmas morning. My only disappointment was for Peter, that Jared didn't even get him one gift after Peter gave him $100 to spend on gifts for people and Andrew who also got $100 to spend on people gave his dad a $20 sears card. WTF Jared however did buy a gift for the skank with the money...grrr. These kids are thoughtless and self centered. As far as I know Andrew and his gf are coming back up over the weekend. yippee. Well atleast Andrew isn't as bad now that he is clean and sober. He doesn't pull a bunch of bullshit and hangs around the house playing on myspace. Shit all of them put their blogs on private so I can't tell what is going on now. I think they did it because they figured out I was looking at them and alos because Jared is now ex friends with some of the guys that have screwed him over so he deleted his and started up a new one but put it on private too. I coul tell how they were doing by looking at those things. Any ways.....

Poor Aiden caught a cold from his cousin most likely who came over here so uncle solar could use me as a babysitter. Seiji had booger nose the entire time he was here. He did on Christmas as well so I am not certain when he contracted the virus but had it full blown the day after Christmas. He is laying on the couch as I type. He has so many toys this year he doesn't know which ones to play with. His favorite was the Thomas the Train Legos. I even have fun with that one. We bought a smaller Thomas set for him that I think I will take over to his grandparents house. Not sure yet. After Christmas was over I was lying in bed putting Aiden down to sleep and he says, "Mama, how does Santa come down the chimney? What do you think Santa is doing now?" Isn't that precious. I told him Magic and that Santa is most likely seeping because he is so tired from delivering all those presents around the world.

I hope Cali and Renee and Crazy aunt all had a great Christmas. I didn't send cards out this year Renee so yours didn't get lost in the mail. That was the reason for the brief email. I did get yours though and your family is just precious as usual.

Check in

What a day. Babysat Seiji so Uncle Solar could Christmas shop. Quin was here too and helped out. The boys fought a lot as usual but still had a good time. Didn't see Peter much today as he worked in Hayward and then went shopping too.

He is on his way to pick up his oldest son and both Jared and Andrew will be spending al the way through Christmas morning/afternoon with us. Andrew has been clean and sober around 30 days or so and Jared and the butt munch are still broke up. He is doing really well at his new job, selling phones and is getting his own store soon.

Cookie dough up the wazzooo

I wanted to make Christmas cookies. So I pulled out a cookie cookbook and selected Finnish Christams cookies. I followed the directions to a T and the damned dough would not stick together. I had to try to slide a knife underneath to lift them onto the pan and even that barely worked. It was supposed to make about 72 cookies. I backed one batch of mishaped mess that is still falling apart afer cooked. Fucker..it was supposed to be full proof tested. I feel like writing to the publisher and telling them they could take the rest of my cookie dough and shove up their asses, but it would fall apart before it got there.

It is driving me crazy not knowing my grade. I am almost tempted to call my teacher and the only thing holding me back is I don't want to bug him since he is most likely working on every one's grades not just mine. I am sure he would like his holiday like everyone else. In a way I wish I could take three classes next semester. Now that I know I can do it I want to go gung ho. Peter doesn't want me to though because Aiden is our number one priority so until he goes to kindergarten I will still be a part time student. I am hopeful to get a check to pay for books soon. I guess they don't get issued til the first week of school though.

We are still not finished Christmas shopping and I guess we will do it tonight. He said the stores stay open til midnight. Every year we say we won't leave stuff for the last minute but we do. It is because we hold out for his bonus. I think we will end up spending more than what his bonus is. I keep telling him not to get me anything because I have already got my present, perfume, make up, a ring, pj's and a down alternative comforter. Jokingly I told him to get me a dooney and burke purse and he actually looked on the internet last night for it. I told him really not to because I just got a new purse recently.

I was going to take Aiden in to his school today for a Christmas party but he was still awake last night at midnight wanting to finally eat his dinner. He didn't get up til 9:30 this am and so I decided I wouldn't tkae him. He enjoys being at home playing his Puter games any way. I thought about baking Toll house cookies and still haven't decided if I want to be lazy today or not. It is really nice outside so I will most likely Let Aiden drive his tractor on the street today. I get my exercise that way since I have to jog to keep up.

I feel like all I do any more on this blog is ramble on about nothingness. My sponser told me to journal every day so I am doing it here instead of in writing where nosey butt can get his hands on it.

Not so lazy day

I was a cleaning freak today. I finally fizzled out around 4:00 and took a shower. Aiden took a late nap and Peter is coming home late. I could have taken him up on the offer to go to dinner tonight as a reward for my A's on my last two tests (not the final)but he is getting home way too late. I am just making curry for him and kung pao chicken for me. Both are alteady premade so it is just a matter of stir fry and heating up the curry packet. The only thing I am really making is the rice.

I didn't get finished with vacuuming the blinds. My vacuum has an attachment with a horse hair brush and it works wonders on the blinds. I have been doing it the hard way by hand since we moved in here and was reminded of it when we recently had a visit from the Kirby salesman. Mine is old old old but still runs so I can not justify spending $1800 on a new one. I am going to get it tuned up one of these days though because I know it doesn't quite do the job it used to. I did get all the floors cleaned today though and mopped all the tiles. I even scrubbed my shower down and I usually skip it. It was getting nasty though. That is a job that I like the least so I often neglect it.

Lazy day

My meeting with my sponser is cancelled today. I think I will take the time today to be lazy or at the very minimum clean house. I have a really bad head ache right now. Grr. Aiden is entertaining himself on his video game so I don't have to worry about him right now. I am not even going to take a shower until this afternoon. I finished up most of the Christmas wrapping last night. There must have been atleast 20 packages that I wrapped. Whew!!

Semester ended

My Christmas vacation officially starts today. I finished up my final and on the drive home I almost started crying. Not because I am sad but because I am proud of myself for completing the semester and doing well. I am not certain how I did on the test but I know I passed.

Now off to errands, nails, groceries, pick up Aiden, dinner, wrapping, etc., etc. I am not done shopping yet but I can do that after I meet with my sponser tomorrow and on Thursday while Aiden is at school.

bad bonus

Today is study day for my final tomorrow. It is a 2 hour long test. Whew. I believe I am getting an A in the class so I don't know why I am so worried. The high grade of the last test was 95 (my score) and the median was 73. Just like last time. I never could have dreamed getting such good grades.

Peter got his Christmas bonus on Friday. He also got yelled at by his boss for not being a team player, yada yada yada. Never mind the fact that Peter brings in millions for the company. Any way his bonuses are usually really good and around $9 or $10,000. This year it was a slap in his face and the lowest in the 4 years he has been there. $1200. He is now looking for a new employer. His boss just pushed too far this time around. His boss swears at him like there is no tomorrow and Peter just doesn't deserve it. He works damn hard for that company, often working late even from home. I am not just saying all that because he is my man, he is really good at what he does. I called him today and told him I hope he has a better day today than Friday and that his family loves him very much and hopefully it makes it all worth the while.

I got a note this am saying that he is glad that we are sleeping together again finally and that it makes him feel closer to me. I have been sleeping with Aiden for 3 years. I know I know that is way too long. I didn't figure it mattered much since we never have sex before bed and Peter snores but it does. We have been cuddling and I don't sleep very good that way but I don't care. Atleast we are touching each other. The other night I had to scoot way way away from Peter just so I could get some sleep. Every time I moved over Peter would too, to touch me. I was just shy from falling off the bed. :)

Well back to studying.

Ojiichan, Jared's heartbroke again

I had forgotten to mention that Ojiichan was back in the hospital due to blood in his urine. Today was his 4th day. They are going up thru the urethra with a camera to see what the problem is. He may need surgery. We went and saw him and took Jared and auntie Maria with us today. Auntie is now living at MAD house now and will have 60 days clean this month and Andrew will have 30 days. Amiracle I tell you.

While we were at the hospital Jared talked to his buddy that lives with the dude that Christina slept with. You know the dude in the next apartment over. Any ways his buddy told Jared that Christina, who broke up with Jared because she had a lot going on at work and school and also because of Jared's irresponsibility, was with that same dude last night and wants to get togehter with him now. What did I say? Yes I said the bitch would just turn around and hurt Jared again. So need less to say Jared was near tears and very angry so I am not certain when he did it but apparently he talked to her and told her to fuck off, never call him or his family ever again. The poor guy will most likely call her tomorrow tell her he didn't mean it and ask if they can get back together. Peter told his son atleast he knows what is really going on and to move on. We tried to warn him of that when he spent the night last at our house, in a nice way ofcourse that she was probably going to be banging the neighbor again. I feel so terrible for him because he is so heart broken. Love is so blind and for reason I suppose. Other wise everyone would get a divorce.

Even as fucked up as my relationship is, I am kinda proud that we lasted longer than, Jennifer and Brad, Jennifer and Vince and most likely will beyond Brad and Angelina and Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes no matter how much better their sex life is than mine. We will have to wait and see.

Spooning

Last night I tried sleeping on our bed. I have been doing this for quite some time and have to leave if I can't get him to stop snoring. That is the reason I asked for a spare bed so I wouldn't have to sleep with Aiden or on the couch. Any ways last night wasn't so bad and I took a chance at spooning. Well it was reciprocated all night long and he even turned his alarm off and reset it for later, then crawled back in bed. I hae a feeling it was more due to lack of sleep. Neithe of us are used to touching some one so close and having to wake your partner up to switch positions. Any ways I thanked him for it this morning because it was nice for a change.

I also saw my sponser today at a meeting so I will be calling her tomorrow and getting back on track with my program. She had breast cancer and just got done with reconstructive surgery. They took a muscle out of her back and put it on her breast. i didn't get to ask questions but it will be interesting what she says. My momther never had reconstruction. She had afalsy she put in her bra if at all. She was a double D and the fake one weighed too much.

Any ways enough of all that.

kisses

I caved and started kissing him again. The kisses were probably some of the better ones I have ever received but i truly havent been able to enjoy them or let them progress because I have been so bitter still. He left his meditation book open to a page which talked about bitterness so I left him a note and told him did he refer to his own self or just me. He won't answer me but I don't care.

My throat is really sore this afternoon and I just hope I am not getting sick. We don't have class tomorrow but I wanted to get more Christmas shopping done with Aiden at daycare. Peter is due to get his bonus some time this week and we both are very curious as to what it will be. If it is less than $10k he will be in a pissy mood. If it is only $2k I will be mad at his boss as usual. Peter works too hard and deserves a big bonus. It isn't about the money so much as it the principal and how rich he is making his boss.

apology

Apparently I was wrong about Peter reading my blog. I thought it was because someone with the same, internet service provider coming out of the same location looks at my blog and the way this person finds my blog is to type in key words from one the headings of my entries. As i looked closer it is someone out of Sac State

Any ways we are not doing much better. We had another big fight last night about same old same old. I told him that i did not know the reason he doesn't desire sex with me is because of all my relapses. i also told him that all this may be too late because i am no longer sexually attracted to him. i explained that i am still interested in sex just not with him because i have been hurt and rejected for so long. he got all pissed off about that which makes no sense to me because if a person gets to the point that they don't want to make love to their partner why the hell stay together? He also claimed that I never apologized to him before which i have and i remember we were in the car going over the highway 20 bridge and i listed all the things i had done wrong and that i was deeply sorry and that as i get to my 9th step it will be a more complete amends. So last night again i apologized for everything and told him the sad things is that in a year or less he will turn around and say i never said sorry to him. That is the way he is. Selective hearing all the time and another reason that i get so freakin pissed off at him. he only hears what he wants to hear.

I am getting an A still in my class. I had made up my test yesterday and got 95% and the quiz before that 100%. finals next week and then we are done. i am not going to go out and look for a job just yet. i am dong to good in school to give it all up just yet.

i can tell who views my blog

and i know from ip address and isp verizon that Peter has been reading my blog since about Friday.

hamster wheel

Apparently I was wrong about Peter not telling his family we got engaged. He said he told his kids and parents. I told him that i never heard him say anything to his family at all so I thought he didn't tell.

We got in the car alone on Sat and talked about why i have been so angry and depressed. I asked him if he could get honest and tell me why he doesn't want to have sex with me. He said it isn't so much that he doesn't want sex but that I have screwed him over so many times. Not only a few days ago he got all mad at me for carrying around a resentment against Christina. He said he didn't hold on to resentments. liar the whole reason we don't have sex is because he holds on to resentments. Until he learns to rid of the resentments our sex life will not get any better. i told him we are on our last leg and that I have no faith whatsoever that things will change between us. he can sit there and try to force himself to have sex with me but it will feel forced it will be unpassionate, mechanical and over in a matter of a few minutes. the truth of the matter also is that he is constantly resentful because he doesn't trust me. it is in no way my fault that i keep geting prank voice mails and text messages and he keeps blaming me, keeps thinking i am cheating on him by talking to other guys or whatever else. so he has all these unjustified resentments which is totally unfair to me. i told him i don't want to be with a man that doesn't trust me. a lot apparently has to do with my relapses as well. he said the other day in a fit of anger when i asked him why he won;t make love to me that maybe it was because i can't stay clean. i told him bullshit there is always an excuse. first it was my smoking, so i quit no change, then it was the nicotine gum so i quit that, no change. Previously it was lack of sobriety, i had over a year and during that year we did not have sex 1 time, no change. Then is was calling my ex and I haven't talked to him on the phone for over a year now. I didn't want to kiss him recently. why should he have his needs met when i don't he said not kissing would ruin our relationship and i replied what do you think not having sex has done? i told him we could stay together for now for aiden's sake. i also said i am going back to work because i need to protect myself. i have to have an income because i don't see our relationship getting better. i am not going to move out with out a job. to be honest i am too depressed to even look for a job. i haven't cooked for over a week. i didn't go with him yesterday because i wanted to go back to bed instead of study. i also told him i don't want the fucking cell phone anymore because it has caused more problems in our relationship than what it's worth having. my dads girlfriend new something was wrong when i didn't call my dad back right away and so i told her what was going on. atleast i have her to talk to. she certainly has been there for me in the last few years and i don't know how to show her how much i appreciate it.

I missed a test yesterday and was going to have to call my teacher today to resched. I don't have to, he called me. Wow. Thank God our grades aren't determined by attendance. I was going to go yesterday but didn't want to take a test after not having studied. It would be nice of I got an A in the class to boost my self esteem.

sexless marriage

I thought I had come to terms with the fact that peter and I have no sex life. as I have gotten mad at him this week everything I have ever been disappointed about has come to surface. I keep thinking what is the fucking point, why get married, why be together. I really don't know how much more I can take. I had hoped I could just get past this for Aiden's sake. It isn't like I don't love him because in a weird way I do. He is a pretty good friend. Not a great friend. He would have to want to take pictures of me to be a great friend. I have to ask him to take pictures of me and Aiden together so that when Aiden grows up he knows I really was the one who raised him.

When he bought me that ring, he didn't tell one family member of his we got engaged. Not one. I told most of all of them myself and the first time I had told his sister on the phone he said "Oh God" and not in a nice way so I had let him know that he really hurt my feelings. I think personally he only wants to do his son right and that is the only reason we are together. For me to say anything bad about that would be hypocritical but I atleast at some point used to be attracted to him. That ceases to exist anymore. How can I be attracted to a man that doesn't want me? I used to and it left me bitter. It has been easier, I have to admit, since I haven't felt that attraction. It was so much worse when I had the hots for him, he would get me all worked up only to be let down again and again.

If I didn't have this blog I don't know what I would do. I don't even talk to anyone about all this anymore. At one point i used to talk to uncle solar but he has en,ough of his own problems.

So for this whole week I have been depressed. I only speak to peter really when i have to. it's affects are wearing off on aiden apparently. he refuses to give peter a kiss good night. so i have to treat peter differently and i don't want to. he doesn't deserve my respect.

the sad part is that if i really did call the whole thing off he would try to kick me out that very day with nothing, no car, no furniture, etc even though when we moved in together he had nothing. i had an entire house full of furniture which has been replaced by new. i know this because i have come close manymany times.

another friend dead

She locked herself in a hotel room, took some pills and started drinking. She choked on her own vomit. she has a daughter about a year older than Aiden.

Where is the Christ in Christmas

You see all these santa's,snowmen, trains and reindeer for sale to decorate your yard and even penguin's for crying out loud but not one cross. I wanted something different for our lasn since everyone else already has one of everything already. Sad that crosses aren't sold.

12:45

I am still so mad that I am mulling shit over at this hour. It dawned on me that I had sent the bitch a really nice email after her and j broke up saying i had hoped they stayed together and that i am here if she needed to talk and she didn't even respond and when i drove him over to her place to drop off money owed for rent she didn't een come out and say hi but if either had been done by peter her nose hairs would be tickling his crotch again. she is still doing the ignoring thing with me but when i sent an email not even intended for her she sent a really nasty note back to me. she started calling peter already and it hasn't even been a full day well she started yesterday even. j did this, his car is running like this, yada yada yada. i keep only myspace acct only for pics and on it i wrote brown noser keep yer nose outa my man's ass. immature i know but i hope she reads it. oh i expect the phone calls to double then but atleast she knows i think she is a brown noser. i do not want to see her at christmas and i also found out she emailed him while they were on their break up and sent pictures. like he really cares about a thanksgiving pic of her and her family. well i sure don't. the girl loves herself too much as it is. she has more pics of herself and herself alone on her myspace. it is set to private now and has been since the break up but is saw that jared added her as a friend yesterday. pretty sad i don't even have one friend i could even add any ways.

read no more if you don't like swearing

About a month ago I got this text message from some guy wo paid a compliment or something like that and I text back do i know you and he typed a secret admirer or some dumb shit and long story short I figured out that it wasn't anyone I knew and was a mistake. i never deleted it and so at what ever time it was peter wakes me up being loud and then just stands there looking at me and so i am pissed that he woke me up and i say can i go back to sleep and he's all yeah so i said well what the hell is wrong with you and he is still standing there and finally asks if I am texting some guy and I said is this about a text i got a long time ago and he says yes you bring these things on yourself. same thing he said last time when i got that strange guy leaving a recording on my cell phone which i had nothing to do with. so straight away he is accusing me of being responsible for this shit. i am pissed. i never stopped yelling at him. i am mother fucking sick and tired of him always thinking the worst. this bitch that i so fondly refer to at one point lived in our home. her and i got into it because i told her not to put up a note on MY refrigerator. She has the nerve when it is is just her and i in the room for the entire next week to ignore me when i try to ask her questions or talk to her. but when peter is in the room she will answer my questions and act all sweet as pie. i tell him at the time and at first he doesn't believe me then says well she had a right because i had relapsed and all. fuck that bull shit. any ways he sides with her to this fucking day and makes me out to be the bad guy. i recently was told you have a lot of nerve talking about morals then compares me to his ex wife and how she is the most moral person he knows. i sent him a nasty email after he left saying i am sick and tired of being treated like i am the bad guy all the time. i said pity you don't think more highly of me when you want me to be your wife. i also bitched again last night about our non existant sex life and how one day he would wake up and it would be too fucking late. i then told him this am that if he had sex with me regularly he wouldn't even wonder if i was faithful or not. i am still so pissed off. i changed his email password to do a check on his email since he was snooping on me. turns out that the bitch has had his butt hairs between his teeth the whole time her and jared have been broke up. sending pics and saying i hope you and (my name) are doing good. i wrote to her from his email and gave her the correct spelling of my name. she says and i kid you not that she can't wait to be done with home school so she can go off to "colage" OMG you can take the girl out of the ghetto but you can't take the ghetto out of the girl. I wouldn't have even talked to him on the phone except that he left a message on my voice mail saying he had left the hospital so I didn't know if he had good or bad news and figured i bettr not be that cold hearted. he asked of I was going to mad all day. i said i didn't know and his comment was you know what happens when you stay mad too long.. you relapse and there isn't another chance so i hung up on him. he can make his own fucking dinner tonight or see if the bitch can email him one.

I am screwed

Peter told me last night that Jared and the bitch are getting back together. I have been bitchy since. He is going to get daily suck up calls from here again. In fact it already started this week when she called about Peter's dad.

How do I hate the bitch, let me count the ways

Yes jared's ex the subject aand cause of yet another speak when only spoken to (me) evening. He wonders why I hate the bitch. Well let's see he is still defending her and I attribute that unsavory dish to the fact that she has had her nose so far up his ass he has been tickled with her nose hair and likes it all too much.

Ojiichan prayers

Peter's dad went in for an angio gram last week. They saw several blocked arteries where stints were previously place. So they did surgery againt that day. He did not get released right away because he was having trouble with his kidney's. He finally got released Friday and by 2 am Sun he was back in the ER unable to urinate again. He was diagnosed with I can't remember the name but it is where the heart can't pump blood to vital organs properly so the organs can't function properly, ie urinate. So he is is still in the hospital, finally getting a room at 4 ;30 in the afternoon yesterday. That is on hell of a long time to have to wait in triag. Any ways the catheter is stil in and blood is still coming out (freakin scary). They did an ultrasound this am and are awaiting the results. Poor man is so weak still. Baba (short for Obachan - japanese for grandma) said he is in better spirits and apears stronger today. I was pretty upset yesterday because Peter's brother, an RN said it doesn't get any better, meaning hi heart and I thought he might die soon. Petr stayed positive and strong. We were going to visit yesterday but wanted to wait til he was given a room. We were going to take the other two kids but it got to late so his ex took them to see their Ojiichan. We are praying he makes a good recovery. Please say a prayer too. Thank you.

Ugly celebrities

heck out this link. Some of the pictures are really scarey

THE BOMB

TRANS SIBERIAN ORCHESTRA WAS THE BEST CONCERT I EVER WENT TO. GUEST APPEARANCE BY THE LEAD SINGER OF YES!!!!!!!!

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