hamster wheel

Apparently I was wrong about Peter not telling his family we got engaged. He said he told his kids and parents. I told him that i never heard him say anything to his family at all so I thought he didn't tell.

We got in the car alone on Sat and talked about why i have been so angry and depressed. I asked him if he could get honest and tell me why he doesn't want to have sex with me. He said it isn't so much that he doesn't want sex but that I have screwed him over so many times. Not only a few days ago he got all mad at me for carrying around a resentment against Christina. He said he didn't hold on to resentments. liar the whole reason we don't have sex is because he holds on to resentments. Until he learns to rid of the resentments our sex life will not get any better. i told him we are on our last leg and that I have no faith whatsoever that things will change between us. he can sit there and try to force himself to have sex with me but it will feel forced it will be unpassionate, mechanical and over in a matter of a few minutes. the truth of the matter also is that he is constantly resentful because he doesn't trust me. it is in no way my fault that i keep geting prank voice mails and text messages and he keeps blaming me, keeps thinking i am cheating on him by talking to other guys or whatever else. so he has all these unjustified resentments which is totally unfair to me. i told him i don't want to be with a man that doesn't trust me. a lot apparently has to do with my relapses as well. he said the other day in a fit of anger when i asked him why he won;t make love to me that maybe it was because i can't stay clean. i told him bullshit there is always an excuse. first it was my smoking, so i quit no change, then it was the nicotine gum so i quit that, no change. Previously it was lack of sobriety, i had over a year and during that year we did not have sex 1 time, no change. Then is was calling my ex and I haven't talked to him on the phone for over a year now. I didn't want to kiss him recently. why should he have his needs met when i don't he said not kissing would ruin our relationship and i replied what do you think not having sex has done? i told him we could stay together for now for aiden's sake. i also said i am going back to work because i need to protect myself. i have to have an income because i don't see our relationship getting better. i am not going to move out with out a job. to be honest i am too depressed to even look for a job. i haven't cooked for over a week. i didn't go with him yesterday because i wanted to go back to bed instead of study. i also told him i don't want the fucking cell phone anymore because it has caused more problems in our relationship than what it's worth having. my dads girlfriend new something was wrong when i didn't call my dad back right away and so i told her what was going on. atleast i have her to talk to. she certainly has been there for me in the last few years and i don't know how to show her how much i appreciate it.