sexless marriage

I thought I had come to terms with the fact that peter and I have no sex life. as I have gotten mad at him this week everything I have ever been disappointed about has come to surface. I keep thinking what is the fucking point, why get married, why be together. I really don't know how much more I can take. I had hoped I could just get past this for Aiden's sake. It isn't like I don't love him because in a weird way I do. He is a pretty good friend. Not a great friend. He would have to want to take pictures of me to be a great friend. I have to ask him to take pictures of me and Aiden together so that when Aiden grows up he knows I really was the one who raised him.

When he bought me that ring, he didn't tell one family member of his we got engaged. Not one. I told most of all of them myself and the first time I had told his sister on the phone he said "Oh God" and not in a nice way so I had let him know that he really hurt my feelings. I think personally he only wants to do his son right and that is the only reason we are together. For me to say anything bad about that would be hypocritical but I atleast at some point used to be attracted to him. That ceases to exist anymore. How can I be attracted to a man that doesn't want me? I used to and it left me bitter. It has been easier, I have to admit, since I haven't felt that attraction. It was so much worse when I had the hots for him, he would get me all worked up only to be let down again and again.

If I didn't have this blog I don't know what I would do. I don't even talk to anyone about all this anymore. At one point i used to talk to uncle solar but he has en,ough of his own problems.

So for this whole week I have been depressed. I only speak to peter really when i have to. it's affects are wearing off on aiden apparently. he refuses to give peter a kiss good night. so i have to treat peter differently and i don't want to. he doesn't deserve my respect.

the sad part is that if i really did call the whole thing off he would try to kick me out that very day with nothing, no car, no furniture, etc even though when we moved in together he had nothing. i had an entire house full of furniture which has been replaced by new. i know this because i have come close manymany times.