Hi Peter happy reading.......

Yesterday I sent Aiden to daycare because I had my CAT scan and xrays of my neck. I am calling my dr today, by the way, to see if I can get in. That knot is still there bad as ever. To tell you the truth I have a feeling it is because of my math class. One because I am looking up and down a lot which is flaring up a pre existing problem but also because math stresses me the fuck out. I have hated math since the 5th grade. I avoided doing my flash cards with my teacher and I stopped at about subtraction. All the other kids stood in front of the teacher and he would use a whole deck of flash cards to test each student individually for addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. I think the other kids were on division and that is when my teacher noticed that I hadn't been doing it. I was an honery cuss even in grade school!! If charma flows correctly, me and Peter are going to have a harder time with Aiden than we ever had with Andrew. I screwed myself way back when I didn't want to do my math. I have hated math since then and I would sit down and do my homework even in high school and cry because I did not understand what I was supposed to do to solve a problem. Knowing this about myself I signed up for a tutor after the very first class when the teacher showed us the tutor hall in the library. They haven't contacted me yet but it is already time. Looks like I probably will going as a walk in after school and a meeting today. I think my neck knots are psycho-somatic. In other words it is caused all in my head!!

Anyways I had looked at a bit of naughty stuff on the net and had my relationship with a pink vibrating toy. Mind you I recently complained to Peter that I have a better relationship with my vibrator than him and it produced NO results. So back to yesterday....I forgot to clear my history and Peter beat me home. Yes he looked at my history which included the porn and this new blog. He called me as I was leaving the store and said "Where are you" so I knew he beat me home and I could tell from his voice that he was not too happy. Any person that just knew him wouldn't know that something bothered him...but I knew. I knew before I even got home that he was peeved that I looked at porn. As I was driving home I was thinking if he so much as gives me an inkling of grief it is his own fault. I never said that exactly but he came up to me while I was cooking dinner and gave me a hug and said. "We need to work on our relationship." What? I didn't say that but I said "oh yeah, what do we need to work on" He said something like I saw you history today and I immediately pulled away and told him I knew he saw it even before I got home that I could hear it in his voice and to not even dare be mad at me. He sort of stood there dumb founded because he didn't say he was mad at me and in all appearances did not appear to be mad. Looking back I think he got our problem from a different perspective and didn't like how he felt after he knew what I was doing and that motivated him to do something. So any way I got all bent out of shape told him he had no right to be upset with me after I have no sex life and I am the one that misses it and complains. Although I don't really say anything any more because it only makes things worse.

I didn't start up this post again until the following day and a lot has transpired since then. Last night I had a suspicious feeling that Peter had hid something in his email. I didn't know what or when but I had to look. I don't know his password but I took a chance that he had automatic sign in on the lap top he takes in his truck. Sure enough it did. I saw and email from one of the females at his work and the title of it said Just Curious again. The content of the message said. "Yet you do not follow her coming and going." or something like that which led me to believe that he talked to her about a private matter and I tried getting into his trash but the computer got stuck. Aiden had gotten up on the bed and decided he wanted to play a computer game and pitched a fit because I wouldn't let him and told him to stop grabbing for the computer. I was irritated because I wanted to see the deleted shit before Peter came in and checked on Aiden's hollering. Sure enough Peter came in and saw me on his work lap top. I said what are you trying to hide and he said let's see, grabbed the comp and deleted all the relevant fuccking emails and when I asked him what it was regarding he tried saying nothing. So I was pissed off that he was keeping a secret and particularly with a female coworker that I always felt he was a little too comfortable talking with 2 years ago even. So finally he says let's talk about it. I said yeah right after you deleted all the info and have had time to think about your story. Fuck that. I was pissed then curiousity had me so I asked what it was regarding and he said that after he had seen all the porn he was suspicious I was looking for a lesbian relationship so he asked this female coworker to get her perspective as to whether she thought I ws seeking a lesbian relationship or if this was something females did. I am embarrassed, hurt, feel betrayed. I did not sleep one wink the entire night. I have been crying almost non stop and my eyes have swelled up into puffy little balls. I told him that he isn't comfortable enough to talk to me about all this yet he felt comfortable enough telling her my private stuff. OMG I am still so upset at 8:00 am. I feel like smoking! I wrote him a big long note last night and at the end asked him how he wold feel if I called Jen (as he calls her) or emailed her and told her that he only gives himself to me sexually about 3 times a year and that is the reason I masturbate to porn. I am not some sexual deviant like he thinks out looking for some sicko relationship. I showed Peter the site I went to and how I randomly chose sample clips and told him that he should have come to me if he had questions or atleast gone to webmed or asked a professional. I am completely mortified that this woman knows all this about me now and I would not be surprised if she shared the info with other staff members. He appologized to me over and over and over again. I know he is sorry and he knows it was wrong but it doesn't take away the distrust or the pain or the embarrassment or the betrayal.

My new blog was also left on the history and he may or may not have caught it. I have nothing to hide.... so happy reading. I also told him despite our sexual problems I chose not to cheat on him and I feel horrible that he thinks that I could do that to him.