Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Peter's sister
Peter's sister called me today. She is totally suicidal. She was also intoxicated. She takes 7 different meds from anti depressants, antipsychotics, bipolar, etc. She says she is in a manic stage and hasn't slept in 3 days. Everything I suggested she implied would not work. She said that none of her medications have ever worked. I did not have a clue as to how to help her. She asked me not to tell Peter so he wouldn't preach at her and then tell her dad and make him worry. I am going to tell him any ways because I never know when she is really serious about suicide or not. She has been suicidal many many times over the past year and has been hospitalized for it but she is saying now that she is just ready for rest. She implied that no one would care if she were gone any way. I told her that wasn't true but she insisted that she has nothing to live for. I hate not knowing how to help someone.
So far math has been easy. I wish it was that way the whole class. I also wish I would have signed up for a second class. I found out that reading would have been a good class to take from a classmate. Her counselor recommended it because it gives all kinds of study tips. I think I will take it next semester with my math class. In some ways I wish I could go full time already. The plan wasn't to start full time until Aiden was in school full time.
Peter's boss with held $1000 from his check again last week (can't remember if I mentioned) and the bastard hasn't handed it over yet. Peter made a half million sale yesterday and his boss was still an ass to him. The guy has taken atleast 8 vacations this year already and was complaining yesterday that he was having to work in the office. I personally think he went back on the booze and is moody but who knows. I know Peter is ready to tell him to "go suck eggs." Last week his boss said he couldn't make payroll because customers haven't paid up yet. So Peter went out and collected a lot of money owed to the company which leads me back to the opinion that his boss can't afford to pay him and that is why he is withholding the money. Now if the jackass would stop going on trips to tahiti and jamaica he would be able to.
I should go to the grocery store today to get veggies and a bit of fruit but I don't feel like it. I guess if I get my ass up and ready I could go to one of the local veggie stands close by. I just feel lazy. I worked pretty hard yesterday getting the house clean and now I don't want to do anything but I don't want to be bored either. Sometimes doing stuff soley for Aiden, ie the park, etc gets boring. he loves it though and I feel like a better mom when I do so I may just turn it into an Aiden day.
Peter's boss with held $1000 from his check again last week (can't remember if I mentioned) and the bastard hasn't handed it over yet. Peter made a half million sale yesterday and his boss was still an ass to him. The guy has taken atleast 8 vacations this year already and was complaining yesterday that he was having to work in the office. I personally think he went back on the booze and is moody but who knows. I know Peter is ready to tell him to "go suck eggs." Last week his boss said he couldn't make payroll because customers haven't paid up yet. So Peter went out and collected a lot of money owed to the company which leads me back to the opinion that his boss can't afford to pay him and that is why he is withholding the money. Now if the jackass would stop going on trips to tahiti and jamaica he would be able to.
I should go to the grocery store today to get veggies and a bit of fruit but I don't feel like it. I guess if I get my ass up and ready I could go to one of the local veggie stands close by. I just feel lazy. I worked pretty hard yesterday getting the house clean and now I don't want to do anything but I don't want to be bored either. Sometimes doing stuff soley for Aiden, ie the park, etc gets boring. he loves it though and I feel like a better mom when I do so I may just turn it into an Aiden day.
Monday, August 28, 2006
sponser
I can't remember if I mentioned before that my sponser has hurried me off the phone when I have called for a few months now. She will also agree to meet then not have the time or say that she had a prior engagement. So I ahve basically given up on her. I have some one picked out already but I haven't seen her at the meetings I go to so I have been technically without a sponser for a week or so. I just hope I don't have to start over at step one with the new one. I am ready to move on to step 5.
As I was driving home today I came up on our neighborhood and saw two firetrucks, two sherrif cars and an ambulance. I didn't get a really good look because the fire truck was in the way but someone had aparently wrecked into a house knocking off the corner of the house and jacked up the garage door too. I can't wait to drive down a bit later after everything has cleared and get a better look. It happened down a side street and it was the second house from the stop sign. I can't figure out how the got enough speed to do that kind of damage. The angle that it hit the house it would have had only 4 houses to pass before it hit. That isn't much time for an older car to gain speed. I still can't figure it out. There were tons of people out gawking. If Aiden hadn't been sick I would have walked him down there but it was too far of a walk.
As I was driving home today I came up on our neighborhood and saw two firetrucks, two sherrif cars and an ambulance. I didn't get a really good look because the fire truck was in the way but someone had aparently wrecked into a house knocking off the corner of the house and jacked up the garage door too. I can't wait to drive down a bit later after everything has cleared and get a better look. It happened down a side street and it was the second house from the stop sign. I can't figure out how the got enough speed to do that kind of damage. The angle that it hit the house it would have had only 4 houses to pass before it hit. That isn't much time for an older car to gain speed. I still can't figure it out. There were tons of people out gawking. If Aiden hadn't been sick I would have walked him down there but it was too far of a walk.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Shop til a fight breaks out
On thursday after class I went clothes shopping and spent an extraordinary amount of money. Mind you Peter's boss played the withholding of $1000 again but gave no forewarning this time. I had charged it since Peter said a few weeks back i could go shopping. I didn't intend to keep it all but had a hard time deciding so I brought home over $400 worth of clothes and I was going to model it and have Peter help me decide. I thought it might be fun. Well when he saw all the clothes layed out on the bed and asked how much the fun was OVER> never mind the fact that I explained I was taking some back the next day. So we got into an argument with him saying I don't understand why you do that and me explaining that I only have a short time to shop and it helps if I bring the clothes home see what matches with my existing clothes and to try them all on again and also to have time to think if I really want it. I said since I take it back the very next day it is like I never spent the money. Well we ended with me crying and saying fuck it I will take it all back. He said don't turn this around on me and I wasn't friggin trying to it was just easier for me to just take it all back and not have to hear a word about the subject any more. So he said I can keep a couple hundred worth. The next day rolls around and I decided to get up and try everything on again and see if I wanted to keep some. The nest day it was much easier to decide. Any ways I check in with Peter in the am and he said that part of reason he was upset was that he has seriously been considering getting me a ring and charging it and that money could have gone toward the ring. he said that amount could have been half....well I didn't like that much. Not getting the ring but the amount he indicating he would be spending. Am I a picky butt or what. It is just that the last ring I got was over $4000 and he didn't make near as much as Peter at the time. If Peter finances he can afford atleast a carat solitaire or more. So I took over half that back on Thursday and today I said I am not interested in the highest quality diamond and I no longer have to have a three stone setting but at the very least I would like a 3/4 carat or up, preferrably a 1 carat and it has to be near colorless. I actually looked at rings at the mall whie I returned and brought home a card with a ring and it's price. I suppose I am a little eager but the thought of being engaged finally is exciting. I was not really hppy with the ring I got last time and it was my own fault for not speaking up and not thinking I was worth it. I really wanted a carat but told him I loved the 3/4 the only difference this time is that I know all of Peter's bills and 1 carats are pretty darned expensive so if I got the same size I would still be happy. I would be over the moon though if I actually got a cart. I am not expecting it though. Peter isn't real big on size or spending a fortune on jewery despite me having diamond earrings and a custom made diamond ring and custom made Topaz and diamond necklace. I could even tell him to hold off until he could afford a carat but then I am afraid I would have to wait another 4 years before getting engaged and I would rather be engaged. Enough about me being selfish.
Peter's brother, uncle solar called me on Wednesday eve and asked that if he had to go out of town for work during the week would I be willing to watch Seiji over night and all day. I told him sure but that I am going to school and Monday night, Tuesday day and Wed night Thursday day are out because of school. So he couldn't bring Seiji up like I think he was going to ask and instead went to Ojiichan's and was spending the night. What I didn't know was that he had gotten into it with auntie prozac and he told her that she could pick him up on Thurs in Yuba City at my house. I guess that made her mad. So she called him several times that night and called and talked to both Haruni and Ojiican. She had to have known Seiji was at their house but she played this dumn game calling my house afer 11:00 pm on Peters cell phone woke me up and said is this...(my name) and I knew her voice so I was pissed and hung up on her. Then she called the house phone and I was really pissed and said look Ca..it is after 11 and we were sleeping. click. All I heard is I have to talk to you. Not at 11 you dont witch. So I ended up having to turn the ringers off, wake up Peter to have him turn his cell phone off (he had to get up at 4 am that day). So Harumi called me the following eve and filled me in on how she called their house at 11:30 and threatened to call the Sherrif's because uncle solar didn't tell her where her son was and Ojiichan told her fine go ahead and call the sherriff and hung up on her too. Poor Ojiichan is old and has a really bad heart and he had to go to the dr the next day due to an irregular heart beat. That pissed me off so I sent autnie prozac a nasty email telling her she sent him to the ER and to do us all a favor and leave the grandparents out of their mess. I also told her I didn't appreciate being woke up from sleeping and that I wanted no part in being in the middle of their mess. She sent an email appologizing but I think it is horse shit. She told Harumi that she thinks everyone in the K family is ganging up on her. Harumi told her no it isn't true but that they don't want to be put in the middle of her and uncle solar's mess. She said that since she is the mother of their grandchild ofcourse they would like contact with her and for her to bring him over just skip the BS. But unfortunately we all know she is incapable of going more than 2 minutes with out bitching about her ex and trying to put him down to get people "on her side". She says that uncle solar lies all the time, he says she lies all the time. I suppose he is just giving her a taste of her own medicine is all. They are both nasty to one another and it just makes me want to stay with Peter all the more to avoid all this bullshit. it is sucking the life force out of both of them.
We went to Sac today picked up Jared and Chrtina, took Jared shopping for chef clothes since he is taking a culinary art class, went to Japanese lunch then over to Ojiichans and ate dinner only an hour after lunch because Peter lied and said we had eaten a coulple hours earlier. He could have told her the truth so we could eat a couple hours later!!! So we all felt full and sick after dinner was over. Not too long after that we had coffee and rich chocolate cake....ugh. We were all cracking up because we couldn't let on how full we were. Aiden was the only one that ate and didn't feel gorged.
It is late late so I better get my butt to bed or I will feel it tomorrow.
Peter's brother, uncle solar called me on Wednesday eve and asked that if he had to go out of town for work during the week would I be willing to watch Seiji over night and all day. I told him sure but that I am going to school and Monday night, Tuesday day and Wed night Thursday day are out because of school. So he couldn't bring Seiji up like I think he was going to ask and instead went to Ojiichan's and was spending the night. What I didn't know was that he had gotten into it with auntie prozac and he told her that she could pick him up on Thurs in Yuba City at my house. I guess that made her mad. So she called him several times that night and called and talked to both Haruni and Ojiican. She had to have known Seiji was at their house but she played this dumn game calling my house afer 11:00 pm on Peters cell phone woke me up and said is this...(my name) and I knew her voice so I was pissed and hung up on her. Then she called the house phone and I was really pissed and said look Ca..it is after 11 and we were sleeping. click. All I heard is I have to talk to you. Not at 11 you dont witch. So I ended up having to turn the ringers off, wake up Peter to have him turn his cell phone off (he had to get up at 4 am that day). So Harumi called me the following eve and filled me in on how she called their house at 11:30 and threatened to call the Sherrif's because uncle solar didn't tell her where her son was and Ojiichan told her fine go ahead and call the sherriff and hung up on her too. Poor Ojiichan is old and has a really bad heart and he had to go to the dr the next day due to an irregular heart beat. That pissed me off so I sent autnie prozac a nasty email telling her she sent him to the ER and to do us all a favor and leave the grandparents out of their mess. I also told her I didn't appreciate being woke up from sleeping and that I wanted no part in being in the middle of their mess. She sent an email appologizing but I think it is horse shit. She told Harumi that she thinks everyone in the K family is ganging up on her. Harumi told her no it isn't true but that they don't want to be put in the middle of her and uncle solar's mess. She said that since she is the mother of their grandchild ofcourse they would like contact with her and for her to bring him over just skip the BS. But unfortunately we all know she is incapable of going more than 2 minutes with out bitching about her ex and trying to put him down to get people "on her side". She says that uncle solar lies all the time, he says she lies all the time. I suppose he is just giving her a taste of her own medicine is all. They are both nasty to one another and it just makes me want to stay with Peter all the more to avoid all this bullshit. it is sucking the life force out of both of them.
We went to Sac today picked up Jared and Chrtina, took Jared shopping for chef clothes since he is taking a culinary art class, went to Japanese lunch then over to Ojiichans and ate dinner only an hour after lunch because Peter lied and said we had eaten a coulple hours earlier. He could have told her the truth so we could eat a couple hours later!!! So we all felt full and sick after dinner was over. Not too long after that we had coffee and rich chocolate cake....ugh. We were all cracking up because we couldn't let on how full we were. Aiden was the only one that ate and didn't feel gorged.
It is late late so I better get my butt to bed or I will feel it tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Stinky fishy kissy lips
I put on the new perfume I purchased today and asked Aiden whether I stink or smell pretty....his reply "stink" I bought Beautiful Sheer. I haven't had a new perfume since 2003 so I treated myself today. Along with some new fall cloths.
I also got the shots in between my joints in my spine today. He showed me on xray how the spaces between vertebrae are widening and how the spine itself has straightened up a little. I was told previously by his receptionist that the white areas on it are the arthritis....wrong. It is the kissy lips at the edge of the bones which are much more pronounced on the right than the left which explains why it feels like I have a rod going thru my back on the right of my mid back. Lots of fishy kissy lips going on. My low back has been bothering me today and with out me even telling him, he could tell I was having spasms by touch.
I also took Aiden to the dr today because the frequency of complaints of butt pain increased. I explained to the dr that he only goes poo the amount enough to merely stain his diaper. The dr said he isn't constipated he is holding in his poo from painful past experience. I thought that was the culprit. He prescribed a laxative to help soften and make him go. He recommended I sit him on the pot after breakfast every morning to get him in the routine of going. I advised that I am going to have another issue to deal with since Aiden never wants to use the toilet and has a fit if I try and make him. So I made sure Aiden was listening and had the dr tell him the medicine was to help him go poo and that it would make it not hurt. Aiden said, NO! So the dr kept reasuring him it wouldn't hurt and that it would make his tummy aches go away. Since Aiden absolutely loves his dr I am hopeful that did the trick.
I also got the shots in between my joints in my spine today. He showed me on xray how the spaces between vertebrae are widening and how the spine itself has straightened up a little. I was told previously by his receptionist that the white areas on it are the arthritis....wrong. It is the kissy lips at the edge of the bones which are much more pronounced on the right than the left which explains why it feels like I have a rod going thru my back on the right of my mid back. Lots of fishy kissy lips going on. My low back has been bothering me today and with out me even telling him, he could tell I was having spasms by touch.
I also took Aiden to the dr today because the frequency of complaints of butt pain increased. I explained to the dr that he only goes poo the amount enough to merely stain his diaper. The dr said he isn't constipated he is holding in his poo from painful past experience. I thought that was the culprit. He prescribed a laxative to help soften and make him go. He recommended I sit him on the pot after breakfast every morning to get him in the routine of going. I advised that I am going to have another issue to deal with since Aiden never wants to use the toilet and has a fit if I try and make him. So I made sure Aiden was listening and had the dr tell him the medicine was to help him go poo and that it would make it not hurt. Aiden said, NO! So the dr kept reasuring him it wouldn't hurt and that it would make his tummy aches go away. Since Aiden absolutely loves his dr I am hopeful that did the trick.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
First day of school
It went well today. I was really early because I thought it started at 9:00 am but it started at 10:30. I went and had a huge breakfast at Denney's, read the paper, got my parking pass, checked to make sure I had the right book and then listened to my Go Gear outside our classroom. After class I went to a meeting, then to the grocery store for fresh produce, came home and unloaded gorceries, then completed my homework. The homework was really easy. I just wish the rest of the class was as easy but it's not. he gave a summary of the coarse work and I got lost on the first hard problem. I had to raise my hand and ask if he was going to slowly explain how to do the work and he said yes, whew. After the class the instructor asked if anyone didn't know where the ligrary was. Only two of us raised our hand. He took me and another woman over to the library and showed us his office and where to get tutoring. I actually got to speak to the woman who oversees the tutoring and I told her I would be in on Thursday to sign up. I told her I want to pass the class understanding the material. I also let it be known to my instructor that I haven't taken a math class in over 20 years. I hope he takes that info and for my selfish benefit goes really slow!!!
Monday, August 21, 2006
Miscellanious
Hard to believe that I have gone back to school. I went and purchased more school suplies and my text book for my class this semester. I am starting with math since it is my weakest subject. I am going to complete all of them first before I take Eng 1A and after that I can apply for the nursing program. I was at Mickey D's today letting Aiden play on the playground while I chomped junk food and looked over my new book. I ran into a lady in a medical uniform who asked if I am attending school. I told her the class and my ultimate goal. She is going for her medical assisting and said that a place called Yuba City One Step offers an LVN program now with the only requirement of passing their prerequ. exams and being accepted after three or four interviews. She said it bypasses a lot of classes that Yuba College requires. The only issue is that they only allow 20 students at a time so there is usually a waiting list. I am going to check it out while still attending my college courses. Doesn't hurt to get info on it. Funny how God puts certain people in your life at certain times.
Speaking of...a fellow blogger that I found out was reading my old blog religiously has had many "it was a God thing" experiences along with her husband. Crazy Aunt...you brought tears to my eyes this am after reading what you had written about me. I thought I only had a couple readers and they have fallen off the planet so to hear that I some how touched your life felt really great. The AA book talks about that we will eventually no longer hate our past or wish to shut the door on it for we can use our experiences to help other to achieve sobriety. However, in your case it sounds like my experiences gave you the courage to set boundaries and to perhaps see the addiction process/recovery process through my eyes. Any way enough of this analitical crap. I hope everything goes well with you and Hubby. My only advice is that all this sobriety is new and to not let your guard down to early. Things may improve in leaps and bounds during the first few months which is great but just remember for the addict/alcoholic the first 3 months are the hardest. It does sound like from your posts though that your man has made some fantastic decisions and that things have fallen into place by merely making those positive decisions. I wish you the best and I am amazed at your courage and strength it must have taken to stand by your man for so many years.
Ah what else ahh my sponser..the flake like me. We have scheduled and rescheduled meetings over and over. Once one was confirmed and when I called to ask if I could bring Aiden to play with her son she said that I had the wrong day when I know I didn't because I had written down the confirmation on our emails and have her email replying a yes for that date. So she was off. Any way we finally met at an AA meeting not last Fri but the Fri before and when I went to talk afterward she said you are going to kill me I have to go pick up my son from daycare. I fell put off and put off. I know on occasions I have had to cancel for reasons such as Aiden being sick or Peter not getting home on time but dang this has been going on for months and months. I am now thinking about asking for someone else to sponser me and to get me thru the fifth step. I am done with my 4th step and feel ready to move on. Ah I will talk to some one else about it and see what they say.
I am also saddened because two of the women I went to first Steps with have relapsed and have had the phones turned off for lack of payment so I can't call them any more. Only one of them ever called me and called me often. I haven't heard from her in a few weeks now and I am worried. Her husband is still using and he pays the bills or doesn't I should say. She was struggling to get money for milk for her kids even. I really don't have any one else that I really reached out to. Well there is this one other lady that I have called before when I was still spun out on vicoden and a few times after I got clean. She is busy as heck but I could always call her. She is the one that used to live one street over with our realtor Cindy. She is a great lady and has 5 years sober. I guess I should call her and see what she thinks I ought to do. I have not called or emailed my sponser since that Friday mostly because I have been irritated with her and also because I have become flaky myself. I know I see myself in her and that pisses me off. I don't want to be the flake I was. I don't like that character defect at all!!!
Oh and I am a terrible mom. Last night I got my son to bed late because I was watching a repeat I have never seen. So I read one book quickly and told him that the monster would come if he wasn't sleeping right away because it was past the bedtime. My son bravely replied "there are no monsters." I had told him before many many times there are no monsters. He went to sleep right away anyways....I knew he didn't want to take any chances. I know that he thought there might be a chance of a monster because he said, "will he eat daddy?" I told him "no it is only little boys that stay up past their bed time." I think I get the award for all time worst mother!!!!
Have a great week.
Speaking of...a fellow blogger that I found out was reading my old blog religiously has had many "it was a God thing" experiences along with her husband. Crazy Aunt...you brought tears to my eyes this am after reading what you had written about me. I thought I only had a couple readers and they have fallen off the planet so to hear that I some how touched your life felt really great. The AA book talks about that we will eventually no longer hate our past or wish to shut the door on it for we can use our experiences to help other to achieve sobriety. However, in your case it sounds like my experiences gave you the courage to set boundaries and to perhaps see the addiction process/recovery process through my eyes. Any way enough of this analitical crap. I hope everything goes well with you and Hubby. My only advice is that all this sobriety is new and to not let your guard down to early. Things may improve in leaps and bounds during the first few months which is great but just remember for the addict/alcoholic the first 3 months are the hardest. It does sound like from your posts though that your man has made some fantastic decisions and that things have fallen into place by merely making those positive decisions. I wish you the best and I am amazed at your courage and strength it must have taken to stand by your man for so many years.
Ah what else ahh my sponser..the flake like me. We have scheduled and rescheduled meetings over and over. Once one was confirmed and when I called to ask if I could bring Aiden to play with her son she said that I had the wrong day when I know I didn't because I had written down the confirmation on our emails and have her email replying a yes for that date. So she was off. Any way we finally met at an AA meeting not last Fri but the Fri before and when I went to talk afterward she said you are going to kill me I have to go pick up my son from daycare. I fell put off and put off. I know on occasions I have had to cancel for reasons such as Aiden being sick or Peter not getting home on time but dang this has been going on for months and months. I am now thinking about asking for someone else to sponser me and to get me thru the fifth step. I am done with my 4th step and feel ready to move on. Ah I will talk to some one else about it and see what they say.
I am also saddened because two of the women I went to first Steps with have relapsed and have had the phones turned off for lack of payment so I can't call them any more. Only one of them ever called me and called me often. I haven't heard from her in a few weeks now and I am worried. Her husband is still using and he pays the bills or doesn't I should say. She was struggling to get money for milk for her kids even. I really don't have any one else that I really reached out to. Well there is this one other lady that I have called before when I was still spun out on vicoden and a few times after I got clean. She is busy as heck but I could always call her. She is the one that used to live one street over with our realtor Cindy. She is a great lady and has 5 years sober. I guess I should call her and see what she thinks I ought to do. I have not called or emailed my sponser since that Friday mostly because I have been irritated with her and also because I have become flaky myself. I know I see myself in her and that pisses me off. I don't want to be the flake I was. I don't like that character defect at all!!!
Oh and I am a terrible mom. Last night I got my son to bed late because I was watching a repeat I have never seen. So I read one book quickly and told him that the monster would come if he wasn't sleeping right away because it was past the bedtime. My son bravely replied "there are no monsters." I had told him before many many times there are no monsters. He went to sleep right away anyways....I knew he didn't want to take any chances. I know that he thought there might be a chance of a monster because he said, "will he eat daddy?" I told him "no it is only little boys that stay up past their bed time." I think I get the award for all time worst mother!!!!
Have a great week.
Friday, August 18, 2006
water fun
The neighbors came knocking on the door to see if Aiden wanted to play in the water with them. The guy about my age who lives with his mom right now has a 3 year old and his brother is in 5th grade. So I offered to fill up the blow up pool for them and to play in our back yard. I guess they stayed for a couple of hours then went home to eat and nap. I am grateful for the visit as I was lazy and feeling guilty that I wasn't doing something to entertain my son. Aiden often goes out to play basketball with the 5th grader. He is really good with Aiden and would make a great babysitter some day. His sister is supposed to babysit one of these days when we decide to go out on a date. Like that will ever happen.
naughty word
Aiden was playing a game on the computer and he said, look mommy a fucking crab. I said what and he repeated it. So I told him that was a bad word and he is not to say that word. I told him daddy sometimes says that word but he knows it is a bad word. Then I called Peter and told him to be more careful about swearing. Aiden had heard the f word atleast 10 times the night Peter talked to Auntie Prozac on the phone. I will be so embarrassed if he says it at school or at his grandparents. Not good. I tried not overreacting because after all how could it be bad if daddy says it. ya know
gone
My golden days are gone and had I known that it would zip by so fast I wonder if I would hav done things differently. I am no longer the young looking sexy woman I used to be in my early 30's. In a mere 9 years I have changed dramatically from bags under my eyes to the fold of skin and a scars from bearing a child. I used to flirt a lot more because of the self confidence I had but not any more. I feel like an old lady and whats the point except to look like a fool. Would I have quit smoking sooner, drinking, taken more care of my body and what I ate?
If anything it has helped me to settle into this relationship now knowing that he loves me for who I am not what I look like or what he remembers me looking like. On the other hand my ex treated me like I was a trophy wife and looks were oh so important to him. I had to always look my best around him or so I thought. He had an obsession with models so I never ever felt pretty enough and I always wondered why he had settled for me. I don't think Peter could spout off the name of one model. It isn't important to him.
On another note I start up school again next Tuesday. I am a bit nervous but am dedicated once again to achieving my goal. What a great agreement we have. He takes care of me now and I go thru school, become a nurse, he gets to retire and I take care of him.
If anything it has helped me to settle into this relationship now knowing that he loves me for who I am not what I look like or what he remembers me looking like. On the other hand my ex treated me like I was a trophy wife and looks were oh so important to him. I had to always look my best around him or so I thought. He had an obsession with models so I never ever felt pretty enough and I always wondered why he had settled for me. I don't think Peter could spout off the name of one model. It isn't important to him.
On another note I start up school again next Tuesday. I am a bit nervous but am dedicated once again to achieving my goal. What a great agreement we have. He takes care of me now and I go thru school, become a nurse, he gets to retire and I take care of him.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
He is going home
Yeah Andrew is going home today. I feel relieved. Despite the overdose incident he wasn't too bad this time.
I have been getting calls from my brother in law again. His ex is up to the bullshit again. When he is supposed to pick up his son for his week, she won't answer the door or her phone. She will make an agreement to go get their son on her off day and it isn't confirmed the day before but the day she is supposed to she no shows then tells daycare that it is his fault as an unfit father. She made up some damn lie about having a migraine and then because her car was in the shop. So my brother in law went picked up his son then drove by her place and saw that her car was there. so he asks me to call and say that I know her car is there. I guess he just wanted to let her know that other people are on to her game. So I left a message on her voice mail saying we know her car is there and that it is a shame she has to play games. She is now threatening to garnish his wages for half the day care. He just doesn't have the $ now and would lose his home if she did that which in turn would hurt their son. So Peter calls her that same night and this time she picks up and he basically asks her why the hell she is so bent on trying to make his brothers life miserable and she denied it and so Peter said in so many words that she was a self centered bitch. He swore at her so much I couldn't believe my ears. He was hoping to come to Seiji's defense. Now she wants to talk to me and I told my brother in law I don't wish to do so that there is nothing that she could possibly say that would change my opinion of her and that it would take a change in her actions to get her off my shit list.
I have been getting calls from my brother in law again. His ex is up to the bullshit again. When he is supposed to pick up his son for his week, she won't answer the door or her phone. She will make an agreement to go get their son on her off day and it isn't confirmed the day before but the day she is supposed to she no shows then tells daycare that it is his fault as an unfit father. She made up some damn lie about having a migraine and then because her car was in the shop. So my brother in law went picked up his son then drove by her place and saw that her car was there. so he asks me to call and say that I know her car is there. I guess he just wanted to let her know that other people are on to her game. So I left a message on her voice mail saying we know her car is there and that it is a shame she has to play games. She is now threatening to garnish his wages for half the day care. He just doesn't have the $ now and would lose his home if she did that which in turn would hurt their son. So Peter calls her that same night and this time she picks up and he basically asks her why the hell she is so bent on trying to make his brothers life miserable and she denied it and so Peter said in so many words that she was a self centered bitch. He swore at her so much I couldn't believe my ears. He was hoping to come to Seiji's defense. Now she wants to talk to me and I told my brother in law I don't wish to do so that there is nothing that she could possibly say that would change my opinion of her and that it would take a change in her actions to get her off my shit list.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Must be thinking about marriage
We went shopping yesterday at Sams and Peter went over to the jewelry case and started looking at engagement/wedding rings. He has never done that on his own before. He has followed me when I went looking before but always dismissed it. This time he was saying for the price he would just have his brother make me a ring and I told him well we would get a better quality diamond but much smaller and I would rather have the bigger diamond. His brother also doesn't use prong settings and I like how the diamond can be seen in a prong setting. Intead he sort of wraps the diamond in gold or platinum so that you can only see the top of the diamond. I think it takes away from the refective properties as well. My heart shape diamond ring that his brother made is like that and it doesn't sparkle the way my other diamonds have.
Peter has also mentioned on several occasions that he has been thinking about getting married soon. It has taken me so long but I finally know I can make a committment to him for the rest of our lives. Before I couldn't because I didn't feel in my gut I could committ. Now that I am clean and sober I know I want to and that I can. We compliment each other in most areas despite our differences sexually.
Peter has also mentioned on several occasions that he has been thinking about getting married soon. It has taken me so long but I finally know I can make a committment to him for the rest of our lives. Before I couldn't because I didn't feel in my gut I could committ. Now that I am clean and sober I know I want to and that I can. We compliment each other in most areas despite our differences sexually.
Not gone yet
Andrew's aunt couldn't drive part way so Peter didn't take Andrew yesterday. In fact Peter asked what I thought about Andrew staying a few more days. I told him he was only supposed to be here a few days and it turns out he has been here over a week now. I said a few days means 2 days not a week. I asked when his mom was going to be back and he said Wed or Thurs. Ha tried to mislead me again. Peter decided to give me a break from having him here and took Andrew to Reno today with him. I am glad for my privacy. I just feel like I can't be myself when he is around.
The prank caller hasn't called again and I found out Peter left a message saying "if you call my house or call R...(me) again I will break your neck, better yet I will shoot you then break your neck." I have been listening to the message he left me over and over and I have heard that voice before I just can't remember where. On one hand it does sort of sound like my ex disguising his voise in the beginning but the more he speaks the less it sounds like a disquise. We still don't have an answer yet from the reverse directory thing. I hope we don't get ripped off on that. It cost $21 to find out who this is and I want to know.
The prank caller hasn't called again and I found out Peter left a message saying "if you call my house or call R...(me) again I will break your neck, better yet I will shoot you then break your neck." I have been listening to the message he left me over and over and I have heard that voice before I just can't remember where. On one hand it does sort of sound like my ex disguising his voise in the beginning but the more he speaks the less it sounds like a disquise. We still don't have an answer yet from the reverse directory thing. I hope we don't get ripped off on that. It cost $21 to find out who this is and I want to know.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Not again
I have a new prank caller at 2:00 am last night. This time he left a message stating that he has been trying to stalk me since high school or has stalked me since high school. He sounded drunk and said that I am looking quite beautiful. Me and Peter paid to have phone reverse directory to find out who it is. I am getting blamed for giving out my phone number as Peter doesn't believe me. I haven't done anything that stupid since I got drunk the last time in Sept of last year. I don't understand how this person got my new number which is not even in my name, it's in Peter's name. Any way a brief search showed it is from someone in Citrus heights. I can't wait to find out who it is
Friday, August 11, 2006
Shutting the door on feelings
I was peeking at a blogger who lives in Scotland. There were several pictures of buildings, statues, etc. It looked a lot like Ireland. I don't have any pictures from either of my trips and so when I see pictures sometimes I get the same feeling inside like the days that I was actually there. The feelings are so incredibly intense and when I started feeling that I had to shut it off as fast as possible. Much of those same feelings are attached to my ex and I am not ready to go there. It sucks me in and swallows me whole. It isn't a bad feeling really but one that makes me long for and remember. I suppose much of my first spiritual experience was when I went there and saw that whole worlds exist outside of the US. I didn't get the same feeling when I went to Mexico like I thought I would. Everything was different in Ireland and I mean everything. For crying out loud the plumbing runs on the outside of the houses and they still use skeleton keys. All the houses are attached together like duplexes and not one had a window screens.
I have been in a funk the last week and I think in part it has to do with Andrew being here. Everything is a little different when he is here. I like my privacy and I have none when he is around. He is gone this am because he spent the night at a friends house. So until this afternoon I have the whole house to myself. I was a bit bitter at Peter last night. He told me that Andrew would only be staying a few more days. Turns out a few more days meant 6 days not 2. I feel misled as usual. Now he wants me to ride with him to drop off his son in Vallejo on Sat and I told him no. I don't want to drive all that way then turn around and drive back home. Yuck.
Once again I am meeting my sponser at a meeting tonight. I am not looking forward to it and only because I still haven't finished my stinkin 4th step. I only have a little ways to go and now I am just sick of looking at myself. It has been a painful eye opener seeing just how fearful, cruel and selfish I really have been. I don't want to be that same ugly person any more. It could be that I see a lot of myself in Andrew and that is why I dislike him at times.
I have been in a funk the last week and I think in part it has to do with Andrew being here. Everything is a little different when he is here. I like my privacy and I have none when he is around. He is gone this am because he spent the night at a friends house. So until this afternoon I have the whole house to myself. I was a bit bitter at Peter last night. He told me that Andrew would only be staying a few more days. Turns out a few more days meant 6 days not 2. I feel misled as usual. Now he wants me to ride with him to drop off his son in Vallejo on Sat and I told him no. I don't want to drive all that way then turn around and drive back home. Yuck.
Once again I am meeting my sponser at a meeting tonight. I am not looking forward to it and only because I still haven't finished my stinkin 4th step. I only have a little ways to go and now I am just sick of looking at myself. It has been a painful eye opener seeing just how fearful, cruel and selfish I really have been. I don't want to be that same ugly person any more. It could be that I see a lot of myself in Andrew and that is why I dislike him at times.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
you say ketsup I say catch up
Well let's see, Peter got his check. We went boating over the weekend and papa took Aiden fishing his very first time over the weekend. Last Thursday Peter's middle boy, the hellion came to stay with us. I freaked when I caught word that he wants to move back in with us. As it is I want him to go home and things to go back to normal. He would have been gon but his grandma refused to babysit him while his mother went on a trip so she asked us to keep him. What does that tell you!!! The kid took 8 tramadol on Monday and ended up having seizures and taken to the hospital. I took him to a meeting on Thursday. I had planned on taking him to a meeting again today but I am not well at all. I guess he is going home on Saturday.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but nearly three days I have the cold sweats all day and all night long. The only time I feel normal is in a very warm shower. My feet and hands freeze while the rest of me has goose bumps and sweats. I do not have a fever. My back hurt so bad along with the cold sweats that I didn't get to sleep until after 3 am. I have done nothing but take a shower all day. Thank God Aiden has daycare today because I have no energy at all.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but nearly three days I have the cold sweats all day and all night long. The only time I feel normal is in a very warm shower. My feet and hands freeze while the rest of me has goose bumps and sweats. I do not have a fever. My back hurt so bad along with the cold sweats that I didn't get to sleep until after 3 am. I have done nothing but take a shower all day. Thank God Aiden has daycare today because I have no energy at all.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Still no check
His boss called last night and Peter throws in (after I motioned to him while he was on the phone to ask his boss for the check again) please bring his "issue with him tomorrow" at their meeting in the afternoon. He had to say issue because a member of one of the crews was in our house within earshot. HIs boss got the picture and get this......The secretary of the office calls Peter this am and says his boss won't be coming to the meeting today. NOW DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT IS BECAUSE HE WANTS TO AVOID HANDING OVER THE CHECK. I called Peter right before my meeting and told me that and I told him that mother fucker is doing it on purpose. I said excuse my language but that is how I feel. I mentioned asking him to leave at the office so he could pick it up on the way home to make him keep his word. Peter indicated that the office was too farout of the way after all the driving he will have done today. He said the boss will be in the office tomorrow for their business meeting. Let's see, I am pretending to be a fortune teller. I can see him coming up with another excuse and because they are at the office Peter won't have a "little talk" with his boss and his boss knows that so he can withhold it once again. I am so interesed in seeing the date it was issued. If it was on payday it would have been issued the 30th. This guy is the biggest self centered, inconsiderate, chicken shit, lying man I have ever seen.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Alcoholism
I started drinking at about eh age of 12. I experimented at home while my parents bowled. I immediately loved the effect. I continued to drink on the days they left for bowling. I would go to bed before they got home so they wouldn't suspect anything. I would also replace what I drank with water. I finally got caught a few years later when my parents tried serving drinks to friends and they indicated watered down alcohol. By then I had some of my friends drinking with me too. When I got my drivers license it was on too. I set off for party after party then would drive home drunk. I have no idea why my parents didn't suspect until much later. I got drunk once before school while waiting for the bus to come. The friend up the street was the one who provided the alcohol and got drunk with me. She was obvious after she got on the bus and the driver went and told the office. After first period started I was called out of my class. My parents were called and they took me to McDonalds and proceeded to ask me why. I had no answer why. Little did I know that I was an alcholic and that is what alcoholics do....drink. When the alcohol started wearing off I was snet back to school with a pass. Since it didn't indicate a time when I should return I cut class to have the same lunch as my boyfriend. We walked to his house where the housekeeper was cleaning. He let his friend inside to make a sandwich and we went in the garage instead. The family van was parked in there and we got in. I lost my virignity that day in that van. I was 14. He used a white condom and it hurt like hell. I had forgotten that you bleed when the hymen is broke so when I went to my next class. PE I bled through my clothes. I hadn't dressed for gym because I got there late. I asked to be excused to the locker room and had to explain I was bleeding. I am sure many people notice the blood. I changed into sweats. I couldn't wait for the day to end and also didn't want it too either. My mom was coming to pick me up and I had a hair appt to go to. My mother stayed mad at me and from then on hated that girlfriend and blamed her. Years later I told her was me that chose to drink and I did not get influenced by my friend. She still hated the girl.
We continued to have sex a lot, I got my license at aage 16 and we would park anywhere and everywhere having sex in the back seat of my families car. Eventually my mother came across a letter I had written to a friend that I sometimes felt my boyfriend was using me for sex. She found it where I hid it inside of a record album. I was confronted and my father was told. I was shamed. Before all that my mom was open about sex and said I could come to her to talk. It was quite the opposite. She was furious with me and I was no longer allowed to drive her car. I confessed to all the places we had sex, her car parked any where and everywhere, the river, his house. I was forbiden to see him.
I continued to see Gregg and as time progressed I became interested in the drugs he was using, marijuana, meth, cross tops, pink hearts, mushrooms, etc. It was on! I liked the way speed made me feel and within a short period of time I was hooked. I was working then and able to pay for my drugs but would often have to have it "fronted" till pay day. Me and my boyfriend eventually broke up toward the end of high school. One of our friends had killed himself after driving home from a party while intoxicated. He got on the freeway going the wrong direction and crashed into an overpass. It killed him instantly.
I met a boy before school got out while playing softball. He was the brother of one of my teammates. I corrupted him. He started drinking with me, lost his virginity to me. etc. He eventually wanted to start seeing other people including my friends. Luckily some of my friends said no way and told me what he was doing.
After High School I worked as a store bagger and carry out. There was a bakery inside the store but not affiliated in any way. This is where I met my next boyfriend. He partied with me for a few years but when he saw my meth addiction was too bad he insisted we move. We lived next door to meth and coke doke dealers and he thought if we moved I would stop. I just had to drive a little further to get my drugs. He eventually got caught for stealing cases of alcohol from the store. His grandfather, a millionaire lawyer, had a talk with the manager and owner stating his grandson would undergo therapy instead of being prosecured. He was never arrested and the police never got involved. After attending therapy my addiction was brought up and I was asked to join in on a session. I agreed and he told me I was an addict and that I needed inpatient treatment. I didn't have the money for that but my parents did. I didn't have the courage to tell my parents or to ask them to pay for my treatment. My boyfriend agreed to drive all the way out to their house and tell them. I in the mean time went on a run. I had the upstairs neighbor by me a six pack of beer and I drove back to South Sac to my dealers house and had a dime bag or more (can't remember) fronted to me. I proceeded to get high and then didn't want to go to treatment. I drove all around ending up near the Sacto zoo at the bigpark there. Something told my ex I would be there driving around the mansion houses. My dad was the driver. They found me and cut me off with their vehicle. My mom was screaming I just want to talk to you. She was crying really hard. They came to my car and saw the empty bottles of beer....I felt defeated and agreed to go to treatment. I thought I would just be registering then I could go home and pack. It doesn't work that way. I was immediately an inpatient and my boyfriend had to pack my clothes. I stayed clean and sober for 4 years back then.
Here I am now, 16 billion relapses later, 5 more treatment facilities and atleast 10 arrests, three of which are assault but one was dropped to probation violation and one dropped to disturbing the peace, 2 DUI's and the rest are drunk in public. I am at the 6 month mark now and haven't drank alcohol in 10 months now.
We continued to have sex a lot, I got my license at aage 16 and we would park anywhere and everywhere having sex in the back seat of my families car. Eventually my mother came across a letter I had written to a friend that I sometimes felt my boyfriend was using me for sex. She found it where I hid it inside of a record album. I was confronted and my father was told. I was shamed. Before all that my mom was open about sex and said I could come to her to talk. It was quite the opposite. She was furious with me and I was no longer allowed to drive her car. I confessed to all the places we had sex, her car parked any where and everywhere, the river, his house. I was forbiden to see him.
I continued to see Gregg and as time progressed I became interested in the drugs he was using, marijuana, meth, cross tops, pink hearts, mushrooms, etc. It was on! I liked the way speed made me feel and within a short period of time I was hooked. I was working then and able to pay for my drugs but would often have to have it "fronted" till pay day. Me and my boyfriend eventually broke up toward the end of high school. One of our friends had killed himself after driving home from a party while intoxicated. He got on the freeway going the wrong direction and crashed into an overpass. It killed him instantly.
I met a boy before school got out while playing softball. He was the brother of one of my teammates. I corrupted him. He started drinking with me, lost his virginity to me. etc. He eventually wanted to start seeing other people including my friends. Luckily some of my friends said no way and told me what he was doing.
After High School I worked as a store bagger and carry out. There was a bakery inside the store but not affiliated in any way. This is where I met my next boyfriend. He partied with me for a few years but when he saw my meth addiction was too bad he insisted we move. We lived next door to meth and coke doke dealers and he thought if we moved I would stop. I just had to drive a little further to get my drugs. He eventually got caught for stealing cases of alcohol from the store. His grandfather, a millionaire lawyer, had a talk with the manager and owner stating his grandson would undergo therapy instead of being prosecured. He was never arrested and the police never got involved. After attending therapy my addiction was brought up and I was asked to join in on a session. I agreed and he told me I was an addict and that I needed inpatient treatment. I didn't have the money for that but my parents did. I didn't have the courage to tell my parents or to ask them to pay for my treatment. My boyfriend agreed to drive all the way out to their house and tell them. I in the mean time went on a run. I had the upstairs neighbor by me a six pack of beer and I drove back to South Sac to my dealers house and had a dime bag or more (can't remember) fronted to me. I proceeded to get high and then didn't want to go to treatment. I drove all around ending up near the Sacto zoo at the bigpark there. Something told my ex I would be there driving around the mansion houses. My dad was the driver. They found me and cut me off with their vehicle. My mom was screaming I just want to talk to you. She was crying really hard. They came to my car and saw the empty bottles of beer....I felt defeated and agreed to go to treatment. I thought I would just be registering then I could go home and pack. It doesn't work that way. I was immediately an inpatient and my boyfriend had to pack my clothes. I stayed clean and sober for 4 years back then.
Here I am now, 16 billion relapses later, 5 more treatment facilities and atleast 10 arrests, three of which are assault but one was dropped to probation violation and one dropped to disturbing the peace, 2 DUI's and the rest are drunk in public. I am at the 6 month mark now and haven't drank alcohol in 10 months now.
The check
So Peter talked to his boss on Monday. He explained all that he does for the company and how he deserves to be paid the same amount. His boss agreed and said he would give him his check. I told Peter I bet he is lying. He is a big fat friggin liar. Peter described his personality to a t. He said he is a self absorbed, poor me, self indulged person. So Tuesday rolls around and by the end of the day no check. Peter believes he should get it by the end of the week. He hasn't talked to him about it again. I would have rode his ass all over again if it were me. His boss did say he did't want him to leave. He claimed Peter hasn't been a team player. I believe the office people are the ones that are saying that and saying Peter gets paid too much. Peter is the highest paid employee in the company and he has added waterproofing to their company and many other things as well. If it weren't for him whole crews wouldn't be working.
Peter has been praying like crazy about all this. I have never believed in prayer for ones own needs except that thy will be done. His prayers ask the Lord for specific things for himself. I am not saying that is wrong at all. We just differ in the ways we pray is all. I am glad that he is turning it over to God. I can tell he is stressed out to the max but doesn't want to talk about it. He feels like he is failing his family and I assured him last week that isn't so. I know he devotes 10 to 12 hours a day and even at home to his work. He develops strong relationships with the crew members and has gained their respect. In turn they do favors for him all the time. We are often invited to their homes for birthday gatherings, great big taco feasts and the like. We had tacos sent home from one of the workers one weekend and they were authentic tacos like from Mexico and they were the best I have ever had. So was the salsa. I guess the guy who cooked it was a cook in Mexico when he lived there.
Well any how I wanted to also mention that it isn't wise to use that Spray and wash dual action Stain remover plus oxy clean on clothes other than white because it bleaches out the area you sprayed it on. I ruined three shirts from using it on pink, burgandy and blue t shirts. For the ladies I will recomend Bare Natural by Loreal. It is a mineral posder foundation. It works great and I don't break out as bad as I used to. It covers evenly, gives a healthy glow, lasts for hours and looks pretty natural. It is also much easier to match skin tone. I found one that is exactly my skin color so there are never any "lines".
Peter has been praying like crazy about all this. I have never believed in prayer for ones own needs except that thy will be done. His prayers ask the Lord for specific things for himself. I am not saying that is wrong at all. We just differ in the ways we pray is all. I am glad that he is turning it over to God. I can tell he is stressed out to the max but doesn't want to talk about it. He feels like he is failing his family and I assured him last week that isn't so. I know he devotes 10 to 12 hours a day and even at home to his work. He develops strong relationships with the crew members and has gained their respect. In turn they do favors for him all the time. We are often invited to their homes for birthday gatherings, great big taco feasts and the like. We had tacos sent home from one of the workers one weekend and they were authentic tacos like from Mexico and they were the best I have ever had. So was the salsa. I guess the guy who cooked it was a cook in Mexico when he lived there.
Well any how I wanted to also mention that it isn't wise to use that Spray and wash dual action Stain remover plus oxy clean on clothes other than white because it bleaches out the area you sprayed it on. I ruined three shirts from using it on pink, burgandy and blue t shirts. For the ladies I will recomend Bare Natural by Loreal. It is a mineral posder foundation. It works great and I don't break out as bad as I used to. It covers evenly, gives a healthy glow, lasts for hours and looks pretty natural. It is also much easier to match skin tone. I found one that is exactly my skin color so there are never any "lines".
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