Shutting the door on feelings

I was peeking at a blogger who lives in Scotland. There were several pictures of buildings, statues, etc. It looked a lot like Ireland. I don't have any pictures from either of my trips and so when I see pictures sometimes I get the same feeling inside like the days that I was actually there. The feelings are so incredibly intense and when I started feeling that I had to shut it off as fast as possible. Much of those same feelings are attached to my ex and I am not ready to go there. It sucks me in and swallows me whole. It isn't a bad feeling really but one that makes me long for and remember. I suppose much of my first spiritual experience was when I went there and saw that whole worlds exist outside of the US. I didn't get the same feeling when I went to Mexico like I thought I would. Everything was different in Ireland and I mean everything. For crying out loud the plumbing runs on the outside of the houses and they still use skeleton keys. All the houses are attached together like duplexes and not one had a window screens.

I have been in a funk the last week and I think in part it has to do with Andrew being here. Everything is a little different when he is here. I like my privacy and I have none when he is around. He is gone this am because he spent the night at a friends house. So until this afternoon I have the whole house to myself. I was a bit bitter at Peter last night. He told me that Andrew would only be staying a few more days. Turns out a few more days meant 6 days not 2. I feel misled as usual. Now he wants me to ride with him to drop off his son in Vallejo on Sat and I told him no. I don't want to drive all that way then turn around and drive back home. Yuck.

Once again I am meeting my sponser at a meeting tonight. I am not looking forward to it and only because I still haven't finished my stinkin 4th step. I only have a little ways to go and now I am just sick of looking at myself. It has been a painful eye opener seeing just how fearful, cruel and selfish I really have been. I don't want to be that same ugly person any more. It could be that I see a lot of myself in Andrew and that is why I dislike him at times.