quick update

School is great..hard though. I love step aerobics, math isn't too hard yet and English, I can tell will be very challenging and time consuming. tuesdays and Thursdays I am on campus from 8 til 3...whew long day, plus tons and tons of homework.

Our house appraised at $410k just like I had guessed. So Peter had asked his boss for a bonus of $10 and got it. It is sitting in the bank right now, my dad offered to help with $20k and then we were going to sell the expedition to make up the rest but it appears that Peter's dad is giving us $10k as well. We talked to some local realtors who project the housing market to continue dropping for the next 2 years and then we should see a slow steady climb. The more I think about it the more I think we should be done with trying to buy another house. We need to work on getting this one paid off so our kids will have something when we leave this earth.

Let's see. Jared went to work for a week in San Jose with Peter's company and is working just about 16 hour days. Peter spent the night out of town the night before last as he had to drive to Monterey then back to San Jose and it was too long of a drive especially considering the night before he got home near 8 pm and had to shower and go to bed for the next am drive to Monterey. He saw Jared working ad says he is a hard worker. I think he got a ll bent out of shape shen I told him Jared had no work ethic and was milking the system. He wrote an email to me saying he is working long hard hours and the guys like him so he does have good work ethic. So I said nothing more about his son. He he is obviously blinded by love. He went in to his normal work about a week ago at Lowes and told them he wants his job back and they said to get a release as usual and to come back the end of Sept.? What, the end of Sept.? So for now he is working for his dad and collecting disability pay. Gee don't see a problem there huh?

What else, oh Aiden is back in school. I sure missed him that first week. He has been home with me all summer and has gone back only Tues and Thurs like me, but still. His preschool diretor said they are getting a new preschool teacher for the 4 year olds. She will let me know what the curriculum looks like so I can coordinate with home schooling stuff. My dad bought Aiden a phonics kit for Kindergarten/learning to read. It does have leraning the abc in the kit so we are working on that too. People say Aiden is really smart and he is, but not with things like abc's and counting etc. He uses tons of words and knows a lot about different things, I think mostly because we discuss a lot of things with Aiden and treat him as if he is a bit older than he really is. Something that was also done with me as an only child.

Well writing all this crap has gotten boring so I will end for now.

School starts

I am thinking about deleting this whole blog. I don't have any urge to write here any more. I guess I will just let it sit just in case I change my mind.

I start school tomorrow and I am a little nervous. I always am the first day and then I am fine after that. This year will be even harder I am sure. I am taking a step aerobic class to try and get in shape, get healthy and increase my energy. I have two left feet so we will just see how it goes. HA.

Jared is so not hurt at all but isn't going back to the dr til 9/11 to get a release to return to work. I lectured Peter this weekend and said it is not his job to find work around our house so he can earn some money and it isn't his job to find work for him at his company. It is Jared's job and he isn't doing shit to get back to work. He got kinda defensive but then later I heard him talk to his ex and say the same thing to her basically that Jared isn't doing anything to get back to work to pay his own bills. Later at auntie Maria's birthday dinner I told him again that Jared is milking the system and that I have seen that sort of "you owe me mentallity" all the time at my job. I can smell fraud a mile away. Sad to say about his son but true. He is lazy and likes to play the victim at everything. What ever.

We still don't know if we will lose the house. We had an appraiser come out last week and should know today what it will take to save the house. I have a feeling we will have to come up with $40k to save it or else try to buy a new house. Who knows. I am trying not to worry about it any more because it wasn't doing me any good.

Lazy kids

Last week Andrew was supposed to come back up and work another week for Peter's company. He did't want to so Jared came up instead with the intention of taking his place. They were doing heavy labor for 16 hours a day. Now mind you this kid says he is too hurt to go back to work and filed for state disability. What is wrong with this picture. His dad is taking up fo him because h is saying no one will release him to return to work full duty until he has an mri of the shoulder. I am all look. Time has passed since either dr saw him and he is much better. Don't tell me you can't go in to the dr office and say hay I am better relesase me to rtw. But no his kid wants to milk the system and I am sorry, I hand;e Workers' comp claims for years and don't take lightly people who abuse the system. His medical insurance kicked in this week. He never went to work for Peter's co, because the boss said it was too much of a liability. On Fri Sat he worked on side jobs. No problem. He also got his insurance stuff in the mail with cards and stuff. So we told him that now he has insuranc ehe needs to call a get a primary care dr, make and appt and get a referral IF necessary and get a release to return to work. he didn't do shit. When he was leaving on Sund Peter asked me to look on line to get the names of primary dr's off the net. I didn't find anything in time before they left. So when I found a shit load of a list. I copied the info of about 15 dr.'s their names, address and tele. numbers and emailed it to Jared saying that if he can work for his dad he can work for Lowes and to get off his duff because Lowes doesn't owe him anything. He didn't even make it past probabtion befor ehe started losing time from work. He is one lazy kid. We paid him and bit to do some jobs around the house and he did a half assed job on everything. It wasn't even worth paying him not too mention that it isn't our resposnibility to provide him with work or money. That kind of shit pisses me off because he takes advantage of his dad. Peter is too easy on his kid. He says Jared isn't very smart. I kno this but it is no excuse. Everyone has been telling him what needs to be done and he doesn't because he doesn't care if he goes back at Lowes. He told me. I know he is just working it and that is what pisses me off about Peter offering him work up here. I only offered a few things to do, just enough so Peter didn't bug me and not so much that he makes bank at our house. bullshit.

There that is what has been bugging me.

As for the house, Peter asked for a $10,000 bonus from his boss (so we didn't have to sell the expedition) and his boss said yes, when do we need it? Peter told him in two weeks, so we will believe it when we see it. That will be a total of $30,000 to make up for the difference in what we owe and what the house is worth. The appraiser is coming out finally... not set yet but soon.

That bitch still has a ton of Jared's stuff because Jared decided to leave it. All those things, Peter or myself gave to him when he moved out. It was intended for him not her. He left a microwave, speakers, stereo, bed, rice cooker, crock pot, etc.

Been forever since I posted

I really haven't felt much like writing. I imagine I will eventually just stop all together.

Still no word on whether we can save our house or not. The neighbors to the rt of us with the older kids walked out of their house this weekend. I had a feeling they lost their house because the weeds in both the front and back have taken over and anyone intending to sell or rent would not have left it in that condition. Long story short. I had the chance to talk to someone that actually knew them personally and she said they had gotten behind in their payments and gave up. I get scared that will be us. Although we could financial help. I am having my cousin's wife, who workers for a mortgage office, see if she can help. The other guy is still working on our case but we are at a stand still until we have the house appraised. I still don't feel hopeful.

In any case I offered to go back to work several times and Peter says no, to go to school like I had planned. I am registered for math, English and aerobics. After this math class I only have one more that goes toward the AS degree.

Aiden has been in swimming lessons. I don't think he will be going today though. It is cold and overcast. Stragne weather. Sat it was 105 then yesterday it was warm and windy as hell. Now today it is probably in the low 60's and full of grey clouds. he only has three days left in this phase. I was going to sign him up for another class which would run into college, but I am not. He isn't looking forward to going back to school. I originally had planned on putting him in three days a week. However, I didn't get the classes on the days I wanted so technically I have clase Tues and Thurs. again. Since we are in a financial pinch he will stick to two days a week still. We have been going to bed really late and getting up late these days so it is time to get aiden on an early schedule. I start my first class at 8 am this year instead of 9. We slept until 9:40 today though. I got no sleep last night going from Aiden's bed to the couch to Peter's bed. Jared is here for a few days trying to do stuff to earn money. He has been off of work for a few months with a shoulder injury. I thought in the beginning he wasn't hurt, but was all mentally depressed, because the ex girlfriend is now dating his ex best friend and she claims to love him and shit. Yeah right. Ha Peter is callling her the bitch now. She was supposed to pay internet service which was in Jared's name after they broke up but she didn't and now it is in collections. She also bought him a ring using Jared's credit at the Jewelry store and he is having to pay for it now and she won; give him the ring back. I told Peter see I told you so. You claimed that girl could do no wrong and that it was just me yada yadda. Now he sees her real side. He was having trouble with a woman at work. The lady that does all the scheduling, payroll, accounting and also because Peter's boss let her, decisions on which accounts to actually do work for. Well in his bosses eyes this woman walked on water, when in reality she was a bitch to everyone. So I told him it was like the same thing for Jared's ex and me. Peter's co worker quit. HA good. She offered to stay on until the new girl learned the ropes but the boss said nope, your gone today. He asked for all the keys and passwords. Another co worker found a file which was paid up in full but there was no record of it. They suspect foul play. So he will be checking into embezzelment.


What else? Not much. We went to the fair this weekend. Had an okay time. Aiden had fun and that was the important thing. I didn't bring my camera and wish I had. Aiden and his buddies Bradley and Natalie all rode ponies and some rides together. We have become increasingly more friendly with our neighbors. So we really have a huge mtivatin to stay. Our kids all play together and it gives us moms a break. Natalie who is 2 adores Aiden. She looks at him like she loves him all googly eyed. It is the cutest thing ever.

feel like crying

It is not looking good for us to keep our house. We are working with a mortgage broker who is trying a pecial program thru freddie mac or fannie mae, one of those any way, for people like us that owe more than our house is worth. So far they have rejected each of our loan requests and after this last one money will come out of our pocket. I told Peter let's keep trying. Neither of us want to give up our home. Sure there are nicer ones out these days, even bigger ones that we can afford but we love our house, our neighbors and besides we have spent thousands of dollars on this home and property to make it the way we like it. In order to get out from under it we would have to buy a new home and well you fill in the blanks. I went looking this week over by the water park. There are some beautiful, upscale homes with in walking distance to the water park. 2 stories which Aiden loves and a second master suite on the ground floor for my dad if something should ever happen to Monti. It is nice Peter is open to taking care of my dad like that. Our current home doesn't have an extra bedroom large enought to accomodate my dad with an attached bathroom, like the ones I visited this week. So maybe it would be a godd thing. All I know is I am trying o stay open and positive because this has to be happening for a reason. In the long run it has to be in our best interest. If we move it had better be a good enough home for us to retire in because that will be our last shot!!!

Going's on...broke

We had pretty good weekend. We went to a grand opening of a fire station in West Sac., the Railroad Museum in old Sac and swimming at Peter's friends house. Our neighbors to the left of us, who have a 3 year old boy and a 2 year old girl, went as well, except to swim at our friends house. We took Jared, Andrew and Heather too. It was a long day and Aiden was in heaven with the trains. I certainly don't want to lose the house. We are becoming quite friendly with ourneighbors and Aiden has made some great friends with the kids on our street.

We are broke. Peter paid too much on the credit cards and didn't leave money left for living expenses so we are going to have to borrow from my dad. He has lined up jobs on the side but we won't see any money from that for a while. I offered to work and may need to depending on what the Mortgage guy finds out for us supposedly this week. I am now going to be more active in the bill paying, finance dept. because I do not trust Peter's judgement any longer. It was him that got is in this whole F'n mess in the first place, although he wouldn't agree.

Today I started the South Beach diet. I like my bigger boobs, but I hate my bigger gut and butt. So I am going to give it a whirl. The first two weeks are the hardest so we'll see how disciplined I can be

Global warming

It was 109 yesterday and it is expected to be just as hot today. I was out at 9 am watering and sweating because it was already like in the 90's. Our airconditioning bill is going to be $400 I bet and we are broke broke broke. The effects of the house payment going up hit us hard and Peter, dummy paid well over the minimum due on all our credit cards leavng no money to live on. The entire next pay check goes to the mortgage. So we are broke for 4 weeks. I want to go back to work and he keeps saying no don't worry it will work out. WTF? When is he going to worry.

Have a Happy 4th Folks

We are just doing a small BBQ at our house with my dad, his gf, and her grandson. We are coordinating fire works with our neighbors, who will be home too.

I sure hope we can keep our house. We love where we live and our neighbors are great. We are going to start doing things together with the neighbors to the left of us. We are taking the kids to a grand opening of a firestation in West Sac, then to the train station and then over to Peter's friends house to swim. His friend Sam, his wife Sally and their daughter Taylor were over last weekend, so we were invited up to swim this weekend. I made all cold salads so I didn't have to cook and it gave me the opportunity to talk with Sally and Peter's parents this weekend.

I was really getting into juicy stuff with Harumi but then Peter's dad came in and said it was time to go so we didn't get to finish. I guess uncle solar didn't even tell his dad or Harumi that he was moving to Roseville. Thye told him not to go through with buying the house, so I am sure he doesn't want to hear I told you so from his dad.

This is my Dr.

Getting ready for the BBQ.

Since I am obsessive compulsive, it is always a major ordeal having company over. It takes me two days, plus the day of the BBQ to clean the house and prepare the food. I don't kow why or when I became so particular about having the house clean before company came, to the point they could eat off the toilet or the floor, but I know my family thinks I am wasting my time. My dad is a slob, so I know I got it from my mom. I remember as a kid that if I didn't mop the floor by hand good enough, she would make me do the whole thing over again. So I suppose I carried this attitude of perfection into adult hood.

I do not like having people in my house if you can visibly see dust on the tables. Something that happens a day or so after I polish the furniture, because we open the windows all over the house. Yesterday I went to te store and bought paste wax and waxed and buffed all of the living room furniture. I overly clean it one afternoon a while back and it left a cloudy film all over the tops of the wood furniture. I haven't been able to get it back to the original lustre since. The wax helped but my over zealous cleaning is going to force me to refinish the furniture. Something I have never done.

We are either going to have either BBQ steak, which will cost a lot, or BBQ chicken, home made potato salad, Citrus green bean salad, Harumi is bringing a pasta salad, and Peter's friends are bringing ribs and dessert. I guess Peter will be making his teriyaki sauce for the marinade. Speakin of I sure wish we could have figured out how to can that stuff. It was the only hold back from selling the stuff.

This is my last letter to auntie Prozac

:
I also forwarded a copy of all your emails to Jeff. So don't even try to twist my words around to make you look good and then try to use them for family court. I will get up there and tell a judge exactly what I said and I will bring a copy of everything.

As far as I am concerned I was still ill informed on a lot of things from both sides. And Carol, I think you know now my feelings on you saying you are going to be here and then I don't even get a call until the evening saying you will be home the next day. You ruined our entire day by having us waiting around for you. So don't even tell me Jeff is the irresponsible one and the one who doesn't inform me of things. I think the only difference is that you are atleast willing to see where you were wrong, where as Jeff appears to still believe that I jumped the gun and blamed him for no good cause. This whole thing is exactly what I didn't want. I didn't want to get involved in your guys shit. Here I am though. Smack dab in the middle.

We can't be friends again Carol. I would have liked to have been friends all along, but you became increasing undependable and unreliable and I got sick of it being a one sided relationship and I also got tired of hearing about Jeff did this, Jeff did that. Now the same thing is happening for Jeff. We have beoming increasing close ,but Carol did this and Carol did that is getting old too. There are two sides to every story, I certainly will agree to that. I have said all along to Peter that it isn't just Carol to blame. I don't know how to make it better for either side. All I know is that I don't like being in the middle. I don't like having to hear only one side and being forced to believe that that is the only truth to the story. I don't like not being able like and love both of you.

I would bet a million dollars if I had it to bet, that if both of you made the decision and follow through to treat each other how you would wish to be treated (the golden rule) then none of this would be happening. You would be getting along like two responsible, mature adults.
--
Regina


This is her response and I must say this woman is really nuts. No more explanation needed as to why we can't be friends ever again.

Hi Regina:

I agree. You and Peter get put into hellacious situations at Jeff's convenience. Since he feels you are family and 'that's what family's do for one another' he has grown extremely adept at taking advantage of you. Primarily you, since you had to take care of
Seiji the entire week. I know you care for him. In the future, charge Jeff at least $25 - $40 per day or this will continue on for sure, particularly since he has now filed with the court to not EVER have to take Seiji to pre-school. Nothing like dumbing a kid down (not with you, but when he just drives around and Seiji gets to sit in the back seat bored out of his mind). His court document states that he has relatives more than willing to watch Seiji. Hmm - wonder if that's you all.

I'm sorry I was so naive to think that you and I could be friends again. You're wicked fucked up drunk/drug personality comes out and you become one scary lady. Something that will not hold up in court - ever. Also - Family court services is not a jury court and the judge will not allow anyone to stand up and provide their opinion. Jeff tried to stand up once and the Judge vehemently told him to "SIT DOWN". So don't waste your time.

It's too bad that the entire Kosinsky family has turned out to be so vindictive, egocentric, unconscionable, and downright nasty to me. Do you all think that Seiji isn't going to catch on one of these days - it's a guarantee that he will, and he'll likely be disgusted with all of you for lying to him all along. Feel free to pass this along. I'm sick of the rest of you as well. Even my parents and other relatives have recently communicated to me that they felt there was something really off (odd, wrong) with Jeff. Borderline personality disorder is the name of his illness and he needs help soon before he destroys both of his sons, at the expense of you, Peter and Aiden, and then down on through the rest of the family.

Well, I've got enough to do here in preparing a response to Jeff's most recent order to show cause in which he once again attempts to bring up untruths that the Judge has already gotten irritated with. He even goes so far as to state that he has a "great job", (the third in less than 4 years) but then comments on how he can't pay for 1/2 of Seiji's nursery school because he is in bankruptcy. He outright lies that his family can take care of Seiji during the week instead of taking him to daycare on his days. Regina, you might want to discuss this with him

I have a life, unfortunately, you and Peter have chosen the wrong person to be in it so be prepared to be taken advantage of for the next 35-40 years, since Jeff will probably have to move in with you.

At this turn, we do not have anything more to discuss. I will be providing you a copy with the last court order (with mediation report ) and when the future one is completed I'll provide it as well as well as any other relevant information that could endanger you and your family. What Jeff did to you last week, put you in contempt of court and subject to arrest for child kidnapping. I've spoken with the DA, and if should choose to do so, Jeff could be charged with child abandonment immediately. I've been way too lenient with him, but that's over. ending.

Feel free to simply toss the 'Thank You' card that I sent. I had hoped we could be friends. I'm sorry to have gotten mixed up with such a messed up mentally ill group of people to begin with and will be glad when Seiji realizes it and gets out as well.


What do you think folks? I know it isn't even worth my time to reply to this one. Let her think she has won at getting even at me. I really didn't feel angry about this at all and I think it is because I really couldn't give a shit about her opinion.

This is the kind of shit I put up with the last few days and last week

Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2007 00:32:41 -0700
From: carol
Subject: RE: Re the strange stories we hear!!!
To:

Jeff - You are so full of doo doo.

Plus you know that this is not my correct e-mail address.
But ha! Now I know 2 of yours. Naah naah naah

jeff wrote:
Carol now has a record with the county DA for assault and domestic abuse, its the last time she hits or kicks me in front of my son and is allowed to get away with it.

The sheriff went to her door , she was was too paranoid to answer , so only my statement was taken and recorded , this along with all the verbal, phone (recorded) threats and written threats show a very good picture of who she really is. I have collected quite a record of her narcissistic and psychotic behavior.

It will be very powerful in court an/or mediation.

Seiji has also said, "Mommy burned me" and "mommy hit me." I have photos and witnesses of his injuries. So next is CPS.

She also tells me that she is no longer on antidepressants, this is probably a lie, but if true, it could be even more dangerous for Seiji. She lies continuously about her having interviews for jobs, her car is broke down, etc. She also drops Seiji off with her drug addict friend Terri, I know this because Seiji tells me.


Love,
Jeff



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: me
To: jeff
Subject: FW: Re the strange stories we hear!!!
Date: Mon, 25 Jun 2007 16:23:31 +0000




--
Love, Regina

-------------- Forwarded Message: --------------
From: Carol
To: me and carol
Subject: Re the strange stories we hear!!!
Date: Sun, 24 Jun 2007 10:26:44 +0000

HI again - I think I already addressed all the information below in my first e-mail!
The only reason I said anything to Jeff about police/sherriff's is to try to get him to understand that he's putting you all in a predicament by not letting me know where my little boy is! I am supposed to be kept informed where he is, whether he's with family or others. Jeff's interpretation of family law, the mediator's report, and the judge's orders, is not accurate (not to mention that he fully irritates the hell out of the Judge, but that's another story). Jeff really does think that if he's with family, then I have no right to know anything. He does NOT consider what is in Seiji's best interest at all, and that's the important thing that the court emphasizes over and over. Monica told me that he even used to refuse to tell her where he lived which is against both state and federal law, but Jeff is apparently exempt.

I'm very much in agreement about what you state below regarding schedules, wheraqbouts etc. Even if I were at a conference, I would provide you that Emergency number for the p eople putting on the conference as well as a hotel number! You and I are very much alike in that we want to know what store you're going to and when you're getting back. When someone is a minute late I start to panic and will call over and over. I've always appreciated that about you as well. For some of the silly things you and I have done in our lives, there are those certain rules that we are sticklers too!

I do hope to talk with you soon!
Love,
Carol
(REMEMBER - different e-mail!!!)
I wrote:
Carol,

Now I am told by Jeff that you knew before you even left town that I would be watching Seiji. Why then did you say he didn't notify you? Why then didn't you call me and let me know exactly when you are picking Seiji up? Why are you know threatening to call the cops on Jeff's family? He said you have called him again and that you are threatening to call the cops on us. For what? Taking lovingly care of your child is a crime? Since when is it a crime?

I told Jeff that it is absolutely no problem to watch Seiji. My biggest problem is just not knowing when I can expect him to be picked up. I don't think that is unreasonable request and I am disappointed that this whole thing is now totally blown up. Jeff is now pissed at me and thinks that I don't want to watch his son. NOT THE CASE. As I said, I was told one thing and then when I called to verify it, I get a different story. Sorry Jeff you didn't tell me you talked to Carol about him being here. And no I wouldn't have reason to assume that you are required to notify Carol that I am watching him. As you know, I do not share custody of Aiden so I don't have personal experience with this. Jeff you told me before that you are NOT required to notify Carol when he is being watched by family. So that is why I didn't know you told her. I didn't get a call from her stating when she would be coming so again I wouldn't ha ve reason to believe you told her. Don't know who's fault it is, but if I watch Seiji again I need to know the specifics. Seiji has been no trouble at all. I am a planner and I pay attention to detail. I don't like not knowing what is going on. Even if a different route is taken to the grocery store I will ask where are you going, I thought you were going to the grocery store. That is who I am. I want to know what is going on at all times.

Sorry Jeff that you are so terribly worried about Seiji as I stated this isn't even about Seiji this is about Being informed by you guys of what is going on.

--
Love, Regina

letter to Peter

Peter,
I am grateful Maria ended up with us for the week, as she was a tremendous help. I told her that God must have had his hand in that one. Please try to remember though, that I am an only child. The majority of my entire life I have been alone, except of boyfriends in the home etc. I am not used to having company spending the night. So for me, even though Maria and Seiji are family, it still feels like her and Seiji are house guests. I never feel like I can let my hair down and relax. Probably just like you feel like when you have to go to Monti's house to visit. I know you aren't the most comfortable there. It really is the same feeling for me when company comes over. I need a break. I haven't had a break from company since last Sunday. I have been "ON" 24.7 for the last 6 days. Then it would have turned into 7 had we still planned on this BBQ. The kids were awake past 11 pm last night needing this or that. Seiji crying for his mommy and daddy, Aiden needing gas medicine and cream for his back and then tylenol for the pain and then them getting out of bed and hitting their heads, etc.

Truly I love your family and love being a part of. I enjoy them emensely so this has more to do with me needing my space back for a few days than it does them personally or any other guest for that matter. I know my limits. Perhaps you should go spend a week living with my dad to know what I am talking about. Ha! I just saw your eyes get big and a big fat NO flash across your brain. See what I am talking about? Although by far your family doesn't talk as much as my dad, but when you get the two kids together there isn't much difference. I know you can attest to this when you walk thru the front door every night. So, with that I would appreciate a little more understanding about not wanting the BBQ on Sat. I have felt like I have been going going since before finals. I started work on the house right away, then got sick and went to Six flags any way took a short break and then I was back at it again working on the house, having company again etc, etc.--

My final letter to both Peter and Uncle Solar Am I a total bitch?

Dear Jeff,

The entire reason I asked you to call Carol was so that you could pin down an exact date of when she could pick Seiji up. You frequently had complained that Carol doesn't pick up Seiji on her scheduled days. I witnessed this myself on Mothers Day. I didn't want the same scenario to happen to me and I advised you of that verbally. I thought also by chance that if Carol knew I was the one taking care of Seiji that by chance she would want to pick up her son as scheduled. I guess I did not make myself clear. It wasn't just a matter of calling her or emailing her and saying hey by the way, Regina is watching our son. I could have done that myself.

Now I understand emergencies come up. We have one on our hands right now. I am not in a huff over it because Carol gave me the courtesy of calling and letting me know her mom was in the hospital and that she needed to wait for her brother to show before she could leave. By anyone's standards, I would guess that for 24/7 - 5 days in a row of watching two 3 year olds it is a challenge and not just because I am some self centered biotch. Maria was at the end of her patience yesterday when we had to take away the Thomas train set and put the two boys in separate rooms to play until they could play with each other with out fighting. She too can attest to this. I am not some uncaring, uncompassionate person who hates little kids. I merely had expectations that babysitting would only be for a few days and that I would have plenty of time between to take a break and then get ready for the BBQ on Sat. Thankfully Peter canc elled it for me, although it was not with out complete and utter diappointment that I am not a robot that can perform and do things for other people several days in a row. He is not very understanding when it comes to things like that. Regina

I'm mad as hell and I ain't gonna take it no mo

I don't even remember the last time I posted.

This is what has gone on. First I agreed to watch Seji for a FEW days. I told uncle Solar that I needed for him to talk to his ex and to pin down a specific date when she was coming to get Seiji because if it turned out like it does with him and she doesn't come get Seiji I will have watched Seiji for atleast 6 days until he returned on the 23. Seiji arrived at noon on Monday. Monday night he called and said her plane was arriving tomorrow. I said oh, I wasn't expecting her til Wednesday but that is fine. Her plane he said was arriving Tuesday after noon. So I didn't execpt her to show that night. Mind you Maria has been at our house sine Sunday night. Peter talked with her last Sat and found out that she relapsed and had gotten beat up. SHe was down in the dumps so I told him to ask her if she would like to stay a few days.

So any ways, Wednesday rolls around and I finally have Carol's phone number from Jeff so I called. She claims that her flight wasn't coming in until Thurs and that she will be in to pick Seiji up that eve. She said she couldn't be bothered to be told by unclse Solar that Seiji was being watched by me. I said, oh so you haven't known that he has been heresince Monday. She said he simply sent her an email stating that Seiji was at my house. Far cry from what I told him I needed for him to do. I thought I had made it clear that I would not agree to watch Seiji unless I knew exactly when the kid was being picked up. I then proceed to send an email to the both of them. keboard courage and all. Stating that the lack of their ability to communicate with one another has affected me and my family. I was hot.I told uncle Solar that he never even bothered to tell me whether or not he talked with Carol. She never even bothered to call and check on her son or to make arrangements to pick him up even after she finally knew h was here. Fucking irresponsible parents@!!
So Jeff calls me on the phone. Starts ylling at me that ofcourse he told Carol Seiji was here. I said how the hell would I have known and it was more that just telling her he as here I wanted to know when the hell he was being picked up. He couldn't grasp that concept at all. I ended up hanging up on him. He talked to Peter for a while and was supposedly worried that I didn't want to watch Seiji and that he was some how being misstreated or some shit like that. I wrote back to him and said this had nothing to do with Seiji personally thta at one point Jeff told me he never had to tell Carol that family was watching his son. So how the fuck would I have known any damned conversation went on at all. he never said shit to me. He wrote back a letter stating how surprised he was to see my "rage" and how I only think of myself yadda yadda so I wrote one last fucking email stating exactly what I have been doing for # of his family members for the last week and how I alos had plans to have a BBQ as Requested by Peter so no I am not only thinking of myself. I told him over and over I am a planner and I like to know exactly what is going on at all times. To bad he never fully could understand how it looked from my end. He drops his son off and then I don't know shit about what is going on. I told him I don't do face to face confrontations well so it was easier and more polite of me to write. I told him I know how I get and trust me it is a lot more worse for me to go at him verbally. He was all what happened the angelic lovey Regina Whcih is the real Regina? I felt like saying I am the same Regina you fucking moron just like you are the same Jeff when you yell at Seiji's mamma calling her a cunt whore bitch to her face.

temp. today

It's 86 F at 9:30 am. The expected high is 102 degrees F. I think, if I can find a suit that fits, we will hit the public pool today to cool off.

Home improvement

The last of my work is to touch up pain the walls. I went to the paint shop an asked for a gallon to match the sample I had ofthe flat wall paint. I brought it home and put it on the wall. Two very large walls and several smaller. The larger walls I had covered from the bottom to half way up the wall and several feet long. The friggin color was too light. So I took it back in and they darkened it. So I tested it on the dining room area. It looked to be amatch so I kept on covering up the first paint job. I finished it up in the bedroom. Later in the day I noticed that it in fact was not a match and was still noticeably too light. Now I am a half gallon into the wrong color. I took it in yesterday and brought it home today. This time I will do a small patch in each room and then let it dry. No more stupidity. I hope it matches because I don't want to have to paint the entire walls.

We are still waiting to here from the mortgage guy who said we may qualify for a special program for people who are upside down in their loan. I asked Peter to call the guy for an update but he said that the mortgage broker said it would take a few weeks because it is a new program. I am getting impatient, especially since we have worked so hard these last several weeks getting the house spring cleaned, inside and out.

Monday

I was still sick when we went to Six Flags. I didn't eat anything at the park. I just drank these snow cone like things. When we first got there until around 2, I was wishing I had stayed home or at the very least lie down in the car. I held up though and ate on the way home. I was too tired on Friday to get ready for a party, so I cancelled. Peter wasn't happy, but I was not about to put myself through trying to get it all done in one day. The kids spent the night Thursday night and went home on Friday for Jared's birthday party. We were invited, but I wasn't about to go and feel like a wall flower, when Peter knew everyone because him and his ex were married for 15 years. I told him he could go but I wasn't about to that it would feel too awkward.

I did clean house on Sat and Sun. It took me two days, so I know I wouldn't have been able to get that party done. I still haven't hit the grocery store. Peter went back to work today. Thhhhhp.

I took a break today and took Aiden to the park. It is hotter than the dickens these past several days. He layed down for a nap so I did a test patch on the wall to see if they finally got the color to match. So far it looks like we might have it. We will be done when I get all the Walls touched up. I am anxious to get this appraisal and to see what this mortgage guy can do for us. Some special program is going on for people who are upside down in their mortgage. I hope we qualify.

Just got a call back from Peter. He said his son just now got home from his cousins. So Peter said forget it about him coming up to do chores and earn money. He said it as if he was mad at me. I can't help it if I have been sick and it is not my problem that his son wasn't home earlier so that his mom could meet me half way. She has to take Andrew to counseling or something at 11.
I feel like telling him off but I won't.

pissy mood

Maria was at our house until Sunday. We got a lot accomplished but I still have some touch up painting to do. I ended up having to watch Seiji on Monday and I had the flu also. The kind where you have diarrhea and vomiting. I was vomiting until 10 that night. My dad came and helped yesterday and all i could think about was that we were going to 6 flags on Thursday which only leaves me Fri to clean house, paint, shop and cook for Peter's birthday party on Sat. Then Peter says that Jared needs to be picked up today because he is broke and wants to work around our house.

It is now 10:13 and I do not know what is going on. Peter tried calling him and he hasn't returned his dad's calls. I called and his phone is forwarded to voice mail. This kids inability to manage his money is not my f'in problem. I still don't have much energy and wanted to just take it easy since tomorrow is a huge day of walking. To top it off uncle Solar and Seiji are coming tomorrow as well.

Man I am in a pissy mood. I don't want any one to expect anything of me today.

Before

after

After

murder - suicide yes Peter I have a foul mouth. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Are the times so much worse now, or is it that so much more gets reported in the news? I am sick and tired of these parents who get all depressed, kill their children and then kill themselves. What the fuck is wrong with you idiots? If your life is so blasted miserable that you want to off yourselves, what makes you think that your children would be better off dead too? No! I am sorry they would be better off alive, living with a family member, being adopted out or in foster care than murdered, you miserable fucks. I am just appalled and disgusted. I too have been so depressed that I wanted to commit suicide. In fact, if you printed out all the hopital records in my name, the summary on several would say suicidal. I tell you what though, I would never, ever in a million years subject my child to my own misery and take his life. Your children would be much better off with out your sorry ass and living with some one else. These innocent children are the children of God and how dare you make the decision that their lives are not worth living!!!

grades

Reading - A
PreAlgebra - B
Not too bad. I wanted that A in math, but I knew I wouldn't, because that test was a bitch for me. My friend Janelle got an A, but she has had that math before in a different state. YCC told her that her credits didn't transfer initially, so she had to take the class. More than half way thru, they said oops it did transfer. I had help from her during the semester.

Busy bees

In preparation for an appraisal, we worked around the house all weekend and also did some normal weekly chores as well. Peter's eldest son was supposed to come up and help but told his dad he had wanted to hang out with his friends. He asked Andrew and he declined as well. So Peter was pretty upset over that. I cleaned house and went grocery shopping on Sat. as I had no time last week. Peter mowed and edged the lawns. We both pulled out weeds (clover) from the entire front yard. We bought over 30 plants, pulled out atleast 10 and then replanted most of the entire front landscape. We also bought 4 1/2 yards of fresh bark and split some of it with our neighbors. All but 1 1/2 yards has been spread into the planters. Ofcourse we left tons of plants but replaced everything that was either not thriving or had been damage by the freeze over the winter. I will have, before and after pics if I can get them loaded. I have a really hard time now with the new photo software on my computer.

To top all that off, Aiden cought the flu and Thursday night woke up throwing up. He was over the worst of it by Sat. and thta is how we were able to get so much work done. Aiden still didn't feel so hot over the weekend and you could tell by his misbehaving in the afternoons. He finally got well enough to play with the neighbor kids on Sunday eve in their baby pool and Monday all day.

I have a few more plants to plant today, then after the bark is done we will tackle the area in our backyard which was supposed to have been a raised vegetable garden for me. Peter never built me a raised bed and nothing grows in the original soil because there is so much clay. So instead, we are going to build it up a little and make a gigantic sand box for Aiden and I will also put his water play table and a storage bench for his outside toys right in the box. That area sits on the East side of the house so it gets shade during the 5 pm heat. We will also put a swing set back there eventually. I want a pool something fierce but no can do now.

Tomorrow I go get auntie Maria and we will start tackling the inside list of chores. I am already so dang tired that by the weeks end I think I will be exhausted. I also need to throw a birthday party for Jared and Peter the 9th of June. We will be going to Six Flags on the 7th to celebrate like we did last year too. It is going to be a busy summer I an tell.

tad freaked out Finances

I am 40 and Peter will be 48 in June. Both of us in our addictions, squandered any and all moneys saved for retirement. Peter would have been a millionaire easily. Would have been!! I had money in stocks, a retirement account and money from the sale of my house that I blew through in one bad year. Now we are like the grasshopper in that story about a grasshopper and I think an ant. Where the ant stored up food for the winter but the grasshopper didn't. Something like that, but you get the picture. We or I have been intending to start something up for us, but as I was taking a walk yesterday I noticed that the house next to our realtors, which is the same model as ours, has a sale pending sign on it. I looked at the flyer and it was selling for $399,000. We originally bought our house for upwards of $435,000 then we put upgrades in and have that damned equity loan, so now we owe about $450,000. We are fucked royally. I talked to my dad yesterday about it briefly, but that was before I saw the sale pending sign. I had told my dad that yes we would need his help, which my dad offered to us several weeks ago, and that we are most likely selling my fully paid for Expedition and the Dodge Ram. The dodge we are trading in for a more family vehicle with beter gas mileage and the money from my Ford will go toward a refinance loan together with the help from my father. But now I am afraid all of that isn't going to be enough. My dad has a great retirement. He gets checks every month and he has his savings from the sale of his house both in a savings account and in CD's, stocks and other interest accounts. I do not want to plow through what would have been my inheritance but, I also do not want to lose this house by short sale or by foreclosure. I had plans for my inheritance money going into retirement and money for my son for college and stuff like that. Shit what should we do. My dad I know is helping, because he knows how hard we worked to get this house and he wants a home for us, he adores Peter and Aiden, but he is also helping, because he wants me to finish college. Him and Monti are so proud of me they could pop!! I have come such a friggin long way and all this crap f's up our plans big time. We made a mistake a big one. I say we, because I should have been clean and sober, then Peter would have listened to my opinion about not getting the equity loan and I should have been clean and sober and more involved in the original loan process as I could have warned him about the potential of exactly what is happening to us. latly I have been telling him I want to be more involved in our finances. He is a control freak and up until know didn't want me to have access to anything because he didn't trust me. I have finally ganed his trust and I want to make sure I agree with what he does. We have a shit load of credit cards and all I know is that he has been paying hundreds of dollars more each month to get them down to a zero balance. Again my fault also. I went crazy wild spending that first year and a bit crazy wild spending the second year. He just went crazy wild spending above and beyond what I did, so together we created a shit load of debt. Fine that is being dealt with but he has most of them paid online and I have no password so that is going to be changing and he is okay with that but did throw in I think I have done a good job with our finances. I didn't want him to get mad so I said, me wanting to be involved isn't like saying I don't think he did a good job. I said I want to know what we owe and what he pays and how much debt we have vs wha money we have in the bank and I have a right to know especially as your wife. So that was the end of that conversatioon, I had im on that one. Now how do I actually get involved? I guess I will have to sit down with him at the couch with the laptop and go through each acct. with pen and paper. I want to get one of tose money programs too so he can see with graphs and charts just how ugly our situation is. I think it make s a huge difference when you can see it in a pie chart. Any ways enough venting about our financial crap from me. Any advise appreciated.

winch, wench however you spell it

Did I mention that Jared's car got stollen a few weeks ago and that it din't get hot wired so who ever did i has a key. I also found out the same weekend that Jared's wench ex girlfriend is now dating/fucking the room mate of the neighbor she had cheated on Jared with, on Halloween. Those guys had moved but now this new guy is always at her house. Get this Jared and this guy bubs used to be great friends but he is the dude that was trying to screw Jared over at their job at the cell phone store. Jared had stood up for himself and told the boss that bubs was leaving before his shift was over leaving Jared to do all the work. Bubs was getting fired and got made at Jared for telling on him. So they haven't been friends in a long time and now he is doing Jared's ex girlfriend. That is how lowly that little girl bitch is. I tried telling Peter so many times ad now finally he believes me and agrees she is a little filthy bitch.

Not sure how I did

That damn final was freaking hard. I know for a fact that I missed atleast 7 points on my test. I hate not knowing. It is driving me nuts. I am sure I have a few 1/2 points missed here and there but truly I think I got a b or a c which is good, it's passing. I am just an anal retentive, obsessive-compulsive perfectionist when it comes to stuff like that. Damnit I want an A. I worked friggin hard. I should not have gone to the movies on Sat before the final. Actually I hadn't planned on it and I kicked Peter and the kid out of the house to go see a movie so I could have study time. What happened though is they were all sold out so he bought tickets for all three of us a few hours later. I still needed that time to study math because all my time was spent on my reading. So on Sat I missed studying for math. That is a lesson learned.

Now I am going to be kicking it in hi gear to ge the house ready for an appraisal. I think Peter's sister will come on Tuesday now to help me out. We have a lot of work to do and Aiden is officially out of school. There is no way I could do all this on my own and have to watch Aiden too.

Here is a copy of my to do list.
TO DO LIST

1. Inventory touch up paint and order with wet sample from Sherwin
Williams, if low.
2. Clean and paint baseboards. Clean and touch up doors.
3. Touch up walls, take down photos, art work, and wall hangings and
touch up behind and around.
4. Wash windows, window sills and dust all blinds. Touch up paint -
window sills
5. Clean/polish the fronts of all cupboards and cupboard doors.
6. Dust entire china cabinet and clean all glass doors and shelves, both
inside and out.
7. Pull up daisy like, purple flowers in front yard. Purchase new plants (Peter plants them)
8. Hang black and white photos (master bedroom) and shelves (Aiden’s
room).
9. Clean out fireplace and clean glass doors.
10. Weed and level out dirt patch in garden and fill with bark. Move
Aiden’s outdoor toys to bark area, purchase storage bench for large .
items and a sand box. Examples: dump trucks, shovel, rake, hoe, balls,
bats, etc.

I am not even all that excited to be out of school. I would rather push on through and get it done, but the next classes are way too hard to take during the summer. Poop.

school, whales

My math final is today and I am shooting for an A. I keep telling myself I will get and A and I will remember all the theories and formulas. Why the hell not, I have gotten A's on everything before.

I forgot to mention that Peter's office is in West Sac. and when the mamma whale and her baby were in the port of West Sac. he went to go see them last week. He got a bird's eye view before the crowds showed up. I do hope they make it back home and survive the injuries sustained from a boat propeller.

IT is 9:3o am and I have to take my test at 2:30 today so off I go to study some more.

Church and potty training

Aiden has consistently used the potty for a week now. No more pull ups and only night time diapers now. Hurray he is finally potty trained.

He loves church so we keep going. One of these Wednesdays we are going to the church's version of a recovery support group. Peter is really interested in that one. We both cry at church. He finally copped to it yesterday and brought it up on his own even. Our reasons for getting teary eyed are different though. I cry because of happiness and a connection I feel to God, my family and the community. His is personal and the mere fact that he shared it with me, leads me to keep it private. He is such a good man and I love him dearly. He payed for a woman's meal yesterday as we were paying our bill this woman walked in to be seated. She told us that our son was adorable. Apparently while I was in te restroom he saw the woman arrive in a taxi. He decided to do a raok. He has been doing that a lot lately, giving his own shirt to a homeless man with none, buying coffee, food and gas for people less fortunate or elderly. Isn't that just so sweet, well I think so. It inspires me to do raok too. After finals ofcourse.

One final down, one to go

I think I probably got an A or B on the three part Reading final. If by chance I get a C I will most likely get a B in the class. It took 2 1/2 hours and the essay question was on the section I studied and remembered most.

Time for a nap before I resume study for math. Elementary Algebra here I come (next semester).

Forgot to mention Mother's Day

Hope all the mom's out there in Internet land had a wonderful Mother's day. We spent it at my dad's and then at Peter's dad's. Uncle Solar was there with Seiji. Carol had made a huge deal out of how he had better have Seiji ready to be picked up so she could spend Mother's day with him. Well she never called, so he brought Seji over to dad's house and the kids played together until we left at 6:30 PM. Yes PM. I asked Jeff later that night via e-mail, what time she finally came and got him, and at around 7:30 she came and got him. Is that unfreaking believable. The whole family was buzzing about what an aweful mother she is and has been from the very start. The ex wife of Baba's son made mention that Carol had left the Christams gathering on Seiji's very first Christmas. I didn't remember that and i suppose it was around when she was really depresed and they were fighting but she had a good point. Wouldn't you want to be there for your son's first Christmas and to take pictures, etc. I have always been there and I am sure most mother's would be too. She is one strange cookie and I see her crumbling entirely to pieces one of these days. I wouln't be surprised if she got locked up in a nut ward. Ofcourse she will hold on for dear life until then trying to prove that she is functional and a good mother and that somehow Uncle Solar is the bad parent. Go figure?

finals and the trials of potty training and church.

Still studying for finals. Or hardly studying I should say. I started yesterday. I brought my outline, that technically I finished today, to the nail salon and read it while I had a pedicure and had my nails done. I have been getting my nails done for quite some time. A reward I have treated myself to for 1quitting the nicotine gum. By far it is still less expensive to get my nails done. Peter can't say a word because he always used to say I would rather you spent the money on clothes or things for yourself, instead of the gum or on smoking.

Any ways, Aiden is finally almost potty trained. It has been a battle to say the least but he is finally coming around. He most recently purchased trains with his own money, that he earned doing various small chores and for also going pee or poo on the potty. Now that he has done this, he is even more eager to earn and save his quarters. I give him one quarter for a pee in the potty and two for a pooh. The two may seem generous and it is because he has always refused until recently to go in the potty. He always wanted to hide somewhere on the floor and pooh in his pull ups. That is until I showed him how much money he could earn, how much praise he would get and now clean it is to go in the potty instead of his pants. I feel that I have done a good job finally combining the two lessons of potty training and learning to earn, save and some what of the value of spending you r own money. He has this Thomas catalog that he keeps open and every day, several times a day, tells us exactly what he wants to buy, to add to his collection of Thomas the train sets. He has loads of actual trains. two fairly large sets of tracks and only a few buildings. His focus now is more on things like the cranes, factories, etc to make the town of Sodor. Go figure.

Yes I am avoiding studying at the moment. Truthfully, I should have sent Aiden to school today. I thought that is what I was going to do ,but instead, have just let him play around the house. He is perfectly content at the moment just playing by himself. I have only needed to feed him and make sure he goes potty. So far so good. It isn't always like that. A typical day usually consists of several requests for me to play with him or to go to the park, ride bikes or ride his tractor. I almost always do what he wishes, unless I have to get something done in which case I will still try to squeeze it in. I can sit out front and study while he rides his bike, but on most occassions I join him because it is more fun than doing home work. I am still getting A's but the final grade will determine if I just pass each class or if I get an A. I could get a D on the final in reading and still pass. I can get a C on my math final and still get a C in the class, as I sit at a C right now after missing one whole test worth 100 points. It is only because I have gottne A's on every test and homework assignment. I love math and I am shocked.

Oh and I have been a praying fool and we really have gone back to church. It ha been over 30 some years for Peter and about 7 years for me. We have decided on the Church of the Nazarine and we can either drive to the large one up the street or walk across the srteet to the elementary school where they hold church in the multipurpose room. We like the big church much better. On mothers day, Aiden got to sing with a bunch of children his own age in front of the church. It was adorable. We had missed a few days here and there so he never got a chance to learn the words, but boy he sure tried hard to sing and do all of the little moves. Peter was nearly in tears. Then last night we were saying grace at the dinner table and Aiden chimed in with his gratitude list. He thanked the Lord for church last night and if that isn't enough to make us keep going I don't know what is. Peter said he is motivated to go because Aiden enjoys it so much and so what ever it takes I am just grateful my family wans to go. I was raised in a non religious family. We didn't talk about God and I never learned to pray or rely on a power greater than myself. My parents felt they were doing me a favor by letting me choose as an adult what religion, if any to partake in. I know they did that because they thought it best, but I don't want that for my son. I felt lost growing up and I don't want my son to feel the same way. I want him to have faith, a source of comfort (besides his family), knowledge, peace, joy, love and wisdom, just to name a few. I knew nothing and had no example.

Well enough blabbing about me and my family. I better go study before the whole day is wasted.

update - brief

I am still getting prepared for finals. I decided to give myself a few extra days of study and will take the Reading final on Mon. of the following week instead of this coming Friday. I haven't even finished the outline but am close. By the time I get done, typed it will still be over 20 pages. Hear that 20 pages to memorize. Crap. So not next week but the following I will have a reading final on Mon. and my pre algebra on Wednesday. I am more optimistic about my math. I have gotten an A on every test so far.

On Wednesday I took Aiden to the park as promised. Uncle Solar drove up to get a check we wrote to him as a loan of $200. He had to pay some $600 for Seiji's health care because Carol, the $@$##$%$!, wouldn't give him the info off her old insurance which made him pay retroactively for Seiji. That woman, I am telling you is evil. Uncle solar has kept most of the voice mail messages she has left for him, to eventually use against her in a court of law. Totally admissable, because after all she was the one leaving the messages. Any way, I listened to about three or four and trust me, the woman is completely insane. Saying things like take Seiji to the dr, he is sick, when I am sitting thre looking at him and he isn't sick at all, but in the same voice mail demands that Seiji be dropped on at Daycare to spend the day with his peers? Well let me see, if she is under the impression that her kid is sick enough to go to the dr, then why in the hell would she want him going to day care. I know from when I talked to her before she is under the impression that when unclse Solar has Seiji, he shoves Seiji in a room all day by himself while he works. Not the case. On the days he doesn't have Seiji he works 12 and 14 hours s that on the days he does have him, he can take him to the park, or any whre else kids find amusing. I feel so much like letting her know that and to tell her there isn't a judge in the world that would demand that the boy spend time in daycare, instead of his own father. But it isn't my place, or is it? After all, wouldn't it ease her mind to know that her son is being well taken care of and not just abandoned in the home to fend for himself all day? Maybe I am trying to justify little jabs? But she deserves it I swear, to come over my house, try to pump me for information and give me the old sob story of I missed you, he alienated me from the family, can I call you soemtime- to me and I havne't even heard from her since. I wrote a brief email recently asking if she really intended on taking Seiji and moving to Oregon, while uncle Solaris in Austria or is she just trying to get under his skin. As expected she didn't reply, but trust me I know she read it and ten seathed after word. You know we could have stayedfriends but she made it a picking sides thing and was so afraid that i was going to offer infor about her to uncle Solar that she cut all contact and then just expected me to pick up right after where she had left off. Hell no, I felt betrayed and hurt. So I ended the friendship. I am worth more than that crap and too bad she didn't see it that way. Now her only friend is a psycho woman that over medicates on her morpphine patch, vicodine and xanax. She is near death and in the hospital all the time. They both got fired from SMUD, I believe. Which everyone says is a hard thing to do, it's like the State, they can never get rid of poor employee's.

Ok enough mumbo jumbo, I have to drop off a card and candy at Aiden's school for child care provider/ teacher appreciation week and then come home to do homework, while Aiden plays in his pool. I think I will take the laptop outside on the patio so I can work and keep an eyeball on Aiden.

All is good. Hope you all have a great weekend. Caligirl, be brave.....go to the dentist. Ha, easy for me to say, when I actually had ins. I chickened out now I have no insurance and well can't go. May the force be with you.

mortgage woes

The goal is for me to cont. with school. We are getting an appraisal to see where we stand and will sell the expedition if necessary to come up with a down to refinance. We have enough money on a tight budget to cover the increased payment for the first 6 months, but when it goes up again in the next six months we won't. I need to get the house in chape for when the appaiser comes and am dreading that back breaking chore.

sick

I have been sick for over a week now. On or around Thursday last week it turned into a sinus infection. I had amoxicillin at home that dad got from Mexico but it really wasn't working, so I went to urgent care yesterday and got a stronger antibiotic. I still am having a hard time sleeping because of the congestion but energy wise I am feeling a bit better now. Last week at school was the pits. All I wanted to do was come home and go to bed.

Sat we went and spent the day and evening at Ojiichan and Baba's house. I ended up doing tons of math homework there. It was a nice visit and we had some awesome meals. I swear no one can cook like Harumi. Uncle solar was there too with Quin.

He said that auntie Prozac, Carol, is off the hook. She had a police escort on one of the days she was picking up Seiji. She is still threating to take Seiji and move to Oregon while uncle Solar is in Austria for three weeks. I can't figure out why te hell she would want to do that. There are many many days where it is her turn to have Seiji and she will leave him with his dad saying she can't get him because she is too sick or her car won't start or any number of lame excuses. She isn't going to have that luxury in Oergon. I can't picture her mother or father taking up the slack. I sent an email to her asking if she really was leaving or if she was just trying to fuck with Uncle Solar's head. She didn't respond as I guessed she wouldn't. I am almost certain the whole reason she was all nicey nice the day she came to our house to pick up Seiji was to pump me for info about uncle Solar. I am glad I didn't buy into it. I pretty much just listened to her bitch. Oh can I call she says, crying , "I missed you." Yeah right bitch. Poor uncle Solar is really worried that she will do it. I guess even though it is illegal for her to do so, it is really hard to get the kid back. You have to jump through the court system hoops in order to do so. That is exactly what she wants. She wants the legal fee's etc to suck him dry. He also told me the reason he chickened out on that gal rom overseas was because he actually knew more about Carol when they got together and looked what happened. He really didn't know much about this asian gal and didn't want to make the same mistake. Whew, maybe all my questions about her sunk in. That was close.

mortgage.

I don't feel like going into detail but suffice it to say, our mortgage is going up by over $700 a month, because of the adjustable mortgage rate type loan and will be increased again in 6 months if we don't refinance. We owe more than it is worth between the original loan and that stupid equity loan he took out. My dad had offered to help out, but a down payment would be more than what he offered to help with. So, unless the market improves we are up the creek. I discussed getting rid of that Dodge again last night and although he really does not want to, he will sell it so that I can cont. going to school. It just makes more sense that I cont. with school than to go back to work in Sac.

email sent to a friend giving update

Oh gosh I caught a bad cold and forgot all about updating you. I am sorry. He is much better and the swelling has gone down significantly. I just hope he doesn't end up with scars now. It really looked worse initially than what it actually was because of the bleeding and swelling.

On Monday I didn't have Buzz and Aiden together too much. When I did eventually let Buzz in, Aiden stayed pretty far away on his own accord. He didn't run from Buzz, but he didn't run up and give him love like he usually does. It has been that way since. I think my son learned a huge lesson of respect for the dog. He did rough house once with Buzz and I reminded him that he can't kick the dog or pull the dogs leg just because he is mad at him or Buzzie will bite him. I think we are going to keep Buzz and once our mortgage crap is all sorted out, I am thinking about dog training. We need to nip the food aggression in the bud. I have been a lot harder with Aiden and how he interacts with the dog since. I realize I can't blame the dog for doing what dogs do in their packs. So I am almost better off training Aiden about safety and dogs. We have told him over and over not to hit the dog and not to touch or go ne ar Buzzie while he is eating. For the most part Aiden won't but since Buzzie was eating his food, I think it was natural instinct for Aiden to want to stop him. So we have spent the last couple of days going over the do's and don'ts. Any time food or snacks are out now, the dog goes outside too. I am not risking it any more. You probably think I am nuts to keep the dog and maybe I am, but I wouldn't feel good if I didn't give him one more chance. Buzz has a new found respect for Peter now, since Peter beat the crap out of the dog right after it happened. Before then, Buzzie never listened to Peter, but he sure as heck does now. I myself am torn between training by positive reinforcement and negative consequences. Even when we were house training him, I couldn't just let his peeing on the floor go with out a scolding and a swat, but ofcourse I gave lots of praise when he did go outside. I tried initially to house break with only positive reinforcement and it wasn't working. As soon as I started swatting him and holding him by the scruff of his neck while telling him NO POTTY he stopped peeing and pooping on the floor. He is a very strong willed, stubborn dog. Any ways enough rambling. No worries aobut Aiden he is fine.

naked snuggling

Aiden got bit by our dog. documented here. He is doing much better today and has had minimal contact with our dog. Our dog has been really timid since the incident yesterday. I think Peter hitting him real good made an impact. Peter has never reprimanded our dog, ever, until yesterday. I am not certain if I believe soley on positive reinforcement training or a little of both. Either way if we keep the dog, we most likely need to consult a trainer.

It turned out to be a quiet weekend. Dad and Monti came over our house after the game and stayed a while. Uncle Solar never came up because he didn't want to sit around the house. Peter suggested all of us going to a movie but I guess he wasn't interested. It was just us on Sunday. Since Aiden went to bed early and slept the whole night thru I took the opportunity to put on a teddy and initiate play time. We "played" and it was nice. Not earth shattering, but nice. Lots of naked snuggling in candle light and I suppose that is what our relationship lacked most was the non-sexual physical intimacy. He called me and thanked me today which was nice. See he is making an effort and I certainly appreciate it because I have been making a huge effort to make him happy too.

I think I will call her Auntie Xanax now

Uncle Solar is probably bringing Seiji up tomorrow. Peter called and asked him if he could make it up Sat and not Sunday. Auntie prozac is being a witch again. Uncle Solar has to go to Austria for three weeks for work. Miss anxiety med addict is threating to take Seiji out of state for good, so he is all freaked out. When she had mentioned to me in our kitchen, that there is nothing for her now in Sacto., and that she felt like moving, I reminded her that she shares custody and how sad it would be for Seiji to be away from his father and family. She said oh yeah it would be sad but I know damn well she doesn't give a shit and some how thinks that having full custody of Seiji would be better for him. This is coming from a woman who got fired from her work because she always called in sick from her depression. This is a woman who admitted to me just weeks ago that on weekends she does not have Seiji she sleeps the entire weekend. This is a woman who is on disability, yet clams she is the sole provider for him. This is a woman who takes her son to full time daycare 5 days a week, even though she is at home all day now. This is a woman who I have witnessed not being able to get out of bed and making it so uncle Solar has to take care of their son all by himself on weekends. Ohh that woman makes us all so mad. I think she purposely does stuff just to piss uncle Solar off because she has no life.

Insurance scam

I did a insurance quote thing online the other day. Before I even finished, an insurance agent called and we scheduled an appt. I got tired of waiting for our broker to do his job. She was with Mega health and life and the NASE, National Assoc for the self-employed. We thought it was a good deal. She wrote all the stuff out on paper instead of going over the actual policy. Clue number one, I failed to head. It appeared, based on her discription, to be a good plan for all of us. We could tailor it to fit our needs. After she left , I looked at the actual policy and for every service it says things like, will pay 70% up to and then they put a tiny cap on it. For example, they will pay for an ambulance 70% up to $250. Well Peter and I know damn well that a short stint to the hospital is over a thousand dollars. So, long story short, I am having Peter do a stop pay on the checks and I called her this am and told her to withdraw our application and mail the checks back. Okay I know what you are thinking and yes I learned my lesson.

I have a shit load of homework and I don't feel like doing it today. We bought Aiden a new blow up pool with a slide for this summer's hot weathe and he is dying to try it out. It probably will get warm enough today. I should have had that lady last niht blow it up. Her hot air would have had it up in no time.

School, insurance and work ramblings

Since my reading teacher takes the higher two of the three finals, she knocked off my 1st mock final grade when filling out grade sheets. I am getting 98% in the class. Here is hoping I do much better on the next 2 finals. One of which is on Thursday but we can reference the reading material and it is not an essay. We are only required to write a thesis statement and a summary of the major details. It sounds a lot easier than it is, but I did well on the last assign., so I am hopeful.

I filled out one of those online insurance quotes and received a call from an insurance agent, before I was even done looking. She is going to come out tomorrow. I want to find out what can be done for us directly with an insurance co., as opposed to dealing with our broker. Our broker is nice and all but I believe he is too busy to be of the best service to us. She will come tomorrow after Peter gets home from work.

Peter and Aiden's insurance didn't get cancelled by the way. Our checks are in the mail, no really, the are.

Still not certain if I need to go back to work. I need to determine exactly how much our mortgage payment is going up per mo. and whether or not we can afford it on Peter's salary alone. If not, then I had better start looking now. And that makes me sad. I want to finish college. It seems like I always start something and then never finish it. Peter was relying on being able to afford it, after his boss comes through and gives him a pay increase. We all know that he can not rely on his boss. Even if his boss said, Peter you are getting a raise and it will be on the next check, that in all reality he wouldn't see it on his check until 6 months later. His ass-hole boss is that way. He is in Bali or the next three weeks anyway. Must be nice.

Oh and I forgot to mention I got a $500 check for financial aid which will go toward this months insurance payment for Peter and Aiden. That is if Nationwide reinstates.

Going back to work.

I haven't held a full time permanent job since 2001/2002 or so. I have made attempts here and there in 2002 or 2003 to temp. as an examier but nothing for more than a few months at a time. When I got pregnant then I just gave up working entirely. The goal was to raise our son at home.

Now with the possibility of not obtaining health insurance for myself, I may have to go back to work for the benefits. Peter and Aiden had/have health ins. through Nationwide. Since he hadn't heard from Blue Sheild and they had a deposit check, he went ahead and stopped th automatic deduction for our acct for Nationwide. That was last weekend. Now this weekend he got a mile long denial list from Blue Sheild. Needless to say we freaked. I contacted our broker office ver the weekend and today, so she is going to see if we can get it reinstated with out having to go through the application process. A lot has transpired with Peter's health since he applied with them and based on his current need for blood pressure meds, they would most likely deny him too. If that be the case I will definately have to go back to work. Peter's boss will not provide health insurance.

I know it wouldn't be entirely impossible to hold a job, have a family and go to school but I did not want so much on my plate. I would never see Aiden and I wouldn't do that. So I have been praying. I don't know if I should just buckle up and work to relieve some of Peter's stress and to get bene's for all of us or if I should try to perservere through school. They do have an ROP program in town. You have to go through their CNA prerequ. courses, medical terminology and physiology and anatomy,before you can take the LVN class. They have a few other prereques. as well but the schooling s mostly at night. I know that I can't hold a full time job and do that and take care of my family. It is too much.

Neither Peter nor myself want for me to have to drive to Sac.for work, so at best I imagine I could get a $10 hr receptionist job, in fact there was one listed on the net yesterday where Peter and Aiden go to their dr.'s. It was an 8-5pm job m-f and included bene's. It is just the registration and co-payment office where you sign in before going to your dr. The trouble is that I need Peter to get out some of my old paper work so I can see where I used to work and when. I worked at so many different insurance companies that I can't remember who I worked for and when. Either way I am not available to work until after my last final May 23, 2007. God please help me I don't know what to do?

He turned himself in last night.

So we are going to the park today. Yippie. Oh and Aiden's first game is this weekend, not last weekend, like I thought. I will be surprised if he pays attention the whole time. He has no interest in practicing ball at home. Except for leaving his glove off and sitting on the ground to throw the ball back and forth. It is hard because I can't make him leave his glove on or stand up. Gah!

Here is the real story on the suspect.

http://www.kcra.com/news/12498657/detail.html

There were two helicopters flying over the elementary school and vicinity right by our house, all afternoon.

I have not heard word if they caught the bastard.

Finally he returned the call.

Guess I forgot to post that Uncle Solar got cold feet, so the girl never came. Still a call would have been nice. Peter said Uncle Solar was on the pitty pot, so he told him that he had better be grateful for what he has.

Virginia-Tech copy cat threat

Yeah we had a copy cat threat this am at Yuba College. It was not voted by Yuba College to have a campus wide evacuation, but when our math teacher got word that the alleged threat was to happen at our college, he said we could go. There were also concerns that he could go into any of the schools or daycares, so as I was picking Aiden up, so were many other parents. By the time I got to my son's school, the staff had already heard about the threat, but were not able to get a hold of local authorities to see what they should do. Aiden did tell me that the teachers told the children not to go outside. I was going to drive home my usual route but the sherrif's dept had the road blocked with the their cars. So I hurried on home in the other direction. I overheard one parent telling the preschool director that the crazy man lived on our side of town (Yuba city). The notice from the Sherriff dept. that was posted all over campus included the picture of the man and it said that this guy is armed, dangerous, wants to die by cop suicide and that he planned to do this at Yuba College,that he would put the Virginia Tech massacre to shame. He has supposedly been on drugs for several days. I also over heard that he is homeless which is making it difficult for the Sherrif dept to locate him. The source of that info was from the wife of a man who works for the fire dept. So we are at home eating lunch and will take an early nap.

Sometimes our world bites green donkey dongs.

I hear hellicopters from a distance.

wind

It is so windy today I think the house is going to blow down.

WTF?

Just as I expected, I got an F on my mock final and an A on my math test. I am not certain if it was at all a learning experience or if it is a set up for future fuck ups. Either way I expected it and am not happy with it. I will try harder next time. Although I have another writing assignment due on Th and I don't even want to start and tomorrow I move Auntie Marie's stuff out of storage and that will take all day. I have a get one free late assignment in my class so I may use it this time around.

No word yet from uncle solar either. It says his work cell number was disconnected and he is not answering his home phone. There is no recorder for his cell phone. Peter has tried calling for the 4th day. I have sent an email and he has not responded either. Now we are worried. I told him to call his folks to see if he gave them a new work number. It is pretty odd for him to not return a call after this long.

Oh and we didn't hear squat for Uncle Solar this weekend. He said he would probably come up, but I thought Maria was coming so he probably changed his mind. Peter called him on Sat and left a message but he never called back. RUDE. And he complains about auntie prozac doing that to him.

winch, financial shit

They were together exactly one month and she broke up with Jared again. Poor kid. I knew it was going to happen. So now he is all down in the dumps again. Man he just needs to get over her. I am sure that is what people thought about me and my ex. Damn.

Ah and yesterday Peter says to me what do you think about getting married. I said great except that I would lose my tuition assist.

The shit it hitting the fan about our finances too. I told Peter a long time ago not to get an equity loan right after he got the house but he did it any way and bought that expedition. So now we have a huge loan to pay off and the mortgage rate on our loan is going up if we don't refinance. Well the market dropped and the house values went down. Now you guessed it. We owe more than it is worth so no one can help us refinance. We can put some money down to get a little bit better loan but have squat in savings because of those friggin credit cards. So I said sell the expedition and we will have money for the down on a new loan. He won't do it. His idea is that if something should ever happen to him, I will atleast have a new car to drive. I said get rid of the new dodge then. The car payment and insurance payment would cover the extra interest. He just keeps telling me he will work it out but doesn't come up with any new ideas. he keeps calling his mortgage broker guy who says over and over that he can't help. WTF? I told him I didn't want to wait til the last minute. hell I would go back to work to save the house. He won't have me driving to Sac. for a job though and that is where all the workers comp. jobs are. So needless to say I am stressed out.

To top it all off he cancelled his insurance payment for him and Aiden's health ins because the new co still has our deposit ($500.00). He put a stop on the automatic withdrawal that was supposed to come out yesterday. Blue Sheild never gave an acceptance or a denial for Peter and Aiden so he may not have insurance effective today for all I know. Not having medical insurance freaks me out. I have been with out now for what, 4 months? I need to get a mammogram done. Grrr.

This is the closest I can get to Yuba City

http://www.anythingweather.com/current.aspx?id=12429

It may rain Aiden's ball game out tomorrow.

Sacto webcam

Caligirl, does this make you want to come home? or atleast visit?
http://www.kcra.com/wxcam/1471817/detail.html

tests, Forgiveness

I am pretty certain I got a D or an F on my Mock final and an A on my math test. I used to suck at math. It isn't that I am not good a reading, I am bad at retention. I studied for the mock final. I focused on the big picture instead of the details with in each of the groups. Ofcourse, the assignment was to write about the details on one group and it was a group that I did not remember. We were to come up with 3 to 5 examples. I thought I cam up with 3 but after I left and looked at the book two ideas I discussed were part of the same example. So I only came up with 2 and that is either a d or an f by itself, not to mention how horribly written it was. I was at a loss for words really. The topic was boring anyway, The problems and cultural differences in dealing with international business. We were to write about the importance of work and 3 to 5 examples of the differences. After I looked I felt really stupid for not remembering. I was the first one to get up and leave. I didn't want to sit there anymore staring at my paper or the wall. It just wasn't doing any good.

On a different subject matter, I have been reading, "Get Out of That Pit", by Beth Moore, "Straight Talk about God's Deliverence" I have never been a spiritual or religious guru. I have been interested in becoming more spiritual, closer to God and to rely more on God (faith). One of the ways she explains for us to get out of the pit, is to forgive those who did us wrong. You all know my ex shit on me again and again. I have been carrying him around with me, where ever I go, because of this resentment and that is the last thing I want to do. "when I began to see my grudge against people who hurt me only strengthened the grip of my bondage to them."So I have not gotten out of the section yet that explains how to forgive. From what I gathered is that I have to be willing to forgive and God will do the rest. "Forgiveness is not about feeling. It's about willing." "In the power of Jesus, first you will it and soon you'll feel it." Well I listed in my head the wrongs he did and then asked God for willingness to forgive." Not an easy feat. Yesterday I thought about him and I didn't have that tinge of ander attached to it. That was a first. In fact I really didn't feel anything. Today on the other hand, I thought about how this drop dead gorgeous girl came to stay with us right after we married. his brotehr arranged for it because she was touring the world. Well he bent overbackwards to impress this girl. We went up to our time share in Tahoe and he paid for her room (shared with us and separated into two room), meals and show. I was not drinking, he knew I was an alcoholic but went off with that tramp, leaving me bymyself and had a drink with her because he didn't ant her to feel like she was drinking alone. What? What about not drinking with me in support of me? So after that thought I got all pissed off at him again. I have these thoughts weekly and I am so sick and tired of having him tied to me constantly. I want to be done with him for good. I know I am better off with out him and all I ever wanted was for him to acknowledge his wrong doings but he never would. He always insisted that he wasn't a liar and that he did nothing wrong. I confronted him about his behavior with that girl and told him I was jealous. He slammed me up against the wall and told me married couples don't get jealous that there was something wrong with me. I drove to my dads house that night pissed off and went there to drink. Many years later he told me she gave him head that night. I don't know if he said that to piss me off or if it was true. For years he claimed to have never cheated on me. Oh I pray to God for the willingness to forgive him. Forgivenss does not mean that what he did was right, it means that I am giving God the solitary right to vengeance. I also know from somewhere in the bible it says that in order to be forgiven we must forgive and I want forgiveness for my sins. I also want to forgive myself and that I think is the hardest thing to do of all.
Anyway, I love this book. I also want to get the Secret. I think that is what it's called. I do a little bit of what it talks about by seeing myself as a graduate, as a nurse, as a good mother, as clean and sober. as a good wife, etc.

Get this

Uncle Solar has been talking to me a lot lately. In fact, I was the first and I really think, the only one he told about the mail order bride. He said he would talk to Baba around Easter, but since his final verdict to either get married or pass her on by, is still up in the air, I don't think he did. her name is Jean by the way and I saw a picture. She really is pretty and appears to have hair all the way down to her butt.

Any ways, I never would have thought any one would admire me and Peter's relationship, but apparently Uncle Solar does. He said in an email that he respects and admires what Peter and I have. He wants the same sort of relationship, a stay at home mom/wife. He even knows about our probs with sex but admires the fact that we haven't given up on each other.

Uncle Solar asked me to spend time with Jean to get a second opinion about her. I guess this woman claims that she wants to be a SAHM to HIS children. He told her, he does not want any more kids due to his age and the financial cost of having another child. I am going to hit her hard with those questions. I will ask her if she really has contemplated not having any children of her own. She is only 27. I don't know if her being so desperate to get out of poverty is influencing this decision. Perhaps she can't have kids, I don't know. All I know is that she is a devout Catholic and devout Catholics don't use birth control. She told Uncle Solar that when she arrives in America the first thing she wanted to do is go to church to thank God. I thought that was sweet. Uncle Solar said he is not a big fan of organized religion, so I wonder if they will clash in that area. I know Uncle Solar is the type that if he wantssomething so badly he will over look issues that later will become a huge problem. He did that with Carol and now look what he has gotten himself into.

6 months clean and sober

I had 6 months on the 6th.

Whole latta news

Aiden started T-ball on Monday, we went to church on Easter at the Yuba City Church of the Nazarene, Aiden loved it, Uncle Solar is getting a mail order bride and she flew in from the Filippine's yesterday, I have a moch final and a math test tomorrow and I haven't studied yet. I think that sums it all up. Oh and I read in the paper yesterday that my ex aa sponser got a dui on Easter Sunday. I haven' talked to her yet. She hasn't logged into myspace since that day. I am hoping they already released her from Jail. Usually it is only an over night stay at the county jail, but who knows Yuba County may be different than Sac. Wow, my insurance finally went down after 7 years, because of an old dui. Oh shit and I got denied by blue shield for health insurance because of my arthritis. Fuckers.

vomitting, Auntie Prozac, reading

Lesson learned this Sunday: Always check on Thursday to see how much reading/homework I actually have to do before I decide to put it off. I started my reading late Sun. It is about a 20 to 30 page (large pages) article on the Cultural Environments Facing Business. I am to read it and outline it, then study it for the upcoming mock final. Shit I started late.

Aiden began projectile vomiting Sat early am. He did not stop until late that eve. We did atleast 5 loads of wash through out the day because he would sometimes not get to the bowl in time, and well, you know spray the blankets and pillows and clothing with splashes of the contents of his tummy. He would get so thirsty, ask to drink luiquids, inevitably drink too much an then vomit it all back up. Poor little guy. To top it off we get a call from Uncle Solar saying he can't get a hold of Carol, that he needed to bring Seiji up because he had a flight to catch Sunday am for his job. We told him Aiden was terribly sick but he had no other choice I guess. What ever. So finally they arrived after midnight. WTF? Peter had to wait up for them and I thought that was terribly inconsiderate. He had even brought Quin too but took him back to Sacto. evidently because he was gone when I woke up.

So, Carol finally called Peter back around 11 am. and said she would come pick Seiji up. She didn't show until 3:00 pm. She came in, took a tour, and chatted for a while. Nothing much has changed about her. Her conversation was mostly consumed with griping about Uncle Solar for this or that and the fact that she is suing her ex-employer for discrimination. She apparently has a genetic medical condition that affects her immune system. Having to do with components missing from her blood. She said something about receiving 70% of her salary for the rest of her life. Although I have no idea who is footing that bill. Once a month she goes to the Cancer Center to get the missing components of blood put into her system from donated blood because that is the only place that does it. Did that make sense? It takes 4 hours and cause fatigue and dizziness. She says this disorder is the reason she is so tired all the time and the reason she apparently takes so long to heal from bruises, injuries or surgeries. She expressed the desire to see each other again and to get together once in a while. I didn't say no, but when she left, I just felt like that is not going to be a good idea. I am going to have to put up major boundaries if Iwas to ever go there again. She asked if she could call me to which I had replied yes. Upon leaving she gave me a hug and said she missed me terribly and started crying. I have missed our friendship, but I have not missed the negativity, nor have I missed the...I am at a loss for words to describe this. Um, the lack of follow thru, the lack of showing up, the lack of returning phone calls. I haven't missed any of that. I was wore out before she even left at the amount of info and complaints she was willing to discuss about Seiji's father. Eh, hem, stuck in the middle again. Besides we were told by uncle Solar, that she told him, that she didn't want Seiji staying at a meth addict's and alcoholic's house. I am sure this was a pay back to a letter he wrote her about not wanting Seiji to be watched by her pill addicted friend/coworker. Still to say that and then come into our home and act like a victim? Nerve. Here is a woman who, in my eyes, does not wish to take responsibilty for her own circumstances and mental state. Sure she has depression. It is what she does to ensure she stays in that constant state, so she can continue playing the victim that gets my feathers ruffled. I know because I used to be the same way. Sometimes I teter back on that fence again but it isn't cnfortable there any more so I don't stay there for very long. Thank God.

Enough said.